Hurting badly... Long, but it may help
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 07-21-2005 - 12:33pm |
My fiance of nearly 2 years and I broke up about a month and a half ago. The short history is: When we met it was perfect. He went back to his job he had before at a different place (we met at work) and almost immediately started talking about how funny this girl was. I became alarmed right away. Since then, she's left notes on his truck, given him girfts for his birthday, sent emails, etc. She's hounded him for a year and a half. He insisted she was too young (16 years his junior) and just a kid, he was not interested. But I'd see him talking to her sometimes. He'd insist it wasn't her. She sent me emails saying she was pregnant by him. He defended her when I aske dhim to make it stop, saying "She only sent you a couple of emails". He's lied to me which completely broke my trust to begin with, but I ignored my gut feelings and my friends and stayed with him. The last 6 months of our relationship I spent crying. I knew I loved him more than anything and was very fearful of losing him.
I had my own part in the break-up. I was depressed quite a bit once I started feeling threatened. I let my fears, insecurities and worries be known to him. I practically begged for him to leave me because I'd constantly say that I knew he would one day...that my time with him was limited...that someone would cross his path and he'd want her, etc.
I complained a lot about the way I looked, making him reassure me all the time about all of it. He's not going to leave me. He doesn't want anyone else. He wants to marry ME. I look fine.
I also became very co-dependent. I thought that by being his right hand, I was making myself feel better about my own self-worth. Wrong! I avoided my friends to spend time with him. I let my kids spend more time with their dad so I could spend more time with my fiance. I did EVERYTHING for him and his kids that I could. I think I, in essence, made him feel quite useless around the house. I wouldn't let him help with chores, insisting that he worked harder than me, so he should just rest. Then I started feeling like that was all I was there to do. I questioned him A LOT about other women and especially this one particular girl.
He finally told me that he thought we should end it. It took a couple of weeks for me to agree, thinking if I did, he'd change his mind. Well, he didn't. Te girl that he said was just a kid ended up being his new dating partner. He says he doesn't know if he wants to get back with me. He was going to think about us and how he felt about our future. That he wasn't going to see anyone else. LEss than 2 weeks after I agreed we should go our seperate ways, she's at his house at 11:30 at night.
He says they haven't "been together", but I doubt that a person who spends a year and a half pursuing someone is going to waste any time getting to him, if you know what I mean. I think he's trying to save my feelings.
I'm very confused. I love him and he's a wonderful provider, dad, lover. He's so handsome and secure. He's domesticated, too. He's not the typical man. BUT, he's lied to me, he's made me doubt myself, he doesn't communicate with me or his daughter (Who caused a lot of stress on the relationship too), he became unaffectionate and there was very little respect from him (in certain ways) or his daughter to me. He still says he doesn't know if he wants me back, but I need to discover if I really want him back.
I am trying to work on my self-esteem issues and my co-dependency issues. I have read many "Get Him Back" books and they all say to do the opposite of what I'm doing...calling, emailing, making surprise visits, driving by his house, sending cards, letters and gifts, pleading for him, begging to come back, crying and being disgustingly depressed when I talk to him. It's all pushing him further away.
What I want to do now is see him one last time to tell him that I'm moving on. I love him, but I am ready to make myself happy. I want him to be happy (I really do), even if it means without me. I want him to see me being indifferent though, which is where I am headed finally. It may make him want me back if he thinks I'm changing and not being so dependent on him to make me feel good about myself, or to see that maybe I won't smother him so badly. Whatever...
I don't think this girl he's seeing will be it for him, but I could be wrong. She could be the best thing that's ever happened to him. Good for him if that's the case. I don't think she'll put up with his youngest daughter because that kid doesn't like any girlfriend of his and because she lives with her dad, she's there ALL the time. Then he has an older, mentally handicapped daughter. I don't see this chick wiping any 18YO's fanny anytime soon when she's pooped in her pants (which is a lot, she's not potty-trained). She may decide it's too much. I don't mind that he's seeing someone else. I expected it. But to date the one person who caused the most misery in our relationship by makiing me miserable so I made him miserable was a serious stab in the heart. It made me realize that he WAS interested the whole time...another lie.
I'm getting better. I have good friends who listen. I'm starting counseling. I'm starting a new job which will consume more of my time too. I'm going to start going out to fun places as soon as I find out where to go. I've never done it so it's new and I'd like to have someone to go with too.
Sorry it's so long. Good luck everyone!!!! Let me know what is helping you.....

You are right. I know that she is not right for him, but it's not my choice. He is a grown man who has a good head on his shoulders. I just think he's having fun and satisfying his curiosity. I made her so taboo during our relationship that now he HAS to go out with her. Plus, I was so depressing and self-deprecating, he's probably dying to go out with someone who wasn't like that, at least not around him. Someone who was happy most of the time. It's a nice change.
I realize that stuff about me and am working hard to change it. I try not to think about if she's spending the night, if they're having sex, etc. None of my business! I am interested in getting a life of my own, creating my own happiness. I'm excited to be single for a while. I never have. I've went from one relationship to another, never had the chance to be independent, always felt I needed a man in my life, always had one. I want to know what it's like to go out and meet people, casually. Date casually. Be in control.
I'm actually seeing a guy now. I felt starved for affection and attention and he gave it to me. I thought I had fallen in love, but I realized one day that I did not love this guy. I told him that. I said I wanted to still see him every once in a while, but I needed to slow it WAY down. I was carrying a lot of emotional baggage around. Still have the carry-on too. But I'm getting rid of it! The more I read and think about how I'm good and worthy and don't need a man to feel validated and complete, the more indifferent I feel about my ex and his new relationship.
I don't call the guy I'm dating, he calls me, and some of those calls go unanswered. I quit spending the night and have started doing more with my kids and friends. I feel in control of this part of my life and it feels really good. Not that I want to string him along so I have someone to go out with if I want it, but I want to be able to control how I feel about a person. If I'm not in love, I don't want to feel trapped. If I am in love, I still don't want to feel trapped. If it's not a healthy, rewarding relationship for one or both of us, I want to be strong to say so and move on.
The fact is, my ex's kid won't let anyone hang around for long. She'll run this girl off unless this girl can do something I didn't try. I doubt it, because I tried EVERYTHING! I've thought of all the things I didn't like about the relationship...things I HAVE to have like respect from all parties involved, honesty, truth, communication, affection and I know that I was not getting it from him or his kid, nor will I ever. They are just alike. If she got caught in a lie, he'd let it go rather than make her mad at him by punishing her, or letting her know that he knows she lied. Same thing with her lack of respect for me and my kids. Short story:
My parents came in from Florida to have dinner with us at my ex's house. His daughter got upset because I asked her to stop being hateful to my kids (she grunted at them when she came in from school instead of saying "hi" back to them). She cried and called her mom and grandma. Well, I cooked dinner while grandma came to the rescue and after my ex got off work, he went to his mom's house and picked his kid up. When they came home, he said he thought we should eat then me, my kids and my parents should leave. He didn't try to talk to his kid, make her understand she can't be hateful to my kids for no reason and to quit being disrespectful. Fact is, she didn't want us there, so she got her way and we were made to leave. That hurt. Not that he should pick me over his kid, but there are certain behaviors we have to learn early to be decent people.
I tried to get them to communicate so he could find out what she's feeling. NO WAY!! They aren't that way. I tried to accept it and even defend it all. Not a good idea.
Basically I know that although I loved him with all I had, it was not meant to be. Just as much as a broken heart to get over, I have to get over how comfortable I was...it was routine and I got used to it. Then all of a sudden being alone and routine-less made me crazy. I seriously wanted to die and planned it all out. The only reason I didn't do it was my kids were with me that day. I feel better now and see a hopeful and bright future. I'm working on my self-esteem which has been a life-long issue and I'm working on who I REALLY am. What I REALLY like. What I'M WORTH ALL BY MYSELF, not what I'm worth based on what I can provide to someone else. I'm doing good!!!
Thanks for all the advice!!! Keep it coming. It's reassuring that I'm doing the right thing for me and my kids.
Oh my gosh, tmcamp, reading your posts just gives me so much hope for myself. The circumstances that we're going through and being dealt may be different, but so many of the feelings that you've mentioned you have felt and are feeling are so similar to the ones that I have too. (I've posted under "Old question, new person".)
I hope and pray for you and your children - that everything turns out alright (and it sounds like they're on the way there!). :)