Sweetie snap out of it!!!! Picking up the tab for him ? Being his sex object? What are you getting out of this except more hurt. It is possible this is not you at all, if fact it;s likely not you, it's him. He doesn't love himself let alone anyone else. Get you things and GO HOME.... and stay there.... let him see what life is like without you, either he will get his act together or find another sucker.... get the life you deserve......
I don't mean to be harsh, I have been there, but in reality you are damaging your self worth and esteem even more every minute you enable him. I know it hurts... hurts like hell. But let me tell you something, self esteem feels great and you will start rebuilding yours the second you leave his partment... trust me.
Thank you for replying. I know all the points you've made--I agree with you totally, but I am so afraid to leave, and I am even more terrified of him being with someone else after I leave. I don't really respect him as a person, yet I feel deeply in love with him. Is this even possible to feel at the same time? Do you think I'm actually not in love with him at all and just completely codependent?
I am a different person with everyone else in my life--I'm strong, outgoing, ambitious, and funny. Nothing nor no one else can shake me. It is only him! I could never understand the ludicrous amount of tolerance I have with him. I work 10-11 hour days, and when I get home, he is still lying on the sofa where he was when I left at 6am, and can't even manage to take the garbage out or change the used toilet paper roll. I would never put up with this from anyone else. Why can't I let go?
I'm going to quote something out of the Four Agreements that's rather interesting.
"In your whole life, nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.
If you abuse yourself very badly, you can even tolerate someone who beats you up, humiliates you, and treats you like dirt. Why? Because in your belief system you say, "I deserve it. This person is doing me a favor by being with me. I'm not worthy of love and respect. I'm not good enough."
It amazes me sometimes how many people come on this board to say they know what they 'should' be doing..but 'can't'. And I can assure you that nothing is out of reach for those who want to do it. You're in a limbo of your own doing and unfortunately nobody can pluck you out of your situation, brush you off, and send you to some happily ever after land.
Do you respect him as a person? Probably. You despise him and the hold he has on you, but at the same time you crave his approval and love. My advice is to drop him and go straight to the therapists' office because no matter how you are in the 'real world', you are on some level addicted to this man. But I can only offer you advice. You'll have to be the one to make the decision and go through with it.
Plus, he's already dumped you. how do you know he's not already seeing some other person behind your back? Sticking around like this, trying to chain him to you, won't keep him single forever. No. Go build yourself up, and find a man worthy of yourself.
Lastly, you're not pathetic, you won't be a sex toy or sugar mama any more right? You're an intelligent fantastic woman who made a mistake. And you're going to correct this mistake post-haste
all the best
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
He did not dump me. I broke up with him. I came back because of the severe emotional break down I experienced while we are apart.
I know I enable the control and hold he has over me. I just can't accept failing at this relationship. I want so badly for him to love me and care about me as much as I do him, but I know I can't change that no matter what. It makes me ask myself "What's wrong with me?" even though I consciously know it's not me--he's garbage.
So, why am I so desparately starved for the love and affection from someone like that?
i am sorry that you are having such a hard time moving on.
i just finished reading a the four agreements, a book that was suggested as good reading on this board, and one sentence really kind of got to me. i think it may mean something to you too. here you go:
Sweetie snap out of it!!!! Picking up the tab for him ? Being his sex object? What are you getting out of this except more hurt. It is possible this is not you at all, if fact it;s likely not you, it's him. He doesn't love himself let alone anyone else. Get you things and GO HOME.... and stay there.... let him see what life is like without you, either he will get his act together or find another sucker.... get the life you deserve......
I don't mean to be harsh, I have been there, but in reality you are damaging your self worth and esteem even more every minute you enable him. I know it hurts... hurts like hell. But let me tell you something, self esteem feels great and you will start rebuilding yours the second you leave his partment... trust me.
E
Thank you for replying. I know all the points you've made--I agree with you totally, but I am so afraid to leave, and I am even more terrified of him being with someone else after I leave. I don't really respect him as a person, yet I feel deeply in love with him. Is this even possible to feel at the same time? Do you think I'm actually not in love with him at all and just completely codependent?
I am a different person with everyone else in my life--I'm strong, outgoing, ambitious, and funny. Nothing nor no one else can shake me. It is only him! I could never understand the ludicrous amount of tolerance I have with him. I work 10-11 hour days, and when I get home, he is still lying on the sofa where he was when I left at 6am, and can't even manage to take the garbage out or change the used toilet paper roll. I would never put up with this from anyone else. Why can't I let go?
Pathetic Sex Slave/ Sugar Mama
I'm going to quote something out of the Four Agreements that's rather interesting.
"In your whole life, nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.
If you abuse yourself very badly, you can even tolerate someone who beats you up, humiliates you, and treats you like dirt. Why? Because in your belief system you say, "I deserve it. This person is doing me a favor by being with me. I'm not worthy of love and respect. I'm not good enough."
It amazes me sometimes how many people come on this board to say they know what they 'should' be doing..but 'can't'. And I can assure you that nothing is out of reach for those who want to do it. You're in a limbo of your own doing and unfortunately nobody can pluck you out of your situation, brush you off, and send you to some happily ever after land.
Do you respect him as a person? Probably. You despise him and the hold he has on you, but at the same time you crave his approval and love. My advice is to drop him and go straight to the therapists' office because no matter how you are in the 'real world', you are on some level addicted to this man. But I can only offer you advice. You'll have to be the one to make the decision and go through with it.
Plus, he's already dumped you. how do you know he's not already seeing some other person behind your back? Sticking around like this, trying to chain him to you, won't keep him single forever. No. Go build yourself up, and find a man worthy of yourself.
Lastly, you're not pathetic, you won't be a sex toy or sugar mama any more right? You're an intelligent fantastic woman who made a mistake. And you're going to correct this mistake post-haste
all the best
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
He did not dump me. I broke up with him. I came back because of the severe emotional break down I experienced while we are apart.
I know I enable the control and hold he has over me. I just can't accept failing at this relationship. I want so badly for him to love me and care about me as much as I do him, but I know I can't change that no matter what. It makes me ask myself "What's wrong with me?" even though I consciously know it's not me--he's garbage.
So, why am I so desparately starved for the love and affection from someone like that?
It's not that he can't/doesn't love you because there's something
I got this off of this website below, I hope it helps you because it has helped me understand what I do and why I do it. All the best,
lisa
Hi gal_maggie,
I replied in the section below and after reading the exchanges up here, I wanted to add - from This Fish Needs a Bicycle
i am sorry that you are having such a hard time moving on.
i just finished reading a the four agreements, a book that was suggested as good reading on this board, and one sentence really kind of got to me. i think it may mean something to you too. here you go: