I am such a mess!
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| Tue, 04-03-2007 - 7:49pm |
I cannot believe what I have just done. I've gone into my ex's e-mail (I still remember his password) and read all of these lovey-dovey e-mails between him and his new girlfriend. They're planning this trip together that we always used to go on. And he's taking her to "our places". I know it was absolutely wrong to go into his e-mail, and I now have to take responsibility for what I found. I guess I was trying to prepare myself for the conversation I was about to have with him and to see where he was at. And obviously where he's at is starting a new relationship and trying to get over me. It feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and I feel like puking and crying.
I can't blame him for moving on. I had every chance to take him back. But I was confused. And dating someone else myself. And a family member died and I felt too numb to think clearly. And he couldn't wait for me.
Now he's gone, I can't believe he's gone.
Now that he's begrudgingly agreed to meet me for lunch next week, I don't know what, if anything, I should say to him. Help.

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If he's moved on, and found a new girlfriend, it just wasn't meant to be. (I have to keep telling myself that as well, when I wonder if my ex is seeing anybody.)
And maybe you should cancel the lunch if he seems to not want to go. That would be like ripping open a scab.
you told me that i should focus on myself right now and take it each day at a time. i think you should do the same. maybe postpone the lunch to when you're feeling stronger and starting to accept that he's moved on. if you feel like there are things that you need to say to him, then write them down. whether you send it or not it'll help clear your head a little.
hope this helps. good luck.
Oh my elliewu,
::Now that he's begrudgingly agreed to meet me for lunch next week, I don't know what, if anything, I should say to him
I can't believe he would even agree to meet you for lunch since he's seeing someone new. Let him off the hook.
Thank you everyone for your words. Yes, cnfusedg, I seem to be much better at supporting other people than taking care of myself. :) You seem to be doing things right - better than me. Best of luck to you.
So I have made a pact. I will no longer look into his e-mail because obviously no good can come out of it. Plus, in a sense now I'm even with him, since he stole my diaries and read them a month ago. Not that I want to play that game, but I need to accept the consequences of what I did and now move on without doing it again.
My ex and I have a very intense and addictive relationship that we've been trying to alternately kill and resurrect for a year now. Despite trying to move on and date other people, there are some really strong feelings there still. A month ago he sent flowers to my office twice, left roses on my car, bought me a watch for Valentine's Day, and a card saying he wishes he had one more chance to make me happy and left food on my doorstep when I was sick. He has only been dating this new girl for a few weeks. This is the only reason there may still be a chance.
When I see him ... if I see him ... yeah I'd have to be prepared for the emotional flood that follows. But even if he says no, it may give the closure I need to move on fully. I need him to tell me: "There is NO chance of getting back together. EVER." Or, he may be open to trying something still. But even in that case there's now other people involved from both our sides that may get hurt in the process. What a mess. What do you think? Worth it?
:(
i think if you think that's what you need to move on then do it. but things tend to never turn out how we expect, no matter how many scenarios we try to figure out in our minds. be careful of the other people involved too. you don't want to cause hurt to someone who cares about you because then you'd be doing the same thing your ex is doing to you. be sensitive of their feelings too.
i'm so sorry you're going through this. you said that the relationship has been addictive and that you both tried to break it off a couple of times. i guess what i always try to ask myself, are the good times more than the bad times? if the answer is no then even if he wants to try again do you think it's worth it? will it be another cycle of getting back together and then having to go through this again in a couple of months? just some things to think about.
and trust me i'm not dealing with it better either. every day is a struggle to not call/text/IM him. today i've been driving myself crazy waiting to see why he hasn't signed on yet. sad i know. but hey i take the good days with the bad. today's a good day (despite my craziness). for now all we can do is take it a day at a time.
PS: Proud of you for deciding to not read his e-mail anymore. it'll only drive you nuts
Thanks again for your words of encouragement.
I'm proud of you, too, for not contacting him despite how hard it is. It shows how much strength you have inside. It's normal to wonder what he's up to. At least you didn't cross the line into actually invading his privacy like I did. I am going to a NC policy as soon as I get some business taken care of. (The complicating factor is that we own property together and are in the process of taking care of legal matters so I do have to be in contact with regard to that). I think if I can do 30 days NC, then I will buy myself a gorgeous dress as a reward. Maybe you can reward yourself, too. :)
And I also appreciate the reminder to keep the other people in mind. I am dating a really sweet guy who really cares about me. I don't think it's a relationship that'll last forever because of different life goals, but for now he is exactly what I need. Something easy and sweet and fun. He doesn't deserve to get hurt because he's really been there for me. The more I think about it, I should probably just let my ex be with his new girlfirend, and stay with my new boyfriend and believe that if it's meant to be in the future we may come together at some point.
Not easy for sure ... but, one day at a time.
So it turns out that I have to see my ex today due to a meeting with our real estate lawyer. I'm not looking forward to it. I really hope I can keep myself from saying something I'll regret ...
He's moved on. He has a new girlfriend. I have a new boyfriend. I should just let him be and move on, even though it's hard.
Any thoughts on what to say that might help with closure?
I guess I want to just tell him to go find happiness and that I wish him all the best. And maybe that I'm sorry that things didn't work out and the timing was off in temr sof trying to work things out.
I just really hope I can do that without getting sucked in by the feelings of seeing him ... this real estate thing really does complicate things. Sigh.
....."Any thoughts on what to say that might help with closure?".....
Thanks lindseyloo3035 for the wake-up call and cl-i_b_sandradee for the advice. You're both right.
Do I really miss the relationship and want him back? Well, I certainly have my concerns. And there's probably some truth to the fact that there's some of the push-pull game going on with me not taking him back when he wanted me back. But he was pressuring me and demanding an answer, which I don't do well with. It turns me right off and confuses me and his tactics tied right into the issues with control that were the problem in our relationship. Also, I was too overwhelmed with all of the other things going on in my life, like my relative's death.
I guess what's changed now is that the pressure is off which means I can think clearly again and I feel I might always regret it if I don't try it again with him. And I will be the one who said no to the second chance and I don't know if I can live with that. Also, the thought of him with someone else makes me sick to my stomach with jealousy, which isn't fair, but that's how I feel. Of course he had every right to move on. And now I have a feeling it's too late. He'd be a chump to take me back after all the rejection I dealt out to him.
But what am I going to say tonight? T minus 2 hours to the meeting. :( Maybe just scope it out and see where he's at? Part of me wants to just speak from the heart and tell him I miss him and ask if he still thinks I'm "the one". If he says no, I'll wish him happiness with his new GF. If he says, yes, we may have some options to discuss. Wish me luck.
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