I am having a rough time
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I am having a rough time
| Fri, 08-06-2004 - 4:55pm |
My ex BF and I dated for 6 and 1/2 years and I thought he was the "one" and all of a sudden he told me one night while we were watching TV that he couldn't marry me. We have talked about marriage a little before hand and discussed about the possibility of getting engaged when he was finished with school. I fell really hard for him and he has been my entire world. I was completely devastated when he dropped the news to me. We started dating our senior year of high school and he broke up with me the first time 3/4 of the way into his Freshman year of college because he couldn't handle the pressure. I attempted to try and move on, but the feelings were still there. We tried dating other people for a while and eventually we gravatated back towards each other. The two of us became really close and it got harder and harder for me to leave him when I had to go back to college for the semester. I missed him a lot. Anyway....he broke up with me again for another reason and yet again I was really upset. I guess I am really forgiving or either a doormat because I took him back.
The most recent breakup is killing me. I am still very much in love with him and still want to be with him. I still have a feeling that we will end up back together. He says that he still wants to be friends with me, but at the same time it doesn't seem like he does. It has been since November of this year when he broke the bad news to me and since then he really hasn't cut the ties between us. He still calls me and I still see him and sometimes we are still intimate. It is so confusing because I care for him so much. He told me last week that he does still have feelings for me, but he is also interested in someone else possibly. Why do men have to be so confusing? He is aware of how I feel for him and I have even told him that I feel like he is just using me. I really don't want to loose him as a friend. I miss how he would make me laugh and feel good about myself. I am sorry for the length. Any help would be appreciated.
The most recent breakup is killing me. I am still very much in love with him and still want to be with him. I still have a feeling that we will end up back together. He says that he still wants to be friends with me, but at the same time it doesn't seem like he does. It has been since November of this year when he broke the bad news to me and since then he really hasn't cut the ties between us. He still calls me and I still see him and sometimes we are still intimate. It is so confusing because I care for him so much. He told me last week that he does still have feelings for me, but he is also interested in someone else possibly. Why do men have to be so confusing? He is aware of how I feel for him and I have even told him that I feel like he is just using me. I really don't want to loose him as a friend. I miss how he would make me laugh and feel good about myself. I am sorry for the length. Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks :)

1. Your bf wants to sleep with you and be friends but he doesnt want an exclusive relationship. He's using the "lets be friends ". Yeah, right. What he really means is "Let's still have sex and you still be there for me but I want to date and sleep with other girls too and this way you cant get mad because we are just friends anyway" He is stringing you alone, he wants you there for sex and companionship even though it hurts you. He knows it hurts you. He is using you as his backup plan....thats it. You may love him but I doubt he feels that for you.....
2. You say you miss the way you used to laugh together and how he made you feel good about yourself. I think that we women (me included) rely too much on our bf's too validate our sexiness, intelligence, lovability, desirablity, and self-worth. I know I did with my ex. Being with him made me feel all of those things.....but after I broke up with him (he is a real jerk who was using me), I realized that I missed feeling good about myself and not him just feeling good. I had become dependant on him to make me feel good.......that was 2 and 1/2 weeks ago that I dumped him. Ever since I have been redefining my life. I see that I had made him my world and I had let him be the key to my happiness even though he treated me badly and didnt make me happy........the point is, you have to make yourself happy. You cant wait or , expect to or depend on anyone to do that.....what are some of your hobbies? Do you love too cook or play tennis...or maybe you like to read romance novels or grow flowers...maybe you dont do those things since you were with your bf as much......or if you do and they make you hapy, do them more now. You need to go shopping....indulge in some ice cream...anything that makes you feel good! You dont need your ex BF to do that.......you never did and you will soon find that out.
3. Dont let your ex use you and feed you "maybes' and "I'm confused"....all that means is he just wants you there to sleep with when his other gf's dont work out. Guys can be very jerky........and you have allowed him to get a grip in you and your emotions.....dont let him do that anymore. 6 years is long time , I know it hurts.........and it will, for a while........but you need to accept the fact that its over,.cause it is. If you dont, you will allow him to use you. Secondly, stop being intimate with him....you may think that it wil bring you closer to him or helphim "make up his mind" but it wont, you will just feel used and sad. Also, why should he be exclusive with you i he is already getting sex and a good friends the way thinsg are now......he is having his cake and eating it too....and this new girl, if they are being sexual, he might give you and STd. Seriously there is so much at stake here.....your heart, your health, your well being.......your life. While you are at home crying and being depressed, he is out there having fun with other women while you wait for him.........the truth is you will be miserable if you allow him to use you like he is........that may be a bit harsh but it is true, i let my ex use me and treat me like sh*t for so long...it was only when i broke up did I realize how awful he made me feel...and how happy i was alone.......not syaing if a great guy didnt coem today, iowuldnt get him but i was happier alone than i was with my ex....i gave and gave and he didnt give back. i felt so empty.....life is hsort and you shoudl spend as much of it as you can smiling and doing things you love........your ex is. your ex isnt confusing, he is just trying to lead you on......my advice: put an end to the free sex and being friends.........maybe you two can be friends later when you have healed some.......but maybe you shouldnt have any contact with him for a while also.....I know you want to be friends but if it hurts too much ebing just friends or in your case friends with benefits......you shoudl stop. you wil continue to feel used and he will continue to use you because YOU ARE LETTING HIM. Thats the scary part....i let my ex trat me like sh*t.........so he did. I'm still healing.....its hard losing someone who has been in your life for a long time but it happens.......lastly dont sit around waiting for him, he isnt waiting for you, we both know that he is out living and with his new girl........but he takes comfort in the fact that you arent. Please...........try to be strong and accept things as they are. Moving on is tough..........so do what you need to do.....just dont let him use you anymore. You're a great girl......if he doesnt see that , then its his loss! We are all here for you always....
No one can use you without your permission. You are aware that he will continue to sleep with you as long as you allow it. He's not going to turn down sex with you and he's not going to stop coming around for an occassional get together until you set a boundary. Friends with benefits is how he sees it, how you see it is completely different. For you being with him, around him, sleeping with him, feeds the desire to be with him, gives you false hope that he may change his mind and want to be with you again exclusively. It's not necessarily so. You can't love him enough, be good enough, be sexy enough, be everything you think he wants you to be to win him. Those feelings have to come from within him. He will take what you offer and not give you what you want in return. For your own self-preservation and healing you will have to be the one to set some boundaries and take time for your healing.
Carrie
I know I shouldn't let him use me and that I should be strong and stick up for myself. I just can't help feeling still attracted to him. And it doesn't help that he leads me on and you're right I feel like everything is on his terms. But I do appreciate the advice.
I just fell so hard for him and I still think I want him and I am wondering when this feeling will ever pass. It was my first serious relationship that I was in so I guess you guys can imagine why I still have all these feelings.