I am breaking into pieces
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I am breaking into pieces
| Tue, 06-20-2006 - 1:54am |
I am so messed up right now, I am not even sure I can write clearly. My boyfriend and I who have been together for 5 years have broken up. Actually he ended us. We have been having a difficult time the past two months. He is 24 and I am a 23. After being together for five years we both knew we were at a cross road. For the past year we had talked about getting married. This spring we went and looked at rings, announced to friends and family we would be getting married, started making guest lists, and looking for places to hold a reception. When it came time to get the ring, he kept saying he didn't have the money. After a month of him saying he didn't have the money to get the ring, he finally told me that he just couldn't see himself purchasing the ring "right now", and that he needed some time. As much as it hurt to hear him say that, I didn't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me, I really thought maybe he got a little bit freaked out and that he just needed time. So for the past two months I've listening to him tell me he still didn't feel like the time was right but had no clue why he felt this way. This past weekend was his birthday, things were good, I planned a fun day for him, and we had a great time. He was a little distant towards me but his entire family also forgot it was his bday and I thought he might have been upset. Tonight when he called me he just told me that "it wasn't working out", that "he couldn't lead me on", and that "he still loves me and wants to be my friend". He told me he wants to marry me but it just can't be now. I am soo heart broken, he is everything I love. We have been best friends for so many years. I feel so depressed and I cannot control my sadness. I can't stop crying and thinking about all that we are losing. I am not a dumb girl, and I am sure everything he said prob. just means he can't be with me. I am just not ready to give him up. He is the best thing that ever came into my life, and has made me so happy for the past 5 years. He has loved me unconditionally and has always made me feel safe. I begged him to stay with me and he said he would but I am sure things can't be the same now. Do people really takes breaks from each other to realize they need to go back. We both live such crazy lives, I know he will fill his life up so much he will forget about me.
In search of some serious advice.
thequeenshopper
In search of some serious advice.
thequeenshopper

I hear you're in a lot of pain and rightfully so. But the answer to your question is, Yes, sometimes people do take a break and then end up together. I have a good friend who has been with her husband for nearly 12 years ... and they broke up about 9 months into their relationship. He said the relationship just wasn't working for him. They stayed in touch and he told her he had made a mistake 3-4 months later. They also broke up a few years into the marriage and got back together again. So people do break up and get back together again. He said he wanted to marry you but he's not ready to do it now. Have you asked him when he thinks he will be ready?
Maybe what you need to do is take some time out for yourself. I know it's going to hurt to be without him after you've been together for so long. But your life is not over. Resist the temptation to become a hysterical mess and beg him to change his mind. Give him some time and space. Tell him you love him and you're hurt but you understand if he needs time. Then give him time and space and take it for yourself too. Maybe he'll resolve the issues he's dealing with.
Sorry I can't be more encouraging.
When I read your post I seriously started crying because it is so much like my story.
My ex and I were together 4.5 years he's 22, I'm 21. He broke up with me 2 months ago because he felt like we were at the stage where we should be getting married, but he wasn't ready for that. He said he just didn't want to be in a relationship right now, needed to figure out what he wanted out of life, etc... He said he still loves me and that one day he might regret this decision, but that he needed to do this for himself.
At first, like you I tried to change his mind, convince him that we could make it work, etc. Then I just decided that I needed my time to figure out if I truly wanted this relationship also. We didn't talk at all for 4 weeks.
We started talking again 2 weeks ago. We are now talking about once a week. I have suggested that we get together as friends, but he says he needs more time (hhmm more time because he knows if we see each other he's going to want me back?).
Just take this time to yourself, figure out what you want, give him his space, but be there for him. Try and be his friend, but if that gets too hard, you may need to take some time of No contact like I did. Don't pressure him to try again in the relationship it will just make things worse. Know that if you and he are supposed to be together you will be. Cry - it releases stress. Think about all of the good memories, but don't dwell on them.
If you have anymore questions, just ask me and I'll try to help.
~Amber~
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this but you are not alone as you can tell from this board. At least your boyfriend took the time and actually broke up with you, my boyfriend stood me up last Friday and I haven't heard from him since. We have only been dating for 8 months and I also got the same story of "I Love You", "You are the one for me", "I really want us to work", blah blah blah, then all of sudden for the last month he became very distant and he didn't have a lot of interest in seeing me while I was putting in all the effort to see him. What I have been realizing after talking to some friends that know my ex that they think he was getting scared and wanted some time apart but didn't know how to tell me. I am giving him his time apart without any contact except I did text message him on Sunday to wish him Happy Father's Day. I thought about calling him and breaking it off but I would get his VM and that still wouldn't give me answers on why he has been treating me like this so NC is best for me and it sounds like it will be best for you. It is so hard but try to take time for yourself, hang out with friends, talk to family, and stay as far away from him as possible. The only way he is going to see what he is missing is for you to stay away from him. Honestly, I don't see my ex coming back to me anytime soon but I think that you and your ex have a lot of history together and space is probably the best for both of you. In the meantime, do move on with your life without him in it and I guarantee it will make you a stronger person and not give him the impression that you are co-dependent on him.
I am here for you and know the pain you are going through.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.. I came to this board in September when I lost the man I loved more than anything and it was a saving grace - I hope the girls on here can offer you the same comfort. I stop back from time to time just to see how everyone is doing and when I read your message, I knew I had to reply.
Without making my post 10 pages here I go: my boyfriend and I broke up last fall because he felt "things weren't working out" It totally caught me off guard and I was heartbroken.. To make the pain worse, I found out that he went back to his exgirlfriend. For a couple of months I was devestated, I had lost my best friend and the person I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I talked to him a few times because his ex had sent me a couple of texts being a total you know what and I had asked him to tell her to stop. Then we had a month and a a half with no contact at all.. Then out of the blue he called me one night and we talked until 3 in the morning.. the next day he texted me and that week we talked a few more times just as friends. He then asked me to come and see him - I didn't ask him, I waited for him to initiate us hanging out. I met him that Friday night and I will never forget the look he gave me when I walked in the door (it had been about 3 months at this point).. he ran up to me, hugged & kissed me - tears streaming down both our faces. We have been inseperable since and a proposal is in the future.
I learned through this awful time that what is meant to be, will be. Just give your man some time to work it out.. don't pressure him, give him the space he needs. I think the space really does work for some couples.. I know nothing that anyone says is going to make you feel better.. but it will all work out. If you need anything at all, even just someone to talk to.. please feel free to email me. Hang in there hun and I wish you the best of luck.
I am very happy to hear that you and your boyfriend got back together after being apart for 3 months and I wish you two the best. I am hoping that by giving my ex his time and space that he can figure out what is going on in his head and then give me some answers on why he treated me the way he had done. I guess if I don't get any calls, it just wasn't mean't to be but I am moving on with my life without him in it and telling myself that the chances of him calling are very slim. Sometimes the pain is unbearable and at times I feel like a part of me has died because I really thought this man was my soul mate but I can't be with someone right now who doesn't want to be with me. The only saving grace to all this is that all his friends and family think that I am great for him and I get along with his whole family and all his friends. I am hoping some of them will talk some sense into him while I give him his time and space.
Thanks for your support and it does help to hear from people who have gone through what I am going through now.