I broke up with him, mixed emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
I broke up with him, mixed emotions.
14
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:01am
I ended a yr. and a half relationship about 6 weeks ago (with two relapses since then). My problem? He is a very sweet,caring, hard working, honest man who was pushing me to commit to marriage. I know he adores me. As a widow of two years, who was married for 35 yrs., I am very leery of jumping into such a relationship. He says he'll back off that but has said that several times before and he always brings it up again.
Another problem is that our backgrounds are very different and I think that will cause some problems down the road. I am from a family of educators and enjoy intellectual pursuits as well as just good old fun like dancing, riding country rds., concerts, etc.
My husband and I had a very decent income and he was a prominent man in the community.
The boy friend? Very poor,uneducated, didn't have a lot of opportunities but enjoys having new experiences. He is smart enough, but I feel I should give myself a chance to find someone more suited to me.
This week he has taken up with a woman of questionable attributes (translation: trashy )and has spent every day and night with her. MY problem is that I am having all kinds of mixed emtions about this that I did not expect. I wanted this, yet I am feeling hurt, embarrassed for him and me, and having second thoughts. Why did I give up the happiness I had for some idealized relationship I might or might not find in the future?
HELP
Sorry this is long but it's hard to explain.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 8:33am

I think its called dumper's remorse. You've forgotten why you broke up with him in the first place or its been downplayed in your mind now and you'r only remembering the good stuff.

I'm defintely there. I have to remind myself everyday why I ended it. Cause I really just want him back. Stay strong, I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 12:41pm
Thank you for responding. I'm going to keep that term, "dumpers remorse", in my head today. I'm inexperienced in this stuff and didn't know what to expect. Keep strong yourself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:11pm

The term 'dumper's remorse" is from the book Its Called Breakup Because It Broken, which I've read and has helped a lot.

You can read some excerpts on it here: http://p19.pers.re4.yahoo.com/static/relationships_breakup-broken

And I'm trying my best to stay strong and reading everything I can get my heads on on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 10:41pm

I am also where you are. I ended a 2 year relationship about 6 weeks ago for the 2nd time. Though I struggled with my decision for a long time before the breakup, I still sometimes question myself with "was it really that bad--maybe I just can't be happy with anyone". The bottom line is, you have to trust your gut instincts. My guy was never really my "type" in a lot of the ways you mentioned. He was what we here in the south refer to as a "redneck". He was backward-thinking, judgemental, racist, sexist--you name it. He also had a lot of redeeming qualities and we had an amazing chemistry. But in my gut I always knew he wasn't the guy I pictured myself with, though at 50 I am wondering if that guy only exists in my imagination. Still, there is no reason why any of us should settle. I did that in my last marriage and swore I would never do it again.

So when I start feeling weak, I get my list of reasons out and replay some scenarios in my head and realize that I followed that deep-down voice that kept telling me "DO NOT MARRY HIM!". Call it instinct or a warning from God--whatever you want--but don't ignore it.

My guy has not taken up with anyone, as far as I know, but is still around, trying to show me what a "nice guy" I gave up. Even though he himself told me he that he knew he was not what I wanted and he did not want me to settle for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:28am

It's at least comforting to know others like me are out there. I am trying very hard today to focus on those key factors that told me this wasn't for me for the rest of my life. I really understand the nice guy part. I have experienced the same thing. He literally would have done anything for me. That's why we feel like crap I guess. He too told me ,"I know I'm not good enough for you".

What do I want? Well, of course everything and I know that's not realistic. We must not settle though. Thanks for your support. Keep strong.

Freedebb

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:55am

I love that term.....dumpers remorse.

I called off my wedding on July 5th...was to be married on the 7th. I'm going thru all the same emotions, and I forget why I didn't want to marry him. I love that term...I have to keep telling myself that.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 11:56pm
I saw him driving on the street todayand we made eye contact. HELP! I did a no no. I spied to see if he was with the skank tonight. He was. I should be better than this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 12:00am
I thought our leaders were supposed the give advice. I appeciate any support you have given me. Good luck to all the dumpers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:12pm

Welcome to the board freedebb,


I've been busy with my other job, ha ha.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:29pm

Thanks to all again!
As you might have been able to tell, I'd had a few too many, out with the "girls" They are trying to keep me straight too. I know from your advice and reading suggested sites that friends are important. I came here because I don't want to burn them out with all of this. This is my first experience with ivillage and I am so grateful for feedback. I live in a small town which makes not having contact a lttle harder. I will try to be better though.

As for others like me, let's stick together.

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