hurts to know ex is happy w/someone else

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
hurts to know ex is happy w/someone else
1
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:20pm
Its only been a day but in reality 5 weeks since our relationship wasnt a relationship anymore. What kills me is knowing my ex will find someone else to laugh with cuddle with confide in. Be happy with someone else other then me. Yes i broke it off. But he was being incredible mean the last 5 months. Which is when I guess he started to realize he wasnt in love with me anymore. Him being mean and hurtful towards me has ruined my self esteem. I some how feel like I could have fixed this. I made him fall out of love w/me. I made him hate me as much as he did. Knowing he will find someone else soon kills me. I know i will find someone else as well. But i looked at him as my soul mate I wanted marriage. He did not. Hes been over this long before its been over. And Im only beginning to deal with it now :( how did you react when u knew your ex was with someone else. Especially if you where the one that loved more and wanted it to work out. omg this hurts a ton. How do u get over believing someone is the one?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 5:29pm

I replied to your first message before i read this one, so I'll comment here too (my own break up has left me with a lot of time on my hands - ha ha)

When my first love - high school boyfriend - broke up with me, I took it HARD. Really hard. Frighteningly hard. A couple of months later, I saw him at a club with his new girlfriend and he was enough of a jerk to rub his new relationship (and her breasts) in my face. (no he didn't rub her breasts on me - you know what I mean).

It was awful. So awful. For the next few weeks I would have that image of him being with her and it literally felt like someone had kicked me in the chest. I felt so awful and I know I lost some friends over the fact that I couldn't stop talking about him for months and hated him and loved him so much at the same time. I regret that.

A few years later I heard he was in another committed relationship with a girl I knew a little, and who I liked. Despite the fact that I was also in a committed relationship at the time, I took that hard. Then I heard they were moving in together. Then engaged. It sucked for me. But then one day, I heard they were starting their own business together - a field he always loved and which I wasn't really interested in. But she was. For some reason, I understood then that she was far more suited to him than I would ever have been. It never would have worked out. We would never have had what they have (now married too) and I'd been wasting time, sabotaging my own relationships etc pining over someone that it never could have worked out with anyways.

My current break-up is only going on day 6, and I know he'll find someone else - probably sooner than later and probably before I do. But I know that the reasons we broke up are still valid reasons and that I still love him (just) enough to want him to be happy. I will get out there again eventually and find someone who thinks I'm fabulous. I hate to think of him being so sweet and attentive (and a great lover - let's be honest here) to someone else. It makes me nauseous. Literally. But I'm not going to sign up again for the disappointment and crumbling self-esteem that would be getting back together. He's the perfect man - for someone else. If he was perfect, he'd have called this week or fought for us, or even apoligized.

I'm sure you'll hear this from other posters that you're not at fault here. You didn't 'make him hate you' or 'make him fall out-of-love'. It feels like that now, but it's not the truth. At the very very absolute most, one can only take 50% of the blame for any break-up (barring something like abuse or cheating). I think you should accept significantly less than that. He chose his behavior. He chose to treat you poorly and not be there for you. Why? Because he's not the man for you. Because he's too cowardly to come right up and say what's on his mind. Because he's too busy figuring out ways to make you feel bad about youself. The fact that he was doing this stuff points not to a failure within you, but a failure within him. It's not your fault he's screwed up. It's not your responisiblity to fix him.

Keep us all posted

L




Edited 7/1/2006 5:32 pm ET by oryx72