I am going to call her, ask her out

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
I am going to call her, ask her out
20
Wed, 01-16-2008 - 6:13pm
Ive got myself conviced I should call my ex (who broke it off with me after 5 years of dating) and ask her to get back together.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-16-2008 - 6:43pm

Seems to me there's a 3rd possible outcome--the same thing she's said before about "maybe".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Wed, 01-16-2008 - 7:07pm
yeah I was just thinking about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 01-16-2008 - 8:26pm

ross jack


I know I have posted to you before, but i just ended a 3 year relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Wed, 01-16-2008 - 11:07pm

The way I see it, two and a half months is nothing following the emotional involvement of a five-year relationship. It's been five months since the end of my two-year relationship, and it still hurts just as much as it did on day one, albeit in a very different way.

I don't think that calling her is a good idea at this point. As other people have said, she knows you want to get back together. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I don't think you should call...YET. People on this board will disagree with me for telling you to hold onto hope, but I think that if loving her means that much to you, you have to hold onto hope. "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best thing, and good things never die."

It sounds so cliche, but I think you need to focus on YOU for the time being. You're not ready to give it another go, and neither is she. (You're probably hating me right now because this is the kind of thing I can't stand when people say to me...I kind of feel like a hypocrite, but maybe the only way to really understand your own situation is to see someone else's.) Take time for yourself...exercise, see a therapist if you need it, go out with friends and force yourself to go through the motions of having a good time if you can't really have fun (I've been there, but sometimes the best thing to do it just grit your teeth and do it). If after several more months, or even a year, you still feel as strongly about her- which, reading your past posts, I think you will- you will be in a much better place to ask her for another chance. Waiting sucks, I know. But I really believe that she will look at your request in a different light if you're presenting it to her as a more self-assured person, because you will be that much more certain of the way you feel about her.

As others have posted, it's likely you'll only get one chance to make it work again, and it would be a shame to waste it when neither of you is currently in the right place for the relationship. And by calling now, you could be forcing her to say that she never sees a future for the two of you just so that you can move on. Don't force her to say something she doesn't mean, be it positive or negative.

Sorry for how long this post is. I've been contemplating the same thing in my own life and this conclusion is the result of a LOT of thinking. But I really do believe that if you truly do love her, the best thing to do is give her space. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," right, so if she really is "The One" then if you do get her back you'll really be sure of it. Hope everything works out for the best :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Wed, 01-16-2008 - 11:09pm
Rossjack, I've read your posts and I wanted to tell you that a friend of mine was in a very similar situation. He was with his gf for 4 years, living together, and very much in love. And then she left. He was heartbroken, confused, and pissed for some time. She didn't really allow him to move on, either, because she would sometimes tell him that she could see a future with him. The reason she said this, I believe, is that she knew in her heart that no one could treat her as well as he did or love her as much as he did. (I think most gals would think twice before leaving a guy like that, if it's a guy we have romantic feelings for.) The problem was that she just didn't love him enough, and she had to leave. I wanted to tell you this because my friend eventually moved on, and now he looks back and sees her in a different light. He just isn't in love with her like he once was. But it took time. Sheri is right, 2 and a half months is not enough time for you to grieve this. You need more distance from the situation, and only time can give you that. It's really frustrating because it still hurts ("I'm as heartbroken as ever") but please be patient with yourself. Letting go for real always seems to take longer than we want it to. Hugs to you.
Anne
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Thu, 01-17-2008 - 12:50am

Thanks, that is the some of the best advice I have heard since this happened (hopefully I can say that in the future).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Thu, 01-17-2008 - 8:43am

rossjack:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 01-17-2008 - 3:18pm

RJ-try to hold out and not call her. everyone is right in that it will be like starting the raw pain all over again. Again with the cliche, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. One thing that always strikes me as interesting is to see in posts, "everything was perfect and he/she was the "one" but they broke up with me." Well I hate to say it, but if it was the "one" then you would still be together. Why would you want to be with someone who rejected you or doubted you? And I hate to say this, but YOU wouldn't be the one to convince her that you were right for her, so by contacting her it will probably interrupt her feelings that she "might" be sorting out about you. But don't count on it.


I know it's a harsh reality to face, but I'm right there with you, and I remember at 2.5 months it seemed to be the hardest time for me. The holidays were agonizing but one day I just turned a corner. Not over it by any means, but I have much more clarity than I did even three weeks ago. I'm starting to feel the separation or attachment if you will. You have to WANT that to happen though...even though you don't know exactly how it's going to happen.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 01-17-2008 - 5:10pm

You have to give yourself time to get past the breakup of a five-year relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Thu, 01-17-2008 - 5:27pm
That was one of the things I did want to talk to her about...since our breakup came out of the blue (we hadn't fought in weeks/months -- though we did really rarely fight) when we broke up.

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