I broke the engagement--huge mistake??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2007
I broke the engagement--huge mistake??
6
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 5:02am

Hi everyone,

I've never posted on here before, but I could really use some feedback. I recently ended a two year relationship that led to a four month engagement. I had expressed concerns about the impending engagement, but I also contributed to it, hoping that I would become more certain about marrying him. 3 days after I told him I still couldn't tell him when (if ever) I would be ready to get married, he took me on a romantic date and proposed. I was shocked and confused (and happy, too, in a way) and said yes. I hoped that he could be sure enough for the both of us, as ridiculous as that sounds now. He just wanted it so badly, and since I was so ambivelant I thought that I should just be happy someone loved me that much, and I hoped to get excited and feel more committed.

Things gradually worsened after that, to the point where he was touring churches by himself because I couldn't go forward with wedding planning--he even had all his groomsmen lined up, and I hadn't even asked my sisters, let alone any friends. I just retreated and let him take control. The short version is that we ended up in couple's counseling, and then I finally ended our relationship almost a month ago. He said that he loved me and would help me in any way he could, but I told him I needed to be alone to work out where I got lost in the relationship. I have a pattern of jumping from one relationship to another without figuring out what happened, and I'm trying to finally take that time to find out why.

I know I've devastated him, and I'm devastated. Honestly, I think this is worse than getting dumped. I feel like its all my fault, that I hurt the one person in the world that really loves me and cares about me. It's so tempting to call him and try to fix thngs, but I'm afraid after a few months I would just do this again. I can't date anyone else, and I would be devastated if he did. I'm afraid to do anything that might jeopardize potentially getting back together, but its keeping me from moving on, too. All I can think about is how much good our relationship still had. I am reminded of him everywhere. While we were dating, all I could think about was that I wasn't sure, and that there was still a life as a single woman I wanted to have that I hadn't gotten to have yet--now that I'm single all I can think about is him. Have I made a terrible mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 10:14am
No, you did not make a mistake. Obviuosly, if you were not into planing the wedding etc and were relectant about the engagement, he is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If I were you I would write a list of what you did not like about him and the relationship and be sure that in your next one that the person does not exhibit the same qualities. I was married for 20 years and learned the hard way that you can't change someone fundamentally. You can tweak someone but not change them. In the relationship that I am in now, I know the qualites that I want in a person that my ex husband did not have and albeit my boyfriend is not perfect(who is?). He has the qualities that I craved in my marraige that I was not getting
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 12:14pm

Hi and welcome to the board, freefall-- (interesting choice, is that how you're feeling about all this?)

I don't believe you've necessarily made a mistake, however, the obviousness in this isn't so much that he might not be "the One" but rather, that you have some serious commitment issues that would probably be best addressed by some honest self assessment for the first time in your life. Learn that most of our problems in our own relationships aren't outside of ourselves. He's not the issue in your relationships, you are. You are the common denominator in your relationships, accept responsibility for them (NOT blame). Especially if you've never addressed what went wrong before, are you afraid of what you'll find? Instead of writing down all the things you don't like about your ex-fiance, write down all the things youv'e done to keep an intimate relationship at arm's length, such as not making decisions, not speaking out, hoping things work themselves out instead of actually looking for a solution, health or finance concerns not addressed, questioning and second-guessing yourself after you've made a decision, the list can go pretty long and sometimes it's pretty surprising.

We're not always our own best friends, sometimes we keep quieting that voice inside that's telling us we're not happy wth something, hoping that circumstances "work themselves out." The thing is, we're each in charge of our own lives, and people with commitment issues (such as yourself, such as me) need to learn to not only listen to the voice inside, but also to actually trust it and to GIVE IT A VOICE. We have to learn to speak up, I have a feeling you don't speak up much when something is making you unhappy, am I correct? It's incredibly hard to do, moreso than what many people would think. But it IS necessary. Don't be a spectator in your own life.

My best suggestion to you is to start with a book, "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Carter and Sokol. I think you'll find yourself in the pages of that book. I know I did. Then, sometimes, just acknowledging you have a problem with this is enough to start the ball rolling. That and an open mind. Then, you may consider a bit of counseling if you think it's warranted. And finally, if you haven't talked to your ex-fiance about what all was going on inside you (and I have a feeling you really haven't) then after you do some of the work on yourself you might consider talking to him about that. You may be surprised.

All the best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 8:24pm

Dear Sandra,

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful response. After some reflecting, I think that I agree with much of your assessment. It's funny how many of us think about committment issues. I always tend to think about women who can't get their boyfriends to commit, or maybe just marriage-specific commitment phobias. But its true. I've always called it difficulty making decisions--everything from where to go to school to whether or not to apply for a job...whether or not I want to date somebody. But after reading your response, I've realized that in essence what a decision is is choosing one possibility to the exclusion of other possibilities...and I've had problems with that, fears about making a wrong decision really, as long as I can remember.

I do plan to find the book you suggested and read it. I just feel a bit discouraged right now. I've seen a counselor twice, and we are back talking about the same issues that always come up, and that I really thought I had settled. I feel like I can recognize behaviors and realize the source of that behavior, but that I still do them anyway, almost as a knee-jerk reaction. Like the way I panic about committments. But how do I know if I am just panicking about the idea of marriage (which I know I have issues about), or if this really wasn't the relationship I needed to be in? How do I know if its me or him? Or just us together?

Lately I'm really fighting the urge to call him, and see how he's doing, but I know that I have no business contacting him again until I can at least commit to something. Maybe the problem is that I can't even commit to breaking up?!

I just really want to find some kind of peace with all of this. Any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 11:44pm

What I learned from the He's Scared, she's Scared book is that people who have a hard time making a commitment in a relationship, and by that I mean true commitmentphobes, not just people who don't want to settle in with one particular person and then get labeled as villains, pretty much have a hard time making a commitment to anything, lest they make the wrong choice.

It took me three years to decide on which car to buy, simply because I couldn't make up my mind, just way too many choices, options. I took a year choosing a color for the outside of my house because *what if* it was the wrong color? Same thing with school, I couldn't decide between a degree in electrical enigneering and one in aerospace, because one was highly marketable, yet the other was a lifelong dream and personal passion but much smaller market, so I did both degrees. Can you say glutton for punishment? This all may sound so simple and easy to many other people, but to folks with commitment issues, this stuff, or even what to order on a menu, can at times be sheer torture. Sometimes the easiest thing to do, the one that causes the least amount of pressure, is no choice at all. But that's no way to live, all life is a series of choices, even choosing not to choose.

I'm reading a book, called "Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work" by Ariel and Shya Kane, big proponents of transformational approach to pretty much everything, and one of their premises is that the way you do anything is the way you do everything. So true. So get used to making small choices, live with them, make a choice and don't second-guess it; realize that *nothing* is ever set in stone, not a dang thing. I don't care what anyone says, the only permanent thing in life is death, everything else is negotiable. So make a choice and stick with it, small ones, get used to listening to yourself, NO ONE else is living your life.

Take a look around your home, have you hung pictures on the wall, or are you waiting "for the perfect piece of art" or can't decide between eclectic or conventional decor and so therefore have lots of bare walls and very little home-y-ness to it? Commitmentphobe. Like I said, it's surprising where the stuff finds ways to come out.

I get grief all the time from my friends who only mean whell when they say my ex and I need to decide if we're dating or not and just say so, and I ask them, "Why? Will it make you feel better? How will us dating affect your life?" and they have no answer. Live your life and don't let anyone else tell you you're wrong because you don't feel you need to commit at this point in life or because you don't fit their values system. If you can't, it's for a reason, find that reason. When you find the reason, you can let go of it.

Instead of losing sleep over choices and saying "what if," exchange that for "SO WHAT if," and follow that path of thinking all the way to its conclusion no matter how ridiculous the outcome is. For example, so what if you make the wrong choice in a partner? Well, like anyone else you try to work it out first of all, but if that doesn't work, then there's always separation and divorce, if that's the issue. No one dies, no one becomes some weird monster, no one is irrevocably damaged, *so what* if...

All couples have issues, all couples have doubts, they all have these to certain degrees but they hopefully learn to work through them openly and honestly and together. If you don't believe you and your ex can ever do that, then I'd say no, he's not a good candidate for you, but if you think that you and he could theoretically make the effort (because it's all a guessing game until the last second you're here on Earth), then I'd say he's probably as good a candidate for you as anyone. Take each day one at a time and learn to let go of the lie of a single "One" in life, there's a whole bunch of candidates whom you could be compatible with, and could pretty much make a life with. Choosing any one of them and then having totally normal doubts doesn't mean "One" is out there that you're missing out on, it just means you have some stuff to work through and figure out. So work thorugh it and figure it out, don't ignore it hoping it goes away, it won't.

Read that book by Cater and Sokol, don't put it off, you've procrastinated in your life long enough.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 12:59pm

Hi there Sandra


I'm in a similar situation as the post you replied to -

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 9:23pm

Hi Michelle :)

You're not crazy, you're not overreacting. None of this sounds very good to me at all. It's not for me to say what you should do, however, IF it was me in this situation, I'd get right the heck out of this. While most anything can at some point be worked out, in your case I'd have to ask why?

Everyone, listen up: Whatever the situation is before the wedding, only gets magnified afterwards.

1. He's still legally married. 'Nuff said.

2. He points out how *your* moral values are low, but *he's* the one who's still married. Hypocrite and double standard. If you marry him, get used to that being the case because that's a values issue. Honestly, I really don't care to listen to stories from people when they say, "The marriage is over, it's just paperwork." Well, if that's truly the case, kill the marriage and get the paperwork done already! Call me a year AFTER that happens and not a second before, thankyouverymuch.

3. What many people fail to realize in relationships, and this includes men and women, is that you can't "demand" anything. No. It's a whole other person, it's a whole other life, and that in and of itself requires respect. (Sound like something might be missing?) You can request, you can ask, if you're feeling especially froggy you can even get away with suggesting something here or there. You cannot demand just because you are in a relationship with someone. It's completely about respect. Same goes in the other direction, no one can "demand" anything of you, either. Y'all just drink all of that in.

4. Ask yourself this question: WHY would anyone marry someone who is ashamed of being in a relationship with them? Seriously, if your best friend, your sister or brother came to you with this story, what would you tell them? Why do you feel you deserve so much less than that?

5. When you are considering marriage with someone, you SHOULD scrutinize them more carefully, and also be prepared to be scrutinized. You are obligated to, you have a real and moral responsibility to yourself. This doesn't mean seek out nitpicky details to criticize, but this DOES mean that if you are seriously considering spending the rest of your life with someone, you really need to make sure it's because the two of you are on the same page about most things, such as values, finances, children, etc. There is no real way to work that stuff out AFTER the wedding once you get started on the wrong foot, remember my main point above about how things magnify afterwards.

I'd have issues committing to this kind of person as well. Do you like being bossed around? For what it's worth, nothing in what you posted showed me how he "loves you to bits." And that's very telling.

I wish I had better or happier input for you, but I can't in good conscience suggest you ignore your gut feeling. Listen to your gut and see what surfaces.

Best of luck,

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