I am such a mess!
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| Tue, 04-03-2007 - 7:49pm |
I cannot believe what I have just done. I've gone into my ex's e-mail (I still remember his password) and read all of these lovey-dovey e-mails between him and his new girlfriend. They're planning this trip together that we always used to go on. And he's taking her to "our places". I know it was absolutely wrong to go into his e-mail, and I now have to take responsibility for what I found. I guess I was trying to prepare myself for the conversation I was about to have with him and to see where he was at. And obviously where he's at is starting a new relationship and trying to get over me. It feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and I feel like puking and crying.
I can't blame him for moving on. I had every chance to take him back. But I was confused. And dating someone else myself. And a family member died and I felt too numb to think clearly. And he couldn't wait for me.
Now he's gone, I can't believe he's gone.
Now that he's begrudgingly agreed to meet me for lunch next week, I don't know what, if anything, I should say to him. Help.

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I guess what's changed now is that the pressure is off which means I can think clearly again and I feel I might always regret it if I don't try it again with him.".....
Funny, this is what usually happens between men and women when the woman wants to know "where the relationship is going" or is asking for a "commmitment," and the guy bolts like a rabbit or pulls a disappearing act, word for word, play for play.
Now that you've added this extra bit, I'll say this:
OK - now I'm done.
I met with him and the end result is that he still has really strong feelings for me but he doesn't think he loves me anymore and regardless, can't take me back after me rejecting him so many times, that too much damage has been done. He told me not to tempt him by asking him to work things out anymore, that he can't say 100% what will happen in the future but that right now he's trying to numb his pain by "having fun" with this new GF but that it's nothing serious. I told him I needed to hear that he doesn't miss me and that there's no chance for us ever but he wouldn't. He got all emotional and started crying and kept extending the meeting, didn't seem to want to leave. Finally I got up, wished him well, told him that perhaps in five more years we could be friends and walked out. No tears. I felt so strong.
But then he did the strangest thing. He chased me out into the parking lot. Told me that there's something he needed to tell me to get it off his chest and to help me move on. That he'd cheated on me while we were together.
Wow.
How unsettling. I am completely shocked. My friends think he's a) crazy and b) lying to manipulate me. I'm not sure what's worse, if he did indeed cheat on me ... because that's an absolute deal breaker for me. And I was in a long term relationship without knowing I was being cheated on. Or if he's lying about it now to manipulate me.
But regardless, it is SO over.
A rare case where breaking NC actually helped me move on. I'm glad I did it. It gave me the truth and strength and I left with my dignity in tact.
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