Hurting after contact
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Hurting after contact
| Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:54am |
Hi all - I was wondering if this has happened to any of you... I'm a month into the break-up now and he's still calling sporadically, even invited me to meet him for 4th of July..no talk of reconcilliation just chit chat. Every time I hear from him my spirits are lifted, I PHYSICALLY feel so much better. Now he's stopped and I feel sick and awful inside again. I wish I could snap my fingers and feel better but I just feel awful inside thinking that the last time I spoke with him could've been the last.

Hey there, I know exactly how you feel. It's like the world is right again when they contact you and want to spend time with you. You feel like you're on cloud nine--have a smile from ear to ear---and no one can take you down from your high. Then you hear no word from them and you're left wondering what happened? Did something go wrong? Did I do something? And now it's like you're going thru another heartbreak all over again!
I've been there many times with my ex. Everytime we spoke or hung out in the back of my mind I always thought is this the last time we're going to be together??? He's been in and out of my life---contact here and there, then no word. It makes the healing and getting over process harder. It just bites.
Sometimes I wonder if they do that just to make sure you are not over them as yet??? An ego boost maybe---just a thought?
I'm sorry you're feeling awful and I don't want to say what you've probably heard a million times before...but if you just need to vent and let it all out, we're all here for you....
Hugs,
Hema
I know my ex has stopped contact with me in the past because he knows that it isn't helping anything. If he did have feelings for you in the past, then I'm sure he cares enough to stay away. When curiosity peaks, he will contact again. And if he doesn't, he ain't the guy you thought he was anyway.
-adc
-almostdoesntcount
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Honey,
I've been on that Rollercoaster Ride for the last year and 3 months and I finally got off it yesterday. GET OFF IT NOW. Dont wait as long as I did. I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I have a 2yr old son together. We were together for 5 1/2 yrs, he cheated more than once. Even cheated with me on the new gf he has now, that Iam very ashamed of myself for. I put a stop to that 3 mths ago. I know what your hoping for with him and doing things the way you are, your not gonna get it. TRUST ME. Ive been there, done that. I dont know why you guys broke up or if you have kids together but, it is true the longer you have contact with him the longer it takes for you to get over him. You want things the way they were! I learned alot of wise things on these boards. "The man you STARTED with, is not the man you PARTED with". Im sure both of you have probably changed in some ways. CHANGE, FUTURE, it's scary as hell b/c you dont know what will happen.
I do believe it's a huge EGO BOOST for the men. To have 2, or 3 women wanting them, I couldnt see that with my ex until now or I think I had just been ignoring it all this time thinking I could change him. I cant. Only he can change himself. He would USE ME b/c he cant be his own man and as soon as his gf was available it was like I became of no use to him and didnt exist. Then when she wasnt available he wanted to hang around me again. DESERVE BETTER so do YOU.
Remember this: "As long as you are holding on to what you HAD, you will not be able to get what you truly DESIRE". Today is day one of the rest of my life, to get what I truly want, deserve and desire. Am I scared, Heck yes. Scared to Death. But you know what yesterday I told him do not call me unless it pertains strictly to our son. Afterward I wanted to crawl in a hole and die it hurt so much. But I woke up today and Im fine, actually feel darn good that I finally had the courage to stand up for myself.
I've totally been there, so what I *finally* did was take control of the situation, and block my ex from calling me. Having it be MY choice that I wouldn't be hearing from him was really a freeing experience, which allowed me to finally get over him.
Sheri
Good for you luvred!!! I had to cut my ex off for exactly the same reasons, (rollercoaster affection) After the initial "I think I'm gonna die" crying spell then you actually feel relieved that it is over.
Ka1964, It's identical to an addiction. Once you get alittle, you feel better immediately and then it wears off and you want/need more. Then you panic and go through it all again, the hurt, the rejection, the "whys" start all over. Then he contacts you and you feel complete and strong. You have the power, until..... It's a cycle, it is vicious, and I stayed on it for way too long. Thats why no contact is so powerful. At first it cuts like a knife, then it dulls and eventually you do feel better. You know this man is no good for you, he has decided to end the relationship, you must decide to heal and do whats best for you!! Big big hugs, don't let him hold you back from moving on. If he is confused than time will do him good too (without you!!) YOu can do this, we are all here 4 you!
Grace
I TOTALLY know what you're going through. I am going through it now. My ex and I of 12 years broke up 3 months ago. He would call all the time, telling me he missed me, loved me, etc. But never gave me a commitment. It's no way of living. To go through everyday in excruciating pain is NO WAY to live. And if he really truly loves you and wants the best for you, he'd stop calling you and stop being selfish. My ex started calling again over the weekend after 3 weeks telling me he wants me back. I said great, but too late. Where were you when I wanted that commitment from you?? He even came over last night. The contact stirred up feelings inside that I tried to put away for the last 3 weeks. So, I'm telling you, you must stop all contact with him. Your emotional and mental well being is so much more important than giving him the comfort he wants when he calls you. He doesn't deserve it. The longer you keep in contact with him, the longer it will be for you to move on with your life. I'm learning that now, and although this morning I had the biggest urge to call my ex, I stopped myself. I knew that he could not give me what I wanted.
I wish you the best of luck, and stay strong. You WILL get through this. EVERYDAY will start getting better without any contact with your ex. I promise!! {{HUGS}}
Addiction is a great analogy - one of my friends told me the same thing, and it really makes sense. I too, went through the cycle the first time we broke up and it was horrible - I was emotionally drained, fighting depression, just a wreck. After this latest breakup, we started down the same road again. Finally I emailed him and told him not to contact me, and although I was upset he didn't even respond, I feel much stronger having made the decision. I still think about him a lot, but I'm not as sad.
I also agree that for some of these guys it really is an ego boost. When we were dating, my ex would brag about how so many of his exes just couldn't get over him. Gee, I wonder why?
Stick to no contact until you are over him. Hopefully by then you won't even want to talk to him.
It's 2:30 am and I came to iVillage for this very issue. I'm very relieved to have found others who know about this :) I don't feel so ridiculous, hahaha.
My ex of five years and I broke up about six months ago. Didn't see each other or talk much until last month, when he found me online and started to tell me how great I am (he never did that while we were together). A few weeks later, he had been drinking, called me, and we had the most wonderful evening together, laughing and cuddling, sharing our stories -- and then he choked. It happened again last week, and I can't believe I'm admitting this, but all I got from it was anxiety attacks and sleeplessness. Every ten days it's like we're breaking up all over again, and I have to admit all over again that this could happen to us. That he isn't begging to see me *all* the time because he misses me, but doesn't actually want me. I told him not to contact me again -- it was the saddest moment of my life to give up hope.
I know exactly what you're going through. You WILL talk with him again, eventually, on your terms. But for now, it's hurting you, and you have enough of that on your plate. It's so sad that you have *this* to contend with as well, but it's just... sad. It's supposed to be sad.
So be sad. You won't be forever. You're going to get through this -- everything is going to be okay :)
The last time you spoke with him may not be 'the last time' forever, but so soon after your break up, needs to be the last time, for a while.
Though often, we wish it could be different, when a relationship ends, keeping in touch can sometimes be more of a hinderance than a help - it doesn't allow both people to move in the direction they need to - seperate paths, as they are no longer walking together on the same one.
When the periodic calls, emails, invitations to get together, or 'platonic dates' eventually stop - as would be expected after a break up - that lack of contact can feel like a break up all over again, setting a person who is still healing back even further.