I am losing it-long sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
I am losing it-long sorry
16
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 6:58pm
Okay, Ladies I have come to depend on you all for sound advice. I just really need to vent right now and my friends I know are tired of hearing about it because all they do is tell me what a jerk my ex is. Okay, it had been a year since we broke up so to speak, but he would continue to call me every week or so, we would chat online. I asked him if he was seeing someone serious- he was like no. Then in Oct. I find out he had been with this girl since we broke up (I guess that is why he didn't see "any potential in our relationship" even though he insisted that there was no one else. (he also had his divorce finalized around a year ago, I thought he just wanted some freedom, and would come back etc) Our conversations were always sexual, and he would tell me he missed me etc. How he kept putting in for jobs up where i live. Maybe it is just me but I thought if he felt like I was just his friend, he wouldn't be telling me how he wanted to do things with me (don't want to get explict but you get the drift) I felt like (I guess because I twisted things up in my mind) that we were working on getting back together due to the conversations we had.
Okay Oct 2006, his girlfriend calls me (that is how I found out) and we get into etc. My ex, is like don't call me again- fine whatever. Then he continues to call me and accepts my calls when I do call him. No big deal. In dec. he flies me down to see him at a conference, of course I go because I am a freaking idiot. After we leave and go back to our home states. I call him and he freaks out, please don't call me he says, I don't want any drama I am not even supposed to be talking to you. I want to talk to you, but let me call you or call me at work. If his girlfriend saw it she would freak out he says.
Okay fine. F you, I will call you whenever I feel like it. I am crushed and tell him that it is I don't want to talk to you unless I can call you with no problem and not hide it, if that can't happen don't call me. I am done. Then he calls me on Christmas and New years day. He tells me he had to go to some friends funeral from college on New Years eve, but I find out (dont ask how) that his girlfriends grandmother died and that is the funeral he went to. WHY WHY lie about something like that, why even bring it up.
Then in a pathetic attempt to hurt myself emotionally, I emailed him and asked him to please tell me how much he loved her, and how he didn't care about me. Please I asked him tell me you don't care about me anymore. No reply. I would ask him do you love her, does she make you happy? He would always say I don't know.
So I look on her myspace, and there are all these happy pics of them, it makes me sick in my stomach. Now I want to email him and be like screw you I hate you, etc. (I am sure I already appear somewhat crazy to him really I have no pride left) And just confess to everything tell his ex, tell her all of them he cheats with me (because I let him) that way I can burn any freaking bridge there is left and never have to wonder if he might have come back to me, if he still cares. just destroy everything and walk away. I mean I dont have anything to lose. do I? i have no shame, self respect, or pride left in me. I am a pathetic pathetic soul, embarrassed and ashamed.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:07pm

Well, I am unfortunately new here so not sure what else you have been here to talk about ie if it's related to your prior post, etc.

I understand EXACTLY where you're coming from. My ex and I split up over last Friday PM/Saturday AM.

One minute, I want to be completely understanding for his 'reasons' ie time space break, focus on me, bla bla bla but then I see he has changed his myspace from In a Rship and there for Netwking and Friends to Single and Dating, Networking, Friends.

Bastard! That makes me want to turn into the psychowoman and be like SCREW YOU!!!!!

I think working out is helping as long as keeping busy.

The important thing for all of us to remember is as long as we hold on to our feelings about these breakups, we will never see what opportunities arise in front of us.

I have never tried so hard to be loving and giving in a relationship and all I got for it was a slap in the face. Why is it that when you're an absolute b****, they fall all over themselves but as soon as you settle in and want to show a guy how much you care, they can't handle it? Does that every happen to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:11pm
It happens everytime, I am always the girl before the person they settle down with. I am just so hurt. I can't believe I was stupid enough to think that he cared about me even as a friend, I am sorry for your hurting heart, I wish I had words of wisdom but I don't. I am on the verge of being psycho
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:20pm

WOW...what a new year for you...anyways why dont you stand for yourself...email her and tell her to talk to your exbf to stop calling and bothering you etc...like you mention she have a myspace account...so leave her a message there...

maybe she doesnt know that your exbf still contact you...GOOD LUCK

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:28pm

Oh, I've been there--feeling like I have no pride left so I may as well call him *again*. It's a terrible, terrible place to be.

So--do you want to change so you don't have to be in that place any more? It *is* possible. It will take hard work with a good therapist and it won't happen overnight, but it's definitely possible.

I just read a really good book called "Obsessive Love" by Susan Forward. I recognize my behavior from the past in it and I'm glad to say I've made great progress in changing it but I still do have twinges of that old behavior from time to time so it was a good reminder for me. I'd highly recommend it--it has great suggestions for how to move past an obsession. You also might try posting on the Co-dependents and Love Addicts board here on Ivillage.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:38pm

It's OK bad driver. I think I need to go make some new friends. Now that I have been out of school I find that it is more difficult to find ppl to hang with. I am on MySpace but I feel weird emailing some chicks and being like uh hi want to be friends. Everyone I work with is older than me, married, kids, or divorced, etc. I don't have anything against them but I like to keep work related stuff work related you know?

Hang in there. I feel a bachelorette rampage coming on........

Do you work out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:33pm

The short version, he's a jerk.

The longer version:

You wanted him to want you, to be with you and be everything you'd hoped it would be. He lied about being involved someone else, but that only reflects on his character or lack thereof - he's a liar, cheat, wants his cake, needs his ego stroked by a few women at a time, feels justified in leading both of you on, feels justified in what he's done. He likes the attention, flirting sexually, hooking up with you.

Because you wanted more, you were willing to settle for less 'in hopes' that he would change and step up to the plate. He didn't.

:: Now I want to email him and be like screw you I hate you, etc. (I am sure I already appear somewhat crazy to him really I have no pride left) And just confess to everything tell his ex, tell her all of them he cheats with me (because I let him) that way I can burn any freaking bridge there is left and never have to wonder if he might have come back to me, if he still cares. just destroy everything and walk away. I mean I dont have anything to lose. do I? i have no shame, self respect, or pride left in me. I am a pathetic pathetic soul, embarrassed and ashamed.

Yes, you have more to lose. Don't email him. Block everything from him. Set boundaries for yourself. He's not going to do what you want just because you want him to. He's going to squirm, lie and make up more stuff.

Start journal writing. Vent on paper. Write him UNSENT letters, burn them after you write them. Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been. It takes time.

Sheri gave you some good recommendations (book and codependent board) I hope you take her advice.

My best to you on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:49pm
Thank you, I know you are right. I know he is a jerk. I keep thinking, girl you know better than this, this is not who you are. I have looked for the books that have been recommended, and found some similar ones at the library- but will go to the bookstore when I have some extra money to find the ones that Sheri recommended, as well others. I guess it is a step in the right direction, can't get much worse huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:54pm
Thank you for the recommendation, stupid me in denial didn't realize that I had let this evolve into something so out of control. I am obsessed, how sick and psycho is that? I was unable to find the book in my library but plan to purchase it soon (or just go sit in the bookstore and read it little by little). I appreciate that you don't judge, your and others kindess really means so much to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 5:47pm
itwinflame,
I know I need to set boundaries, but my mind is so jumbled that really I don't see what I have to lose. Can you please point that out to me- I know I am desperate and pathetic, but I promise I am not always like this. I am raising two kids on my own, working on my second degree- I am just ahhhhhhhhh is the best way to describe it, I just feel like I need to take drastic measures (not that I will- I would rather vent to you all) to cut off all ties with this man. We were together for almost five years, and right now I am having a hard time separating my head and my heart. I know I don't want him back- it just the whole ego I guess. Anyways thanks for listening, I know there are times when people wonder if they have helped anyone and I want to let you all know that you have helped and are helping me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 5:59pm

How much emotional pain can you stand?

What you have to lose:

-- The example you set for your children.

-- More of your self-worth and self-esteem, especially after you get through this, look back and are more upset with yourself than you are now (though you think that isn't possible right now).

-- You contact him and say what you want to say, you give him PERMISSION to do the same thing to you.

-- You run the risk of her or him filing a restraining order against you.

You are angry and hurt and I don't blame you, yet you have to get control of yourself, be there for yourself. Talk yourself out of the destructive choices. Focus on something beside him and what he's done.

I hope you can see your way clear to do better for you. Because you DESERVE IT.

You are NOT LESS THAN because of his actions, choices, words, decisions, behavior. Don't let him bring you down to his level. Rise above it.


Carrie

Pages