I am shocked & hurt & angry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
I am shocked & hurt & angry
7
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:04pm

Hi Everyone-

I am new to this board. I have been dating someone for almost 2 years. I know he purchased an engagement ring awhile ago. Well we had some problems -him not communicating, not willing to go anywhere overnight w/ me(because of his Mom, he's 42),
telling him he has to go to counseling to grow up before we get married, and then I went through a huge depression(not over him).
Well he NEVER communicated any issues w/me or my actions. I was completely open. I am the type of person who will be angry one day, then the next I just let it go.
He always told me how much he loved me, etc. His cousin offered to help me with a legal issue, so my BF told him all about it & it took the cousin about 10 minutes to write. But
I needed it ASAP, and BF knew this.
Last Sunday, everything was fine, but no paperwork, which angered me as he has already chosen to take care of the cousin's children on a Saturday night, than be with me. It was not a huge thing for this attorney to do. SO on Monday I was so angry, I called him at work & we had a fight.
On Thursday he writes me weird emails. SO I called him at work. He stated he cannot be in a relationship, he is afraid, thought about our bad times, he thinks he can read my mind, (ie-He did not take a job before I even knew him, he wanted it but his mom did not want him to travel, so he did not take it)he feels I am mad about that????
HE broke up w/ me over the phone. I was shocked. He states he still wants to talk. I told him after our time together he should have the decency to tell me in person. He states he feels like staying in his room for 3 months.Oh, and of course he still loves me.
I think he may have someone else.
I am mad, upset, hurt, feel disrespected, etc.
Any opinions? Should I talk to him?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:58pm

Don't you see anything wrong with a 42-year oldf man who still lets his mom control his life? He didn't take a job because his mom didn't want him traveling and he doesn't want to go places overnite with you because of the same reason....It appears that he's not mature to take responsabilities or any desicions on his own. He said "he feels like staying in his room for 3 months" after he broke up with you. This is NOT a normal person. You on the other hand appear to be dominating and having anger issues. You told him that "he had to go to therapy to grow up before you get married" and you were angered over something you couldn't control, the attorney issue. You both have issues that are really deep. Perhaps, this is why your BF decided to break it off. It's possible that he has enough with his mom's demands to put up with yours.

I'd just let go of him and getb into some intensive therapy myself. Why would you want to invoilve yourself with a man with such issues?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 8:41am

Hi-
I am in therapy. I am not dominating-he had stated he had some non-nengotiables for his GF/wife, and since I realized there were some major issues in his life, I stated, I have one non negiatiable-his going to therapy. I advised therapy for himself. I felt he needs to be more secure & lead his own life. I realize I am not a Psychologist, but realized he had his "own" issues, not related to me.
I appreciate your view on the attorney situation. You are right, I had no control, so why get angry. Thanks.
I felt what angered me was he allows his extended family to use him. I do not like anyone being used. But, it is his issue not mine.

Thanks for your opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 1:05pm

Over the past couple of years or so, I have been starting to figure out that there are some people that are destined to be alone. I know many guys in their 30s, who have avoided intimacy, responsibility, companionship..etc for YEARS and the more time that has passed, the more they are incapable of breaking the habit. Your Ex sounds like one. For whatever reason, whether it be their childhood or past setbacks, some people are just not capable of being apart of a couple. I think you need to figure out whether it is worth anymore of your time to see if this guy can change.

-adc

-almostdoesntcount

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 11:41pm
I'm not really sure what happened in this relationship...I can't even make any guesses as to what is going through his mind but if I were you I would NOT talk to him anymore....it will only make the pain that more hurtful.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 8:31am

Thanks ADC-

I believe you are correct about certain people not being able to commit. This guy has only had 4, yes four, dating situations in his entire grown up life. One of them was incuded him dating a girl whom had a boyfriend, so he could only see her during the week.

This was in one of his last emails-" I think everyone would be better off if they did not associate w/me. Everyone has been right all along. I am a Loser w/ a capital L".

Why did he buy a very big engagement ring?

I appreciate everyone's support & input.

C318

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 9:30am

Hi Charmed,
Maybe his Mom told him to buy the engagment ring. Ok all jokes aside. My ex is 47 and his Mom dominates his life, and she has created the monster that he is. I do agree with the other posts, and some guys will just NEVER be able to be part of a couple. My ex has only had 3 steady gf's in his life, never married any of us either. His mother owns the house he lives in, and even in the "good old days" when i would try and do anything with his place, she would overpower me and take charge and hire outside help just so I didn't do it for him. His mother is slightly twisted in the sense that she seemed to be jelaous of me. She eventually created a big messy fight by lying to my ex and telling him I said something that I did NOT. That almost drove me out of my mind. It's hard to tell any-one, that their mother is LUNAR!!! I am a mother, and I might not like the person my kids are dating, but do I have to?? No, as long as they treat them well and don't hurt them.
This guy has BIG issues and your right to try and get him into therapy. Is he an only child?? or the oldest?? This is sad indeed that his mother has this much control over what he does but I can relate to your story. Someday his mother will be gone, and he will be on his own. She is selfish to control this grown man.
He probably bought the big ring because he does love you and he wants to marry you, but what about MOM?? I think this guy is getting presssure from both ends. He is listening to you trying to keep you happy, he is being nagged by his mother at the same time and I think he finally just got fed up threw his hands in the air and said, F it, I am going to go to my room now. See you all at Thanksgiving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 10:54am

Hi BunnyB-

Here is this guy's background-only child, never lived away from home, even during college, Italian, Catholic, has 2 male cousins same age whom he worships, nice & honest(or so I thought). He states his Mother wants him to get married, as she does not want him be alone when she dies. When he told her he broke up w/me on the phone, she told him that was wrong(HIs statement)
I am an only child as well. However, I went away & lived in a dorm at College, I lived on my own afterwards, alone & with roomates. I am half Italian, Catholic(but do not go to Mass), but my Mom does not dictate what I do.
There are so many MEAN things I want to say to him. As far as I am concerned he lead me on,
lied, maybe cheated, was not respectful, and now is making himself the victim.
Should I let it all out, or just write him off?? WE have things to exchange, but he can put my things on the porch. Actually I feel like giving him all of the things he bought me which I never used. And now that I think of it....he bought all of my Christmas presents VERY close to Christmas. And he bought me diamond earrings for Valentine's day, but I did not like the posts, so he exchanged them and gave them to me for my birthday. He stated that they wer exactly like my ring...but I thought they were "flat", so I did not want him to get ripped off. He said he would take me to pick out my own, my BD was in March.
I know I am going on & on. I apologize for this rant.

c318