I broke up with him, mixed emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
I broke up with him, mixed emotions.
14
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:01am
I ended a yr. and a half relationship about 6 weeks ago (with two relapses since then). My problem? He is a very sweet,caring, hard working, honest man who was pushing me to commit to marriage. I know he adores me. As a widow of two years, who was married for 35 yrs., I am very leery of jumping into such a relationship. He says he'll back off that but has said that several times before and he always brings it up again.
Another problem is that our backgrounds are very different and I think that will cause some problems down the road. I am from a family of educators and enjoy intellectual pursuits as well as just good old fun like dancing, riding country rds., concerts, etc.
My husband and I had a very decent income and he was a prominent man in the community.
The boy friend? Very poor,uneducated, didn't have a lot of opportunities but enjoys having new experiences. He is smart enough, but I feel I should give myself a chance to find someone more suited to me.
This week he has taken up with a woman of questionable attributes (translation: trashy )and has spent every day and night with her. MY problem is that I am having all kinds of mixed emtions about this that I did not expect. I wanted this, yet I am feeling hurt, embarrassed for him and me, and having second thoughts. Why did I give up the happiness I had for some idealized relationship I might or might not find in the future?
HELP
Sorry this is long but it's hard to explain.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 6:53pm
This sounds all too familiar! I am in a relationship right now with someone who is also very sweet, caring, loves me to death... but he's poor, uneducated and comes from a completely different background. I'm from an upperclass family and highly educated. I care about him so much but deep down I know we're just not meant for each other, it's just not the right fit. But then why does it feel so bad to think about ending it? I know as soon as I do end it he will find himself someone "trashy" as you so kindly put it ;) I hope you are doing well and that I find the strength that you did!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 11:46am

I feel for you, but know that I'm really not that strong. This message board and my girl friends are helping tremendously. I finally decided to end it after the constant pressure from my sweet man to get married. I must mention too that he has been married twice before. I'm afraid that even after a year and a half, there must be something I'm not seeing. Of course, I can always defend him and say it was the wives' fault or he must have learned what NOT to do. That's the problem with women like us. We can always justify what we're doing and who we're with at the time.

I am trying to focus on the real picure now. Thinking about what I know I would say to others in my situation that I have trouble saying to myself. Examples: "You need time for yourself to figure out what to do". "You know this won't last because of the major differences in backgrounds", "Yes, he's sweet and adores you BUT do you want to spend the rest of your life with him", Enjoy your freedom", etc.

I am getting stronger I think though, I hope so!
Best of luck with your situation. YOU know what will be best for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 3:33pm
Wow-- we're living double lives. My bf has also been married twice. I rationalize it by saying it's the women he's been with but then, it just can't be, can it? We had a perfect weekend together though, how can I break up with him now? UGH! You're doing a great job.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2007
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 7:59pm
OMG.... I can so relate to what your going through. I was married for 7 years to an established man an know I am dating someone who is younger, not as educated, not ambitious, and we can a lot of things missing in our relationship. I'm debateing breaking it off, but I feel bad because he has no place to go, furniture, car and family to help him out. I have no idea what to do. But in your situation I can say it sounds like it;s just a little spike of jealousy, not because you truely miss and want him back but because you have seen him with someone new.

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