I am mad....
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| Sat, 10-21-2006 - 3:31pm |
I am so mad I could burst. Its been a long time since we have talked, thats fine... but I seem to hurt MORE and MORE as time passes. I don't understand.
I am mad he broke my heart
I am mad he made SO many promises that he just ended up breaking
I am mad I ended up trusting him
I am mad that I will probably never let myself trust another man again
I am mad that he would always talk about our future... right up to the day before he broke up with me
I am mad that he doesn't see the fantastic person I am
I am mad that I can't stop crying
I am mad that he is doing just fine in his life without me
I am mad that I can't seem to function without him
I am mad that I feel like half the person I was before
I am mad that he ruined everything
I am sorry... I had to let it out... I am so upset. Would have thought things would get better five weeks out? Guess not.

It'll all get better the minute you stop focusing on HIM and when you swtich the focus to YOU. All this time you've been wondering why he broke it up, why it didn't wotk out, why you feel like half a person, why is he happy and you're sad and lost. Why, why, why.... The questions don't have an answer. They're out of your control so drop them.
The man is gone, the relationship is over. You're one and complete even without him. He's a good man, BUT it didn't work out. You're a fantastic person, but not to him. You're a fantastic person to yourself. There will be a man who WILL find you fantastic and who will want to be with you.
First off, take care of you. Stop thinking in what he's doing or not. Let him be and focus on your life.
It sounds like you're in the anger stage. Have you read anything about the stages of grief? If you have, then hopefully what you're feeling now will make more sense. I know in my last breakup, I was SO angry at him it was almost debilitating (my ex disappeared on me without a word after 18 months). But eventually it passed and I was able to reach acceptance. I was also able to forgive myself for the mistakes I made and for continuing a relationship I should have ended much sooner.
Allow yourself to feel the anger but recognize that you do NOT need to act on it. I found journaling helped a lot as did venting to my counselor and my friends.
As far as the timeline...I've found in most of my breakups that it almost always gets worse before it gets better...but it DOES get better. Remember that phrase, "it's always darkest before the dawn"? I've found that to be true in breakups...so hang in there. You'll make it through.
Sheri
Rest assured, you are not alone in the healing process and we all have been there.
You're on the emotional roller coaster and you won't want to get off until you're ready. As a previous poster mentioned the 5 stages of loss... you should fimilarize yourself with them if you haven't done so already.
The best piece of advice, focus on yourself & what you can do to make yourself better. Occupy your time and regain your independence!
Why waste your time with someone who doesn't appreciate the person you are? just know that if he was the right person for you, then you wouldn't feel the way you do now. In life, we all get let down but it's what we do afterwards that makes us stronger people. It's not how many times we fall down that counts, it's how many times we'll get back up!
Take it as an oppertunity to get to know yourself better, build on your strengths & weaknesses, and after time, love will find it's way back into your heart.
I'll join you in the angry department. I'm in the same boat. Two weeks ago my ex essentially dumped me for another woman. One day he loved me - the next, he's gone. Sometimes I wish I had a punching bag with his face on it... I think we have a right to be mad when someone we loved and trusted betrays us. It hurts and it stinks that they're going on with their life without the least care in the world. It's called selfishness - and you know what... we deserve better.
It's easy for some of you to say "Don't waste another minute on him" until it happens to you... Then, you find yourself wide awake at 2am cursing his name and wondering how you allowed yourself to put up with his BS for so long.
I haven't given up on men but I'm definitely in an Alanis Moriset phase... A notch better than depression. (?)
Best Wishes
J