i broke up with him, but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
i broke up with him, but...
6
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 4:00am

... why do i keep asking myself if i did the right thing?

first of all, i just wanted to say it's very comforting that there are so many people here who share the same experiences and pains over their breakups.

so i was the one who initiated the breakup. we're coming towards our 2 year mark in about a week, but i just felt like this wasn't working for me anymore. believe it or not, this is probably about the 3rd time we've "broken up". the past few times, we got back together in a week. now that i think about it, all those other times were also initiated by me. anyway, we both know that there is no future between us because of EVERYTHING: social differences, religious differences, cultural differences, financial differences, etc... list goes on. i was certain that i did not want to marry him or have children with him. but when we first started dating at 22, we weren't really thinking about that. but now i am starting to feel that i am getting too old for these games. i am not looking to get married any time soon, but i feel that it's a waste of both our time by staying together. but why do i keep doubting myself each minute of my life and have to remind myself that i made the right decision? it gets harder at night too, when i'm alone and i find myself thinking about him. i have to hold my tongue to make sure i don't send him any emails or text messages that would imply that i want him back.

this breakup has been especially difficult for me because it was my first serious long-term relationship. my friends are not always the most dependable either so i am not really counting on them. i am trying to immerse myself with different activities and errands so i can keep busy with work, exercise, hobbies, anything.

he is a great guy and i do want to stay friends. but is it a good idea to become friends with an ex soon after a breakup? we still have to give each other's stuff back... that will be awkward. is it a good idea to make get together for dinner or coffee as a new start to our friendship next week? too soon?

thanks for reading everyone.
breakups are very painful :( i spent most of my last weekend at home in front of the computer and tv. the good thing was i did get to catch up on my sleep and rest and recover from my cold...

Edited 10/11/2005 4:18 am ET ET by ladygc




Edited 10/11/2005 4:32 am ET ET by ladygc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 12:27pm

ladygc-

I hope all goes well for you with your breakup. I know for me I couldn't get together that soon with ex for coffee because I would be scared all of those good times would come back then and make me wonder even more if I made the wrong decision of leaving . . . and then I'm afraid we'd get back together to do it all over again.

My ex and I just broke up too, about a month ago. It took me a year to do it . . . one could even say it took me two years because that's when I realized I had made a huge mistake by being with him. We were together since I was 19. While he wasn't my first serious boyfriend (and was actually the second boyfriend I lived with), he was also my first long-term relationship. All previous to him had lasted 6 months or less. My relationship with the guy I just broke up with lasted 6.5 years.

He had an 8 month old daughter when we began dating (he was never involved with MOB other than physically). Anyhow, our relationship was awful from about 6 months on, but we loved each other so much we just decided to make it work. He actually treated me pretty crappy. I always came last . . . even to his online video gaming friends (example: I wanted him to go to dinner with my family but he said he had already told him online buddies he would do a mission with them . . . which usually took him 6 HOURS! . . . and he didn't want to let them down). So I realized I had made a huge mistake when we got engaged after 3 years, we PURPOSEFULLY got pregnant two months later (three months before wedding) then he decided to push off the wedding date until the next year (what?!) and then we had our twins and he took three months off from work . . . didn't lift one G-D finger to help with our kids (we have NO family where we live) and played video games 18 hours a day for 3 months (yes, he ADMITS he did this to our counselor . . . our counselor called him a shmuck!). That's when I realized I screwed up royally. Then over the course of the next two years our wedding date got pushed off indefinitely . . . he went out with friends when ever he wanted but I wasn't even allowed to go to the store unless I took the kids because he didn't want to watch them. Yes, he admits this too. So I finally leave and he has the balls to tell me how awful I am for taking the kids from him! I now live 5 hours away from him, and guess who has been driving the kids the entire way both ways every other weekend?? ME!

As soon as I left he tells me how much he's changed and how much he loves me and wants to marry me AND WANTS ME TO HAVE ANOTHER OF HIS BABIES!!! I've been doing fine over the last month, but now realizing this is forever, last night I started wishing I was back with him . . . just trying to think how we can make it work anyway. I'm so stupid. Well, luckily he went out last night . . . was supposed to call me after he got back (went to dinner with friends) but didn't. No biggie. But then he was supposed to call our twins this morning like every morning, but he didn't. So, I assumed he stayed up late last night and went to bed around 6 this morning . . . but if he had he would have replied to my email I sent . . . because he normally sits on his computer all night and always replies to anything I send him. So, I guess in the back of my head I think this is a good thing for me to think he must have stayed out and "partied" with buddies all night. If he would move on and find interest in someone else, I think it would be easier for me to move on too.

Anyway, hope things get better for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 2:30pm

hi there,
i think we're in similar situations. i too, wondered and always questioned whether i did the right thing or not breaking things off with my ex. we were together for 4yrs(lived for 2), and we talked about marriage, i loved him dearly and he loved me sooooooo much and he really was/is a wonderful person, so why did i break up? up until maybe 3 weeks ago, i was still questioning that and it's been a little over a year since our break up. so now, i have finally let goed of my need to figure this out because it made letting go and accepting impossible. what my reason was at the time, i'm not sure if that was accurate or an exuse, or maybe i was going through a phase, or maybe because i was a different person than things bothered me then but wouldn't now, or was it just a stupid choice i made, or was it something that i really needed to do? i don't think i'll ever know forsure, but does it really matter? it's over and only until a few weeks ago, could i really accept that. although i haven't figured it out whether i made the right choice or not, and i probably never will.....i'd like to believe that everything does happen for a reason, and i'd like to believe that although for the most part our relationship was a great, that there had to be something there/or not there to make a huge life changing decision like that. i may not remember them now or maybe because i was bothered by things back then that i wouldn't be bothered by now, it's hard to see what those reasons were...i know i'm a very impulsive person, but i'd like to give myself some credit that i can't be that impulsive to leave a 4 year relationship for NO reason at all. one major thing that has helped me to make some progress in my healing is really letting go of my need to go back to the past and change things, particularly my decision.

I think that it is way too soon for your ex and you to be friends right now. Through my experience i have found that seeing the ex and trying to be friends before you are both ready just causes so much more pain and hurt, and really does nothing for the healing and letting go process except make it harder/worse.

I wish you all the best. and no matter what you choose to do(to see him or not)i hope it works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 4:59pm
if you guys have alot of diffrences then its best for you to keep away from him. the reason why I'm telling you this is because chances of you breaking up with him again is very high. and you dont want to play with your own emotions. your a human and you only have one heart and one body. and its all you, you you.. so please dont put your self through this. he could be a great man, but not great enough for you. maybe his great for someone else. i think its this guilt you feel and that ok, it only shows that your not a bad person. you want to be friends becuase your a good person. I hope one day you will realize that you can move on. I hope I'm being a help. I cant tell you to move on, who the hell am I to say, I havent even moved on..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:35pm

Hi,

I read your post and really felt for you. As hard as it is when someone breaks up with you, it is also hard when you have to break up with them! This summer was the first time I had to end a relationship, and it was an eye opening experience.

I think its completely normal to doubt whether you made the right decision, it's a tough decision to make, and impacts your life so completely. But it sounds to me like you did your thinking, and made an informed sound decision. Now the difficult part is trusting it.

As for staying friends, I had a really hard time imagining life without contact. And so I admit that we have been in contact, even though it has not been easy. There is a lot of good advice here on 'no contact', but I firmly believe you need to get to the point where you feel its the best thing for you and you are ready to work at it, otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure. Give yourself some time to settle down, and see if patterns develop around contact. It has taken me a while to see how emails, text messages, voicemails etc really make me feel in order to determine what contact, or none, is best.

Hang in there, there are good days and bad, and hopefully with time the good ones happen more often and the bad ones less often.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:01am

My take on what you wrote is that you are comfortable with him. You express that you know you weren't meant to be married or have a future in the relationhip sense, and it's good that you realize it. Your doubts probably have to do with the comfort factor. I had the same thing...I knew my ex wasn't right for me, we broke up several times always reuniting, even though we both knew there were too many differences to harbor a future together in that manner.

We finally broke an engagement last year and both moved on. He has already met someone and married. We did both verbalize interest in remaining friends, though. While we aren't meant to be together, we both feel that we're meant to remain friends because we still love each other and care about each other in a friendly way. I think another part of the reason why I stayed so long in a doomed relationship was because my friends also weren't very supportive...and I think subconsciously I wanted to prove them wrong about my choice of relationship. I had to realize that it didn't matter if they were right or wrong...I had to live happily.

My advice to you would be to wait a while before trying a friendship. My ex and I tried to be friends from the start and it only caused problems, arguments, hateful comments, etc. We agreed to take a looooong break...and it was VERY difficult....but it made us both stronger and it was for the best. After 5 or 6 months without hardly any meaningful communication we finally met last week for lunch. It was very nice to see him after all of this time and I really enjoyed lunch with him. And like I told all of my friends who asked that it was nice to see him...and it was nice to see him go home. I didn't have this need to be with him for longer than I was (like before...I wanted to spend ALL of my time with him). And I gotta tell ya, the whole experience brought me to a refreshing realization. I was able for the first time to evaluate our frienship and my feelings without residual "in love" feelings...and it really made me realize that we weren't meant to be together in our previous capacity. I was able to see all the differences and all of the things that I couldn't live with...and we even jokingly said to each other, "how did we last 7 years together?". It was nice to know that we both have the same feelings and intentions at this point and we can begin to harbor the great FRIENDSHIP that we were meant to have.

I hope that things work out for the best with you and that you, too, are able to create the frienship that you and your ex were meant to have together.

Good luck and keep in touch! :)

~jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 6:49am

I'm in a similar situation. I broke up with my boyfriend last week, for the second time in a year. Some people don't realize that just because you were the one that broke up doesn't mean that you don't care. As a matter of fact, this has been devasting to me. When you are too unhappy in a relationship and you know there's no hope, it's time to move on.

Jenttifer was right when she said that you have to start NC when it is right for you, but as much as I wanted to remain friends with my ex I know it will totally block my healing. Luckily, I only struggled with the decision for 2-3 days. I then decided it was what I needed to do.

There is some freedom for me in knowing that the roller coaster ride of emotions is over. I may hurt like hell now but it will be a feeling that I have to deal with, that will gradually get better with time. My hopes won't go up only to have them sink down so low again.

We're all here if you want to talk.....