I am Willling to Wait 4 him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
I am Willling to Wait 4 him
4
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 4:14pm

My ex and I broke up one week ago. He is an avoidant person meaning, it is hard for him to express his feelings and easy to dismiss any conflicts we may have by just avoiding them.He bottles up everything! He is a 'perfectionist' and he tries to solve everybody's problems.When you see his place, it's perfectly clean which is a plus!There are great things about my ex. He has given me so much in the passed six mos. relationship.It is not materialistic things, but to show I do have the strength to do things,etc.It is very rare to see his heart because he tries to be this 'emotionless man' and he does it well to the point I think he doesn't care anymore. He broke off the relationship with me. He knows I want to marry him and I do not expect him or myself to be in this fantasy or fairy-tale...then here comes marriage right away! I am very in touch with my feelings and do not really hold back anything.Esp.being a woman, I never grew up to hide my emotions. He wants to take a break because he said he cannot give me the best communication and love I deserve.He wants me to continue to be in his life. Since we break up, he hasn't orally communicated with me then I would have to text him to get a reply to see if he is well. He did the whole break up on texts and apologized for his immaturity. He cannot talk to me orally and face me!I never met a man like this before! Should I wait for him? I really want to wait because I feel like I need to give him time to open up.I am not literally seating around but I do think about him!I start thinking is there another woman or am I the problem??!!!Am I the one that pushed him to the edge! Help...I am in love and want more out of him!I want him in my life but how do I let go off the 'in love' feelings. I can't be 'just friends.' Is this the end??
ps- I am 22 and he is 24...

Edited 11/5/2007 4:29 pm ET by losangel_lady




Edited 11/5/2007 4:29 pm ET by losangel_lady
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 5:45pm

Welcome to the board losangel_lady,


Your love can't save him, fix him, heal him, change him or make him want to communicate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 9:00pm

Hi again,


Did you see this that Sandra posted?


Waiting for Him? Read this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 9:56pm
I read it and its all true. I am doing serious thinking.I love him and God has a plan for he & I :-(
After this breakdown, I am staying single until I finish my undergrad!Even then I don't know if I want a man!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 10:41pm

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it sucks going through a break-up, especially when you're trying to get an education. I'm on Day 18 of NC with my ex. To be honest, if God has a plan for you and your ex, then everything would work out and you wouldn't have to try so hard to make the relationship work. I know because I've 'been there, done that' and like Carrie said, you can't 'make him' do/say/feel anything.


The best advice I can give you is to stop contacting him. Do not e-mail him, do not call him, do not visit him, nothing. This is the only way you're going to get over this relationship and move on with you life. Putting your life on hold while he gets to do whatever he wants to do is not going to do you any good. Take the focus off of him and his life, and put it back on yours. Keep focused on your schoolwork. You will have midterms, papers, and final exams coming up, and worrying about what he's doing/not doing/how can you win him back will only jeopardize your success in school, and ultimately you'll feel worse if you don't do well.


So what do you do with all this time? Take this time to go through the grieving process. Cry, get angry, get sad, do what you need to do to get it all out and deal with it. Then get busy. Read self-help books to heal and get yourself back in order. Focus on your schoolwork because it's an important investment in yourself. Learn how to nuture and comfort yourself. I've been burning a bunch of candles and incense because I find it relaxing. Start yoga, going for walks, writing in a journal, praying, whatever. You need to deal with this the right way, otherwise these issues with keep coming back and sabotaging your relationships.


While surfing the internet, I came across the website I cut and pasted below. It talks about unavailable men, and why we stay in relationships with unavailable men. There is also a checklist on how to spot an emotionally unavailable man, and why we attract emotionally unavailable men. Please check it out, it's helped me deal with my breakup and put the focus back on me. I wish you the best.


hugs, lisa


http://naughtygirl.typepad.com/mrunavailable/understanding_unavailable_men/index.html


Why be emotionally unavailable and why want someone who is emotionally unavailable?


The reason why women love emotionally unavailable men is because it's what they know. Why change the habit of a lifetime if you don't even recognise it as not being good for you because you've never experienced something different? It's difficult to pull yourself out of this scenario when there is something oddly comforting because it's strangely familiar.


Men and women in this scenario are behaving in their respective ways because they have both been trained. The guy has it entrenched in him to go it alone, keep a distance, not be vulnerable, and probably has no clue how to actually put his emotions out there. Women that love emotionally unavailable men have it entrenched in them to chase the attention of a man who just isn't 'there' whether it's on an emotional or physical sense or both. With both men and women who fall into this vicious cycle, it stems from a fear of loving and a fear of losing love.


When it comes to relationships that involve emotional unavailability, both parties have issues with letting out their emotions. Often both parties have had experiences that contribute to their actions and it often comes down to some sort of previous hurt. For some it was out and out heartbreak with a conscious decision never to risk themselves again and for others, they got hurt, buried the feeling and it masks itself as unavailabilty. Often in the childhoods of women that have this problem, there is a father that was absent, a father that they didn't have a great bond with, a father that worked long hours, a mother and father that stopped communicating with each other and appeared to be emotionally distant, and sometimes a mother that gave out mixed or wrong messages about love such as needing any love rather than quality love. The pattern is deep-rooted within us and it can often show itself as an intense desire to go it alone rather than put yourself at risk with a man. When a solo-woman does dip her toes into dating, she does it with an emotionally unavailable man because it's less risky and promotes the notion that it's better to be alone because men take your heart, smash it, hurt you, use and abuse you.