I am so miserable

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
I am so miserable
4
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 4:01pm
I have been dating this guy for a little over a year. Against my better judgement, I let him move in after only 7 months because he was there all the time anyway. The day he moved in I started getting anxiety and thinking it was a bad idea, but at that point, he was in the moving truck so what could I do? Anyway, I have been so unhappy ever since. He lies to me constantly, drinks all the time, his finances are a disaster - he now has no car and I have been driving him to work every day for 6 months and it has killed our relationship. His friends, who are all singe, always come first and it seems like all we do is fight. Anyway, I recently tried to make a good/bad list. The only thing I could think of was that he is good to my two dogs. Not to me, but to them....

So I need to kick him out, but I just don't know how to do it. Last night when he called me trashed and was screaming at me because I wouldn't drive over and hour to pick him up, I told him that he needs to move out. The problem is, since he can't afford a car and his credit is a disaster, how the heck can I get him out of my place?? And how am I going to stand my ground and make sure he gets out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 4:17pm
Hi,

If he doesn't move out after you told him to, have him removed. I understand that you might feel bad as he has no car and his credit is a disaster but that is his problem, don't make it yours. You did a nice thing by him letting him move in and driving him to work but he's not your responsibility. This same thing happened to my sister and the jerk she was living with didn't want to move saying he had nowhere to go... well, it was not her problem. You can't worry about how he's going to make out. It's not like he was good to you. Back to my sister, she called her local police department and asked for advise on how to get him out. They came over to her house and requested he leave now. You may need to show them in some way that he isn't on the lease/mortgage or whatever to indicate he has no rights. Good luck. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 12:03am
Welcome to the board!! He does sound like a nightmare!!! First make a list of all the reasons you want him out of your house. Then when you're both in a calm mood....sit him down and tell him that you aren't happy and this isn't working and you want him to move out...maybe he can move in with a friend until he gets a place. If he still doesn't leave, give him a deadline and then if he doesn't leave by the deadline have the police escort him out and change the locks ASAP. If during all this you second guess yourself look over that list of reasons again and you'll quickly be back on task. I know this is tough but you'll be much happier in the long run. Good luck and keep us posted!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 10:24am
Well I did it, last night I went out to dinner with one of my girlfriends and talked it over with her about what i would do to help me get through this, then i went home and calmly talked to him while he was sober and I still was standing strong. When I repeated that it would be a good idea that he leave and all, his response was that I don't care about him since I am kicking him out. I calmly explained to him that we are both making each other miserable and I let him know the problems I see in our relationship. He sounded amazed that I am so unhappy and told me that he thought we had a great relationship. I don't know where he's been, but obviously he thinks that the way he treats me is great and that it is fine that I have been miserable. Oh and I forgot to mention yesterday, but we basically have no sex life. I can count on my two hands how many times we have had sex in the 14 months that we have been dating. And it is only when he wants is and not in a romantic way at all. So I mentioned this to him and he said that he is sure we have a great sex life and that we have sex all the time (to me that makes it seem like he is having sex with someone else because I know how much I have sex and it isn't that often) Then he said that the reason things are like this is because of me and that I nag him about stuff like throwing away chewed gum (he leaves it everywhere and it is nicoteen gum and I am terrified my dogs with get into it)and his drinking.

Anyway, when I told him that I am at a point in my life where I am ready to settle down and have a family and it seems to me that he is still in the partying phase of his life, he didn't disagree.

Then he tells me that we can fix all our problems real easily with him getting a car (he has been saying that for 8 months now) and he will make an effort to quit drinking (again something that he had promised but never done)

I told him that he is a great guy with a lot of potential if he could just deal with his problems, but by him living with me and relying on me for everything, he is never going to fix his issues.

He then told me all of my faults, most of which I agree with (I am ocd about cleanliness and organization in my house) but other than that, he really had nothing. Other than the fact that I let a lot of little things bother me. But I just keep thinking, if there wasn't the big underlying things, would the little things really bother me so much?

He asked this morning for 30 days to find a new place. Am I being too generous?

I am doing the right thing right?

Are there any nice guys left out there who are on the same page as me?


Edited 10/29/2004 10:35 am ET ET by dphiegirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 11:29pm
(((Hugs))) I know this wasn't easy for you but you did it and you should really be proud of yourself!! You will be sooo much happier when it's all said and done. It doesn't suprise me that he was happy in the relationship....he was getting everything his way. I don't think the 30 days is so bad as long as you can tolerate him that long. Good luck and keep us posted!!
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