I am always breaking NC rule

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
I am always breaking NC rule
3
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 9:18am
Here's my story I was married to this man in 2000 we were divorced a year later I has some health problems came out of nowhere, blood clots ended up losing my left leg! So he divorced me a year before I lost my leg but he knew it was bound to happen. after divorced we had absolutely NC for a year then he called. We started meeting at different places for sex and I would go home without him every time crying and feeling like a tramp because I was sneaking around to see a man that i was so much in love with, Well this has continued for four years! yep I let him use me and i settled for whatever amount of time i could get from him for all those years well in last nine months things had become more serious he practically was living with me again! He's in and out he gets mad he leaves I can never depend on the fact that he will always be there...it's been so confusing this man has left me with my mouth hanging to the ground so many times just constant confusion not sure what we have. So we get very close again everything goes good but i'm wanting something more not marriage just a commitment of SOME kind, I told him i need to KNOW that he will be there for me well he's not willing to give me that he left agian this time dint calll or answers his callls for couple days but broke the rule last night lol he callled to check up on me wanted to know what we were going to do? I got the impression that he was looking for my permission so he can move on and sleep with other women which he has done plenty of in past four years! I know I deserve better than this I have no one really to talk to my friends are actually tired of hearing the same old story...someone please talk to me help me get through this.....I have read a lot of post here and all were very inspiring.....I feel like such a fool for letting this man do this to me for so long...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 2:54pm

I thought I was ready part of Kate Winslet's character's story from The Holiday...have you seen it?

Have you consider counseling to help you break from this guy? You may know you deserve better but you don't BELIEVE it yet.

Reading material to consider:

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern
Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody

Hopefully someone will have some good advice for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 3:22pm
It always hurts to get over a love, but you cant just hold on when you arent sure theres anything there. If hes not making the impression that he wants what you want, that hes willing to give you what you need, then you need to move on. A lot of these people say that NC is the way to go, but for someone like myself, I did it without the NC rule. We talked we shared our joys, but we never mensioned "us". It was the least we could do. And the least I could do for him, to let him move on, and the least he could do for me. And it worked. They say that NC will get your mind off of them, you`ll stop thinking of them and you`ll live your life the way you want. But I found that with NC I thought of them more. I always wanted to know what he was doing, who he was with, where he was. NC was just not for me. Once I knew what he was doing and realized he was moving on, it was easier for me. And it`ll be easier for you. You cant just hold on to him, no matter how much you love him. He cant possibly love you like you love him, or he wouldnt be putting you through this in the first place. My advice, after bunch of mumbled rambleing, is to take charge of your own life. To be your own person, with or without him. But if he hasnt made a move in your direction yet, he probably wont. And you need to move on, make new friends and meet new guys. And oneday somewhere down the line, you will meet someone who will make you just as happy if not more, than he did. And the new love of your life, will love you like you love him, and not put you through the same miserable misfortunes that your ex did. Just stay strong, and once you decide what to do, whether to move forward, dont go back. Dont fall for him again, it`ll only re open your wounds and cause you more pain. If you can let go of him, let go and move forward at full strength, and choosing to talk to him or not is up to you, whether you think you can handle the contact or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 9:54am
It you really want help and support you have to be willing to hear the truth. This man is abusive and he doesn't love you. I know that this is hard to hear, but if you think this is love you are mistaken. He's using you and emotionally damaging you. Why are you being emotionally held hostage by what HE wants? Who in the hell cares what this jerk wants, do you want this kind of relationship? You are better than this, but the other person who posted is right. You don't believe it yet. You need to do whatever it takes to break it off and by the way the moment you get strong he's going to come crawling back. That's just what happens, but you need to seek the life you deserve and make room for a man who will respect and love you completely. Yogagirl said that she believes you teach people how to treat you and I agree. You're vulnerable and scared and hurt and all those feelings are real, but you need to not give him so much power. The only way to reclaim that power is to end what is clearly an abusive relationship. EVERYONE deserves to be LOVED, RESPECTED and ADORED. Ask yourself does he make you feel any of that? If you have to post here everyday, if you have to go to counseling and talk to friends round the clock, then do whatever it takes to harness the strength to leave. Men like this exist because we allow them to and they would quickly become extinct if stopped tolerating this BS. You can do this and you know it because you're here asking for help. Inside there's a powerful, capable woman who wants out of this cycle and you just need to unleash her. We all go through periods of feeling unworthy, but don't let accept less. No one in life gets more from accepting less. Listen you survived a physical struggle and you made it. You can survive this too. We're here for you. Stay strong and take care of yourself.