I am losing it-long sorry
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I am losing it-long sorry
| Wed, 01-03-2007 - 6:58pm |
Okay, Ladies I have come to depend on you all for sound advice. I just really need to vent right now and my friends I know are tired of hearing about it because all they do is tell me what a jerk my ex is. Okay, it had been a year since we broke up so to speak, but he would continue to call me every week or so, we would chat online. I asked him if he was seeing someone serious- he was like no. Then in Oct. I find out he had been with this girl since we broke up (I guess that is why he didn't see "any potential in our relationship" even though he insisted that there was no one else. (he also had his divorce finalized around a year ago, I thought he just wanted some freedom, and would come back etc) Our conversations were always sexual, and he would tell me he missed me etc. How he kept putting in for jobs up where i live. Maybe it is just me but I thought if he felt like I was just his friend, he wouldn't be telling me how he wanted to do things with me (don't want to get explict but you get the drift) I felt like (I guess because I twisted things up in my mind) that we were working on getting back together due to the conversations we had.
Okay Oct 2006, his girlfriend calls me (that is how I found out) and we get into etc. My ex, is like don't call me again- fine whatever. Then he continues to call me and accepts my calls when I do call him. No big deal. In dec. he flies me down to see him at a conference, of course I go because I am a freaking idiot. After we leave and go back to our home states. I call him and he freaks out, please don't call me he says, I don't want any drama I am not even supposed to be talking to you. I want to talk to you, but let me call you or call me at work. If his girlfriend saw it she would freak out he says.
Okay fine. F you, I will call you whenever I feel like it. I am crushed and tell him that it is I don't want to talk to you unless I can call you with no problem and not hide it, if that can't happen don't call me. I am done. Then he calls me on Christmas and New years day. He tells me he had to go to some friends funeral from college on New Years eve, but I find out (dont ask how) that his girlfriends grandmother died and that is the funeral he went to. WHY WHY lie about something like that, why even bring it up.
Then in a pathetic attempt to hurt myself emotionally, I emailed him and asked him to please tell me how much he loved her, and how he didn't care about me. Please I asked him tell me you don't care about me anymore. No reply. I would ask him do you love her, does she make you happy? He would always say I don't know.
So I look on her myspace, and there are all these happy pics of them, it makes me sick in my stomach. Now I want to email him and be like screw you I hate you, etc. (I am sure I already appear somewhat crazy to him really I have no pride left) And just confess to everything tell his ex, tell her all of them he cheats with me (because I let him) that way I can burn any freaking bridge there is left and never have to wonder if he might have come back to me, if he still cares. just destroy everything and walk away. I mean I dont have anything to lose. do I? i have no shame, self respect, or pride left in me. I am a pathetic pathetic soul, embarrassed and ashamed.
Okay Oct 2006, his girlfriend calls me (that is how I found out) and we get into etc. My ex, is like don't call me again- fine whatever. Then he continues to call me and accepts my calls when I do call him. No big deal. In dec. he flies me down to see him at a conference, of course I go because I am a freaking idiot. After we leave and go back to our home states. I call him and he freaks out, please don't call me he says, I don't want any drama I am not even supposed to be talking to you. I want to talk to you, but let me call you or call me at work. If his girlfriend saw it she would freak out he says.
Okay fine. F you, I will call you whenever I feel like it. I am crushed and tell him that it is I don't want to talk to you unless I can call you with no problem and not hide it, if that can't happen don't call me. I am done. Then he calls me on Christmas and New years day. He tells me he had to go to some friends funeral from college on New Years eve, but I find out (dont ask how) that his girlfriends grandmother died and that is the funeral he went to. WHY WHY lie about something like that, why even bring it up.
Then in a pathetic attempt to hurt myself emotionally, I emailed him and asked him to please tell me how much he loved her, and how he didn't care about me. Please I asked him tell me you don't care about me anymore. No reply. I would ask him do you love her, does she make you happy? He would always say I don't know.
So I look on her myspace, and there are all these happy pics of them, it makes me sick in my stomach. Now I want to email him and be like screw you I hate you, etc. (I am sure I already appear somewhat crazy to him really I have no pride left) And just confess to everything tell his ex, tell her all of them he cheats with me (because I let him) that way I can burn any freaking bridge there is left and never have to wonder if he might have come back to me, if he still cares. just destroy everything and walk away. I mean I dont have anything to lose. do I? i have no shame, self respect, or pride left in me. I am a pathetic pathetic soul, embarrassed and ashamed.

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Ok, rule number one here:
I agree with Sandra--knock it off with calling yourself names and bad things!! I doubt that many of us have gotten through life without being obsessed with someone or something at *some* point--so don't bash yourself, ok? Deal with the reality, take steps to address it and fix it, and move on.
I had to get the book through interlibrary loan from my library so you might try that. And if you're not able to afford invididual therapy right now, 12 step meetings would be a good start (such as CODA or Sex and Love Addicts).
And I agree with the thought that if you're unable to love yourself enough at the moment to make that a reason to stop, then use your kids as the reason. They need their mom to be a good model of self-respect and self-esteem, it has such a huge impact on kids. My mom, bless her heart, wasn't, and while I love her and forgave her long ago, it definitely contributed to my issues on those areas.
Sheri
He is not worth it.
You are giving him too much power and feeding his ego. Start feeding your own ego. From the sound of it you are a hard working fabulous chick. School & kids?? That's quite a load! Keep working on yourself and setting the example for your children. They know Mom deserves better and will be really strong in their own relationships if they see that YOU BELIEVE IT & LIVE IT!!
Hi. I'm joining the discussion a little late, and haven't read every response, so I apologize if I repeat anyone. I totally you how you feel. I was wondering if you read "The Breakup Ground Rules" in the Singles and Dating section here? They are so right on. You really can't talk to an ex, or email them, and you really can't be their friend either. Not if you still have feelings for them. And when they call to see how you are, they are just "seeing" if you still want them, that's all. It's an ego thing like the rules said. My friend in NYC actually got the book that the article is from and said it was great. She said there's a part that talks about sending an ex a letter and says that doing that is like handing a guy your pride. So true! I will never do that again. I remember sending an ex an email just saying that I missed him (nothing weepy or angry) and he replied with a "Thanks" and a smiley face. A smiley face?! Learned my lesson from that one.
You sound like an great person who gives a lot to others, especially being a mom and a nurse (soon). You deserve so much better than how he treated you and all the drama he created. Forget him. He doesn't deserve you.
I hope that the new year will bring you some peace...and a hot new guy who will treat you right!
BUT--- are you sitting down--- I peed on his toothbrush then a few days later watched him use it. I know it's gross but I was real mad. I do feel bad now but I figure if he used toothpaste then it'd be disinfected anyhow right? HEE HEE
THe more I think about it the more angry I get, how could I have been so blinded. I knew he wasn't good but he made me feel so beautiful and wanted, I had never felt that way before. But at the same time, I knew it wouldn't work deep down. There was always this uncomfortable wall I couldn't get around. I know you all wouldn't believe it but I am a really funny person, and never once in the four years we were together could I get up the courage to tell a story around him for fear that he would say that was stupid, or look at me like I was an idiot. I was afraid to fart or burp in front of him after 4 years, how crazy is that. I don't need to be with someone like that. No matter how much he says he cares(maybe he does) I want to believe him and think that we could have this great friendship but I know that will never happen, I mean if I was afraid to call him when I was sad and depressed while we were together, I couldn't very well call him after we broke up. I don't think he would be there for me like he says he would, well maybe if it didn't interfere with his life he might be and well that isn't really someone who cares right?
thanks again- I am still fighting everyday to rise above.
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