hurting and not sure what to do
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 02-23-2008 - 10:33am |
hello all,
i am on day 6 of no contact.
R broke up with me over the past weekend. both of us had been out of serious long term relationships of 4+ yrs for about 1 yr (me- 25) or 1.5 yrs (him- 26). we dated for almost 8 months, we had a few ups and downs- mostly because he had asked me to move in with him about 1.5 months ago and i had agreed but realized it was not the correct decision for me (too soon, too rushed) and told him so 4 days later. things seemed fine until when he came back from his business trip at the beginning of this month.
Instead of taking him directly home from the airport because he was exhausted (which i realize would have been the most appropriate action) i forced him to go to my best friend's birthday gathering at the local bar for 2 hrs. i got sloppily drunk in the process. (mind you, this is the 2nd time in our relationship that i have done so. the first time was on our 3rd date) he had to drive me back to his apt and we proceeded to argue. he said that i didn't want to be the gf he wanted, that i didn't want the same things that he wanted- to live together, that i was highly emotionally volatile and he didn't want my behaviors to rub off on him. that every month that we were dating he was losing $600 on his rent because i didn't want to live there and he didn't want a roommate because he doesn't trust other people. that i was using his water/electricity/heat and taking up refrigerator space when i left food (which he ate). he said a lot of things that i believe he has held in for quite some time that he did not express to me. i wish he had.
we did not talk for about a week- a few text messages here and there. i asked him to go to valentine's dinner with me, as i had planned to take him to sel de la terre and had already bought him a monogrammed money clip and business card case. i wrote him a love letter expressing that i would like to work things out, how much i loved him and why, and thanking him for wanting me to be a better person. the dinner went well. it seemed that night, that we could be getting back together. he asked me to "maybe go see rambo tomorrow and have dimsum and shop over the weeknd" the following night via text on vday after dinner. i texted back "maybe, see how you feel tomorrow." friday came and he never contacted me. usually he works until 10pm or later. i told him i would be going out with some friends around 7pm. he said that he had cleared his whole evening for me and said that he wouldn't be able to hang out over the weekend because some things came up.
somehow someone texted from his phone at 1 am last saturday that he and his friend jill (a 21 yr old) was on a date. i was infuriated. i called him immediately several times and no one answered. then he must have shut off his phone. i tried to call him all day the following day and he finally returned my calls and we talked for 2 hrs. he officially dumped me on the phone- citing that we are not meant to be, we are too different (none of the things he mentioned were ever issues before until that night)... i told him that i didn't want to be with anyone else, that i loved him and realized it, but he said that even though he was happy to hear that, it was too little too late. that i would find someone else in a month or two and i wouldn't even miss him.
i feel like i lost my final chance and have made things even worse. he said i had gotten my last chance and there were no more from him. that he didn't have time to develop me to where i needed to be as a person and if i wanted to wait for him, it would take 2 yrs. but if someone truly loves you and wants to reconcile, wouldn't they want to give you another chance?
i have not been able to sleep, i toss and turn in the night wondering how someone could so quickly decide that i am not the right person for them right now, judge me and think that i am who he described. but what hurts the most is that he said he lost his love feelings for me over a month ago. i believe it is because i am not ready to move in yet. i firmly believe that we should be dating for at least a year or two before doing that. i don't know what else to do except let him go if he says he felt miserable because of me and said that i was the most selfish person he has ever met that didn't consider other people's feelings. a lot of what he said to me seemed like he was lashing out verbally because he was angry.
i'm not sure what to do except back off and give him miles and miles of space in the hope that he may still realize he loves me. is this a futile action? in the very least it will give me space to focus on myself and develop the improvments that i want to do- exercise, focus on my career, reconnect with my girlfriends, learn to think things through and control my emotional responses.
i just feel like there is no hope that we can get back together. i'm grieving the dream of what we could be- stable, reliable adults that would be team and be there for each other. he couldn't tell me why or how he loved me, even though he was the one who said it first on the same day he asked me to move in. maybe he wasn't in love with me in the first place?

Hi ccheckers,
I know you are hurting and I'm sorry.... but I think you dodged a bullet.
thank you for your response cl-itwinflame.
i do agree that i have dodged a bullet somehow. i feel more relieved now that i have thought about how angry his words were, even though i know that they are not true. i strongly feel that this relationship had the potential to be so great for the two of us if the time was right and most importantly, if he were a man of compromise, instead of stating that he would not change and is proud of that fact.
do you think that it would be appropriate to contact him to get some closure- as in explain that i accept and respect his decision to break up and when the time is right, ask to become real friends? i mean the type of real friendship that involves true give and take and support? i feel that we have a lot of goals, ambitions, interests, as well as the fact that we have always challenged each other, and i do not want to lose that.
if you do think its appropriate, should i wait until i stop having these feelings of love for him so that it can change?
do you believe it would be possible to even be friends?
Before you can decide if you can or want to be friends with him, heal first.
Thanks for your wise response winflame.
I've struggled through the weekend, hoping he would make contact or reach out to me, but deep down I know that he truly does not want me or will not even try. I feel this deep sense of loss where I know it is not meant to be right now and may never be in the future either. I keep wondering what he is doing, if he even misses me or thinks of me. I know the answer is mostly likely not, as he initiated the break up. I sometimes start crying when I see things that remind me of him.
I'm trying to stay strong by keeping a list of hurtful things he said to me- even though I know I am not how he painted me- the actions or the verbalizations.
Ideally, I would like to be friends for the wrong reasons I think- hoping to reconcile or hoping he might want to be with me again-
Don't sell yourself short - chances are he misses you very much. Nobody gets out of a relationship unscathed no matter how much it seemes like it. But that doesn't have any implications on what you are going or need to do right now.
The only other things I want to point out is something that haunted me for a long long long long time after my break up ..but what the heck is this business about second chances? The bible says it quite succinctly in this case, "how many times should I forgive, Lord? Up to Seven times? "No, up to seventy times seven times". It means the adult relationship you're looking for is one where the two parties don't...tally...up...the..chances....capice? How many times have you forgiven him? Did you keep count? No? Find someone who does the same to you. It's so so so so so easy to fall into the mind set that it's ALL YOUR FAULT when someone says that they 'gave you lots of chances, and you screwed up! So I can't give you any more". But I guarantee, GUARENTEE, that this break up is AT LEAST 50/50 blame here.
So chin up. There are some things you need to fix obviously, but it doesn't detract from the fact that you're a fantastic woman.
cheers
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
Hugs Ccheckers.
I attempted to copy & past a line which bothered me..."he said he did not have time to develop YOU as a person". What is that supposed to mean.? You are an individual, not someone's projects. He needs to realize you will develop into who YOU are. You are better off with out him. I know at day 7, you do not want to hear this. But it is true.
I understand your feelings about waiting to move in, he should respect those feelings if he loves you. Then to say, you use his refrigerator space..please. I was in an
seachells
thank you all for your support and advice, i can't thank you enough. just knowing that there are people out there (even if it is the internet!) that have the same or similar experiences is very soothing for me right now. i know i can come here and post.
today has been tough because i ran into him at the local target during my work lunch. i didn't say a word to him and he tried to text me "how are you". i deleted it. the entire time i felt so confused emotionally, because obviously there was the rush of "i love you" feelings and the "wow, you really hurt me and i'm still hurting" feelings. at the same time i was glad to just be able to see him but was also feeling all the frustrations from our last encounter.
i don't know when i will be able to really face him or even talk to him, so now is just not a good time for me to have contact with him. we both have lots of things to work on and i am certainly not sure what else to do but stay away.
i absolutely agree that i want an adult relationship that doesn't include scorekeeping or potential emotional abuse. i want my ideal someone to be crazy about me, love me, cherish me, never ever take me for granted nor tell me that i am the one with issues. i am going to be who i am, flaws and all, i am not a child that someone has to take responsibility for.
i'm going to try and take a long bubble bath and spend some time reading a few of my favorite magazines for now.