hurt, destroyed, devastated, crushed

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
hurt, destroyed, devastated, crushed
7
Sun, 10-28-2007 - 10:26pm

My boyfriend and I have have been together for 3 years. Honestly we both met when we were married. Shame on us, I know. I left my marriage to be with him. He ummmm, to my surprise, never left. He was living a double life. he told me he left. We had wedding plans, I can swear he even showed me divorce papers. And then the wife called, oh he had a newborn baby with her (did i mention we were trying for a baby?), they bought a new house (should i mention we were looking for a new house to buy?). All this in 3 years. Now as much as common sense would tell anyone that this red flag doesnt get any bigger, Get the F**k out now. (this was a year ago), I stayed because he told me she blackmailed him etc. They have a lot of money and she wantd to take him for everything if he left her so he was only appeasing her so he lied to me so I wouldnt leave, but since she found out about me she was leaving him anyway. Yeah that never happened. We had a normal relationship. I am busy with two boys of my own, he lived with me (at least I thought he did) but he still found time for who I thought was his EXWIFE. After a physi cal altercation between the two of us in July 07, the ex (not so ex?) found a new string to pull, (alledgedly) threatening to call teh police and make up a story saying he hit her. Yes i am full aware i should have left him at the point he laid his hands on me, but I didnt. I was the stupid girl who's self esteem is so low that I said it will never happen again he didnt mean it. So i put up with this. The ex wife did move 1000 miles away from both of us. Still not sure if he is going back there. But now he faces jail time for the incident in July (about twenty days). And I am not sure what he is going to do. I think we broke up but we break up once a week and then he calls me and apoligises and my weak heart comes running back to him open arms full of forgiveness. Now he wont speak to me (assuming the wife is in town ) and I am completely devasated because i am having horrible traumatizing flashbacks of every lie he told me and i beleived. i can barely breathe, I probably belong on Xanax. and while I know leaving him will be something I feel great about five years or even five months from now, I want him back again.


Now while the best advice anyone can give is to tell me to leave and not worry there is no hope for this. I already know that. What I do not know is WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME that i would even endure thsi situation. He has money of his own, lots of it, but he has put me in such financial despair I am on the verge of losing everything. My kids suffer because there Mama is not a happy person. My personal relationships and work ahs suffered greatly because nothing gets my attentiona nd quiet frankly, I just do not feel like it. how and why did i let myself get into this? He was a knight in shining armor. My prince charming. He was so in controla nd I loved it. He was everytng I wanted in a man. He rescued me. How do i get over this. How do i recover? I have such distrust in my instincts and myself. I know i am attractive woman. I have amazing kids, I have an excellent job. How is my self esteem this low that I would convince myself that he is ok to keep doing this to me? And how do i raise my self esteem? How do i get there? How do i get to the point where I start suffering. If he was just honest with me a long time ago I would have walked away before we had any strings attached. It would have been a fling and I would have left it at that. Now I look back and see allt eh mistakes and i cant get over them :(( I cant get past them, I cant forgive myself for what I have done. I am scared no one wll ever love me. I feel embarressed and foolish and ashamed of myself. Someoen needs to help me because now i ccant even help myself :((

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 12:27am

Oh sweetheart. Sometimes you don't know how far you've fallen until you look up because it's been such a gradual process. Don't beat yourself up for what's already happened.

The thing that comes to mind is that perhaps a therapist would be in order? See if your workplace offers one (quite a number of them do). S/he'll help you build up your self esteem and get your emotional well-being back on it's feet.

And you know what? You can accomplish amazing things. Thing's you'd never dream you were possible of. Promise. When my ex left me, I honestly felt I wouldn't be able to go on with out him - but I did, and you will too.

All the best

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 4:04am

Lynnanne, you can get through this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 1:51pm

Welcome to the board lynnanne,


Nothing is wrong with you that a little counseling, a little insight and some good self-help books can't go a long way towards fixing.


Reading material to consider:


In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 2:06pm

Thank you so much for sharing your experince. I thought I was the only one who could be so blind. How did I not know about her pregnancy? how did I not know he bought another house with her? How did I not know he wasnt divorced. I mean he was living with me I thought!


I just dont know how my self esteem got this low to put up with someone who could do this to me. I am going to look into your book suggestion. Thanks!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 2:32pm

You are welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 4:25pm
that is just the thing. I don't even know how to trust myself now much less someone else. I feel completely desetroyed. For awhile now, I just have wanted to climb in my own world to die. It's not fair that my life feels and seems left in ruins and he gets to go on his merry way. Why cant he just be honest? What was wrong with just saying I choose not to leave my wife and be with you? Instead he drags this out and pulls me in everytime and makes me feel like I am in the wrong. If i just do that one thing, if i can reach the bar coincidentally set hight every day by him. I have given up everything. Why couldnt he just be honest with me? I would have called it quits admitted my mistake and gone on wth life. Instead I have been told all this is in the name of love and to be together we have to do this, this, and this. Nothing h as resembled a normal relationship in a year and I dont know how I am going to be ok after this. I dont feel whole anymore. If i cant trust myself how do i trust anyone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 4:41pm

Read the 'In Sheep's Clothing' book.


From my experience I will try to answer your questions....


::Why cant he just be honest?


Because in his life, he's found that lying is easier, gets him more things, or gets him his own way.