Husband cruising dating website.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Husband cruising dating website.
6
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 9:10am

I am feeling so devastated right now. For three days my husband and I have been talking aobut separting. We have been married almost seven years and we have two children. I'm the one who suggested the separation because we are just not functioning right now. I need to learn to breathe again and learn to like myself again. For the last three days, I have heard everything that is wrong with me from him, and I mean EVERYTHING. I have accepted that a lot of what he is saying is right. I understand my faults, thus the reason I want to step back for a little while. I straight-out told him I wasn't talking about a divorce. So for three days I have been hearing non-stop all my faults and then last night we start talking about things again. His last comment of the conversation was basically that this was my choice, that he does not want to separate and that maybe we can learn to communicate with each other without all the anger. I agreed that I don't want to separate but I just am at a loss of what to do.

He then gets up to work on the computer. I walk in around 10 minutes later to tell him something and notice, HE IS ON A ONLINE DATING WEBSITE! I was crushed. He just got done telling me that he wants to work on our marriage then walks in and in crusing a dating site. I lost it. I asked him why he would do that? His answer "I'm curious. I want to know what is out there for a forty year old man now. I mean I'm already thinking of the future." OMG! Then he got mad at me for making a big deal out of nothing.

I don't know what to do. My first reaction is to pack his stuff and tell him to come and get it. I mean if the first thing he is thinking about is what other women might be out there for him then obviously he isn't serious about wanting to work on our marriage. I had no intention of using the separation as an opportunity to meet someone else. I wanted to use it to work on our marriage. I thought if we aren't in each other's faces so much then maybe we can learn to focus on the good parts of each other more.

I told him straight out that now I am in doubt of everything claim he had that he wanted to work on our marriage. His answer "I told you I'm sorry and if you can't accept it then that's too bad".

How do I deal with this? Am I making too much of this one issue? It just hurts so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 9:39am

You said he told you he wanted to work on the marriage but did you say the same? You sounded to me as though you were the one pulling away and saying you were confused and if you weren't committing to work on it, he may have seen that there was no hope. Looking at the online dating site was probably a protective measure -- something he did to tell himself that if you did walk out on him, he'd be able to find someone else. I wonder...have you two considered counseling? I especially am intrigued by the fact that he seems eager to point out all your flaws while not recognizing how he is contributing to the problems in the marriage. You need to have a conversation where you acknowledge your faults and he acknowledges his and you each discuss how that is hurting each other without throwing all this blame around. That just my two cents. I hardly think him looking at the online dating site is as much an issue as is the fact that you two are yelling at each other and blaming each other so often.

Steph

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 9:58am

Rather than separating, why not get into intensive couples counseling to try to work through your issues? I just don't see a separation as at all conducive to trying to work things out...I'd at least talk about it with a counselor first.

Him looking at a dating site isn't wonderful, by any means, but I don't think it's at the top of your list of issues, really.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 10:35am

I've tried really hard in our conversations to not blame him for any of our problems. I have tried to talk in terms of how we interact together because in the past when I have pointed out something about him he immediately turns around so that I am to blame for his behaviors...I cause him to be the way he is. At this moment all I feel like is that there is nothing redeeming in me. I guess the dating site was like the icing on the cake for me. I explained to him several times that I don't want to end our marriage but I am desperate not to live like this anymore. I am despeserate. I told him that if he had any suggestions as to an alternate plan then I was totally open to anything. His answer was "I don't know what to tell you." His intial reaction to separating was that he didn't think it would be good for the kids. That we should continue to live together but just "give up". As he told me, "I'll just have the attitude that I don't care anymore what you think or do." Basically, you live you life and I'll live mine? I can't live like that.

I have suggested counseling but he doesn't want to spend the money for it. At least that is the excuse he is giving me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 10:56am

I don't believe staying together just for the sake of the kids is ever a good idea. Ideally, you would both work together and try to provide a loving, nurturing environment where you and your husband were an example of a happy relationship. That's the ideal. If you are fighting all the time and the kids hear that, that is no environment for them to grow up in either. Can you plead with him, for the sake of the kids, to agree to go to counseling to work through your differences? It certainly would be cheaper than a divorce or even a separation (where you'd have to pay for two separate places to reside). If you go to a church, you could check with your pastor -- often they have Christian counselors they recommend for just that and it might be a little cheaper that way. I definitely think it is going to take a third, objective party to help the two of you work through this. You're both too close to it to really see it objectively. Unless your husband can stop pushing all the blame on you, this is just going to continue to deteriorate until there's nothing left...including your self-esteem.

Steph

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 11:24am

If he doesn't want to "spend the money" for counseling to even TRY to save your marriage, then he's done, I think. That is such a lame excuse, it's not even funny. I'm sorry.

I agree with you that living like he proposes is no way to live. I think that it's time to tell him, he either goes to counseling with you or you separate with the intention of divorcing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 4:59am

It sounds to me like he's never been wrong a day in his life! And poor him just stumbling thru life with no choice in any situation, all he does is innocently bend to your every creulty. Poor him just cruising the web right in front of you after a hurtful exchange, in search of your replacement. How dare you get frustrated or angry, after all he just told you what was wrong with you. You were certainly perfect the day he married you! Thus why should he pay money to fix the situation I'm sure he told you exactly what to do to make him happy!

Does that sum up your husband accurately? If so don't work on the marriage, he's a soul sucker, his mission is to make you feel as bad as he knows he is. He's manipulating you, you can't have a discussion with a "poor me" person they never feel accountable for their actions.