Hurting and still living with him
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| Sun, 11-26-2006 - 1:26am |
I moved in with him over 1 1/2 years ago. Before moving in with him, we were engaged. I still had my 18 yr old living with me (20 yr old already gone). I owned my own home and had a good job. He was so wonderful the first year, driving the 16 hour round trip to see me every 3 weeks or so, calling me every night. Since his transfer still hadn't come through, I decided to move in with him. Almost immediately, he changed.
He became withdrawn. The sex pretty much dwindled down to nothing. We called the engagement off, but he agreed to go to counselling with me, but never did any of the exercises the therapist suggested. Though he can talk my ear off, it's always about nothing important and when I want to bring up our relationship or the lack of sex, he immediately says there's nothing wrong and he doesn't want to talk about it. I've been talking about leaving for a few months and I know my friends all wonder why I'm still here putting up with a cold, emotionally distant man. As intelligent as I know I am, I have hard time saying "enough is enough". Last night, though, I finally got it. It's been over for him for a long time. He is just comfortable having me around as a companion, but he doesn't really love me anymore.
I have been crying and feel so unloved. I sold my house just before a huge real estate boom and the house I sold 1 1/2 yrs ago is now worth $200,000 more. I'm left with only the small nest egg I had, but because house prices have risen so drastically here, I won't be able to get as nice a place as I had before. Since I've been with him, his house has appreciated more than $100,000.
I just don't know what to do. We still get along as friends, but I miss my lover. Even though it was obvious to everyone else that I should leave, I kept hoping that he would come around. I realize now that I am one of those women who love too much. My kids are now 20 and 22. It takes 8 hours just to get there one way to visit them, but they are adults. I have a job here that I like and have made many good friends, but I feel so far away from my kids and old best friends. Should I move back to my old city (I hate the big city itself that I moved from), look for a new job and be closer to my kids or do I stay here, try to buy a little place (house prices for this area are still forecasted to continue rising), and stay with the job I like? Should I insist that he get a loan and pay me something to get set up on my own, and if so, how much? I am just so confused and devastated. I'm so tired of this.

I'm sorry you feel stuck in a rut.
Before you jump to buy anything locally or back in your old city, consider job shopping in the old city first.... you like your job, that is very important and if it affords you a good salary, you can always spend one weekend a month with your best friend in the old city and one with your kids. Weighing the options take time. If you lived in the old city, how often would you see the kids? I'm asking because you want to encourage their independence and having their own life. As nicely as possible, they can't save you from being alone, meaning don't look to them to be your support system, they have active lives I'm sure.
As for the relationship, I'd say he's got the 'classic avoidance' thing going on. He won't talk about what is uncomfortable. He also seems to be 'happy' with the routine and lack of sex. And nothing is wrong with you for wanting more. He's not meeting your needs, nor does it sound as though he cares to (you've given him some opportunities - counseling and the discussions you bring up) He'll say nothings wrong in the sex dept because if he admits to it, he knows his whole life will have to change.
Since you think you love too much, have you read the book on the subject? Or considered individual therapy to address the issue?
Other reading material to consider:
Five Love Language, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue, Dr Phil (the tests are great)
Feeling Good: New Mood Therapy, David Burns MD (more tests to help you know yourself)
My best to you.
Carrie
You're going to be surprised but I have to agree with almost everything you said in your post. I have finally realized that I am one of those women who love too much. I am independent at first but once I invest my heart into someone, I put it all in. I've been reading a lot about this and I definitely "fit" all the descriptions on this subject.
The only things I must disagree with are that I really have tried changing things. I've used some of the things I've been learning, but perhaps it's too late. He's already made up his mind that he would rather be alone. We finally had the most personal conversation yesterday that we've had in a long time. He told me he has been feeling like pulling away for a long time and has realized he just likes being alone. I feel that if he had opened up like this a long time ago, we could have made it work.
I know that I should be out on my own for a while, work on my own "loving too much" issues. I am going to look for a place and move out in the new year. I am just fighting hard with being bitter about it all.
I did try talking about things with him in the past but all I would EVER get is "Why are you bringing this up...I don't want to talk about it now" and when I would ask if we could schedule a time to discuss it for even just 15 minutes, he would say "no, I never want to talk about it." So, I really did try. As to me bringing up the lack of sex, I believe I was very delicate and didn't bring it up too often. I always initiated sex because he quit once I moved in with him.
When I sit back and look at the man he has become, I do know that he really isn't a good fit for me, yet I keep thinking about how he was when he was trying to woo me. I know, I have to move on.
Thanks for your response.
Thanks for your response. I have been sending resumes to places in the old city, as well as head hunters have always sent me opportunities to move back. But you are right, I don't want to stifle the kids. They are 20 and 22 and do have there own lives, even though they miss me sometimes. If only I were 3 hours away instead of 8. I think that is my biggest issue with being away from them because when they do need me, it's not like I can jump in the car and be there in an evening.
I do see a therapist every week. She has been encouraging me to move out on my own for a long time. She says what you did, that I have given him lots of opportunity and he just doesn't want to invest anything into the relationship if he has to do any compromising.
The funny thing is, everytime I start to pull away and decide, ok, this is it, I have to make a change, then all of a sudden, he's sweet and helping with things and being nicer. It just makes me think that he is finally starting to try and then boom...I start to come back around and up the wall goes again.
I sure appreciate everyone's thoughts.
Oh, I forgot to mention the books...
Yes, my eyes were opened wide when I read the book "Women Who Love Too Much". It described me so much.
I also bought Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue and when I started going through the questions, it basically said "Why are you with this partner?" Also, he wasn't willing to do any of the things it suggested either.
Can't draw blood from a stone, huh?
Hi Sandra,
I just found out last night that my b/f has been seeing someone else at work. He called me on my cell last night to ask if he could go for coffee with a friend. I asked how long he had been "going for coffee". He said a couple of weeks, that his co-worker and he have been talking about our relationship and her break up. I told him he should have been talking to me because that's all I've been asking for for the last few months. Apparently he has told her that it's been over for a while (he told her it was mutual) and that I'm just trying to find somewhere else to move to.
He told me has only been having coffee and has remained true to me. Then I asked if he had kissed her and he said yes. I told him that was still cheating whether he had intercourse or not. He HAD to go over to her last night to tell her he and I talked. I am absolutely devastated!!!
I am hurting so bad I can hardly function. My g/f's have told me to go see a lawyer right away to see what my rights are as a common-law wife. I've put in a call. I'm seeing my counsellor in 1/2 hour, so I'm trying to get help. I just can't believe he couldn't wait for me to move. I have been bringing boxes home, but haven't packed because I kept hoping that he would put his arms around me and beg me to stay. After last night, at least I know for sure that isn't going to happen. And I don't think I could continue living here in this small city knowing that they are dating.
I am so tempted to call her and very nicely tell her that he has lied to her about us being totally finished, that I still had hopes and we have still slept together. I'm sure he has told her we've been sleeping in separate rooms, which we have off and on, but just recently I slept with him.
I just can't believe this is happening.
Sandy