hurting right now
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 01-26-2006 - 1:45pm |
My 6 year relationship ended last week. We had been having problems for 15 months.We have a 2 year old daughter and my ex is daddy to my 9 year old daughter.
15 months ago,after a break away with my girls and a friend, my partner told me he was in a lot of finanical difficulty,due to over use of credit cards and a massive loan(paperwork found by me afterwards)that he took out behind my back(we have seperate accounts-thank godness).
He was struggling to keep up with payments in excess of £2000 and it took several months for all the creditorsto agree to accept reduced payments which are now £400 a month. But depression really took hold of him and he completely changed.He would come home from work in a mood,some nights he would barely speak to me. he stopped touching me,didnt want to make love or any kind of affection.Because I loved him I figured i would support him through this very diffcult time,even though our love making had always been very importnant part of our relationship.
After some time it became clear that i was the major bread winner,as my partner made it clear he was struggling to give me any house keeping. Only working part time I was faced with paying most of the bills when he couldnt contribute.
He started getting moody with the kids,couldnt bare any noise and would shout all the time.
By december i was beginning to think maybe i was really sticking by him because part of me was scared of being on my own and when he told me not to expect any money at all i just lost it. by now i was getting into debt as well and knew i was going to have to get a full time job,for the kids sake. xmas i paid for all the kids presents,even though i was on a tight budget it stioll cost. Partner and I had decided no present s for us but i brought him a nice card. He brought me a cheap newsagent card with no real thought to it. I felt a bit taken for granted.
It all came to a head last week when he came home from work early and the house was untidy.I'd been up all night as our youngest had a wee infection and i couldnt be bothered to tidy up. Bascially he went into a tirade of abuse,called me a lazy slob(!) and a twisted bitch and I burst into tears. I really couldnt believe what i was hearing.
Off he went to his mums for a break and i just got on with it as I was seething with anger. At the weekend he came round as normal with his daughter from previous marriage(stays every other weekend)and nothing was said. On sunday I suggested we discuss our future, to which he told me he had nothing to say-he meant every word and wasnt about to take it back.So i told him to move out. Afetr screaming at our daughter who was having a tantrum,he stormed out with his daughter,who of course was really upset.
By this Monday,I called his daughter to reassure her all would be ok no matter what,and then discovered from his ex who im ok with, that he has continued to pay her maintence,despite lying to me and telling me he hasnt be able to. Have I got mug wriiten on my forehead or what.?
Hadnt heard from him until today,when he called to see how the kids were. I said we needed to talk and decide what was happening-i still love him and it was hard hearing his voice. He hasnt decided what to do but its over, i know it is. Now comes the painful bit of discussing maintence and contact with the kids.
I never thought it would end.We were always so happy-when our daughter was born everything was so perfect. Now Im having to start work full time next weekand have barely any money.I know it is partially my fault for putting up with it-many of my friends thave told me he is no good for me.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time; breaking up is never fun, but I'm sure it is even harder when there are children involved.
From the sound of your post, I think you and your partner need some time apart. He is obviously stressed and is taking his frustration and stress out on you and the kids, and that is completely unacceptable. For the sake of your kids, you cannot allow him to do this (you don't want them to grow up thinking that that is appropriate behavior). Maybe he will be able to get his finances straightened out and then he will be able to focus on your relationship; however, in the meantime I think you need to stop worrying about him (much easier said than done, I know).
I know you what whatever is best for your kids, and in my opinion, having two emotionally happy adults as role models (even if they are not together) is what is best for them.
Obviously I don't know the details of your relationship since you can't possibly convey everything that has happened in a single post; however, if your friends say this guy is no good for you, they are probably right. I say that only because, in most cases, everything is much clearer on the outside of a relationship. I think you should take your friends' advise and take a break, at least until you have your finances under control and have had some time to really reflect on what it is you want.
Breaking up is the pits, but we're here to support you, so please come here and vent anytime you feel like it. It is slow, but healing happens, and eventually you will feel better and you'll know you made the right choice. Hang in there!
-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!