Hurting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Hurting...
3
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 9:38am

Hi everyone,

I have posted here before for advice, and everyone who replied was really helpful. Tonight I just wanted to post and get some hugs and support. Hope that's ok.

My bf broke up with me just under 5 weeks ago, we have had no contact since the breakup, though I have been tempted once or twice. I thought I was doing ok. People who have read my previous posts will have read about the huge bag of "issues" that this breakup has brought up for me, regarding friends, self-esteem, what to do with my life, whether I will be alone forever. I was so busy mourning the death of the life I thought I was going to have with him, that I did not really have the time to get upset about missing my ex. But today I missing him so much it hurts.

It was brought on by a dream I had last night. I dreamt that I has contacted him about something or other (some more months from now), and that he said that he'd slept with two girls since our breakup. And that one of them was really special and he liked her and wanted to see her again.

And then I had another dream where we'd broken up and I asked him to sleep with me and he almost refused. In real life we had a great sex life, and he said that he will really miss that as he fancies me a lot and is a bit scared he won't find another gf as pretty as me. But he was no longer in love with me and thought we were not well enough matched to stay together long-term and that he felt to young for a serious relationship, so he ended it. He is 21, I am 27. And no, I really would not want children for at least another 7-8 years.

So...

I woke up feeling really upset, and have been upset all day. The thought of never seeing him again, kissing him, touching his skin, looking into his eyes, being touched by him, makes me incredibly sad. And the thought of him kissing another woman in future, touching her, looking at her with desire, wanting her is too much for me at the moment. Whenever I think of him kissing and sleeping with another woman, wanting her as much as he wanted me, I just start crying hard.

He is at a party tonight (I was invited to that before we broke up so know that that's where he is tonight). The party is at the house that he and his friends share. And I keep having these pictures in my head of him chatting to some woman at the party, finding her attractive and flirting with her, her flirting back, him inviting her upstairs to his room. Them lying on his bed, on the duvet cover that *I* helped him to pick out, the bed which we shared on his first night in the house, kissing and him touching her body. God, this hurts so INCREDIBLY. I am actually crying now as I am typing this.

I know that that might not happen tonight. But it will at some point. He told me that while he will not want another serious gf for a while, he will not pass up one-night stands when they present themselves. He has a high sex drive. So, sooner or later, he will invite a woman back to his house, and have sex with her in the bed that we slept in, made love in, where he told me I was beautiful and how much he loved me.

I cannot bear the thought of his body being on top of someone else, his arms being wrapped around someone else, getting pleasure from being with a woman that is not me. I cannot bear to think that, yet I have been thinking about this all day.

I still want him. I know that if I offered it to him, he would gladly spend the night with me. But that would be all. He would not want me as his gf anymore. So I will not make an offer to him. It would hurt too much.

What I really miss is being with him physically. Seeing him, touching him, being held by him. Him looking at me lovingly. I miss the physical contact the most. My friends mostly live in other towns and cannot hug me, my family live in another country. I am quite a physical person and the lack of human touch is so hard to get used to.

I almost feel like dressing up and going to a bar and just going home with a half-decent looking guy. Just to feel wanted and be close physically to someone. Or alternatively getting really drunk and forget about missing my ex. But I know that these actions are self-destructive and would not be very respectful towards myself, so I won't do it. I just feel so lonely and wish I could stop thinking of my ex with some other woman. As I said, it will probably be a while before he sleeps with someone, because where he works is 99% male, and he does not meet many women in his spare time. But it will happen. And those thoughts have been like a stabbing knife all day.

If anyone can offer any hugs or just sympathy, I would be really grateful. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. Thanks for listening...

Goddess

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 7:22pm

Oh Goddess:

I feel your pain, my love. I miss my ex terribly, and I tried to initiate no contact but he keeps telling mehe wants to emil me and call me - - because he is not ready to tell me to move on - - and right now I am not ready to move on either.

I am certain I will soon tire of this limbo and eventually move on emotionally, and it's not like I hear from him often.

I miss the closeness too, but I am convinced that there is a man out there the WILL KNOW he WANTS to be part of my LIFE and not NEED space.

I don't focus on his activities as I am focused on ME. I would suggest that you do those things for yourself that help you to feel better - - pamper yourself.

It's time we re-invent ourselves with new hobbies, new lives that differ from those lives we had before.

I am not sure I am helping here, but baby, please don't go out and seek gratification of your beauty and attractiveness from others GIVE IT TO YOURSELF.

To try to get it from another will only end up causing more wounds than those you already have. Time to work on healing....take good care of the Goddess within.
Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2005
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:48pm
hey
i just read ur post.. and although i dont think any 2 ppl can feel exactly the same... i still think i can say "i know what u mean". It's only been a day since ive seen my ex and already i miss his touch, his voice, his kiss, his hand, his smile.. i hate to admit it but i crashed onto the floor and cried like a biaach at the thought of never being close to him again.. and im still crying. I cant even begin to imagine how ill feel after 5 weeks. Congratulations for being so strong and not giving in. I wanna get smashed too and just forget abt him... but it'll just be worse and i would really like to think that i can be stronger than that... but right now i dont know. The thought of my x hookin up with some girl from the club he works at makes my heart stop.. so i can totally understand y ur worried abt the party hes goin 2. But in the end (and im still trying to convince myself of this), theres bound to be someone who will never make u cry over a break up.. and someone who u'll never have to think of being happy with some one else.. because he'll be happy wit u.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 12:20pm

first i want to say that you should be really proud of yourself right now that you've been able to master the nc thing for five weeks.....that truely is amazing..it's seems so logical and makes perfect sense to do the nc thing, but at the same time it is soooo hard, so you really should focus on that. you should also be really proud of yourself that you have certain issues(which we all do) and those issues make you want to do destructive things, yet, you are strong enough to resist the temptation for temporary relief...that too is so difficult...so again, good for you, and you may not feel like it right now, but you truely are an inspiration to me and i'm sure many more women out there who struggling with the very same thing or very similar.

i agree with the other poster that you really should take this opportunity to re-define or re-discover your "true" self...you need to mourn the loss of the life you shared with your ex, and the person you were when you were with him, and embrace the "new" you that's just waiting to emerge from underneath all the pain and issues that need to be dealt with.
all the things/feelings you long for others(friends/family/bf)to give you, you need to be able to give that to yourself...and once you're able to find that for yourself, you will see that you will no longer have a "need" for others, it will be a bonus in your life.

take care.