I broke his heart.. can't forgive myself
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| Tue, 06-20-2006 - 8:19am |
I had written a post before called 'broke up with him but tearing me apart'. But at one point it was 'stolen' by another guest & then locked in 'ask an expert' section.
To make a long story short, I'm 38, separated from my ex husband 2 years now, we were together 13 years, ex bf is 33, went out with him for 10 months, I broke up with him a bit over a month ago.
The reasons I broke up with him were that I still cared about him, I felt like for the last 9 months or so I was in love with him, but then started questioning if he was the one for me. Some red flags and other unconscious stuff I guess, anyway I started feeling very anxious about our relationship, making me literally sick, like my gut was trying to tell me something. I'm still trying to figure out whether it was just anxiety from past relationships that was making me question this one, or was it this relationship that caused all the anxiety. Anyway I knew I couldn't go on, so I broke up. It hurt like hell. But then I started to realize that some red flags I would have a problem dealing with in the long term. Tried discussing it with him, but I don't think you can change a person.
For example, he wasn't very nice to his mother & father, esp. mother i.e. she would ask him to do something and if he didn't feel like it he would refuse. Or he would be short on the phone with her and if she said something he didn't like he would hang up and say stuff like 'what a f'ing idiot'. He was sometimes rude to people who he felt were not ok with him, for instance he told me he told a cashier at a coffee shop 'thank you f*** you' because she didn't serve him in his language and at the end she spoke to him in his language. There are ways to show your unhappy with a service without being rude. And so on. Maybe I'm overreacting but I don't know. My brother was convinced this was not the man for me. Since we broke up, he said some nasty stuff too on email, such as 'I'll be sure to tell the next guy you date to 'stay the f away from that insecure b***ch.'. And right now on his profile on a dating site, it says 'my ex ruined me for relationships so I have no faith in them.. then again she was old lol'. He knew our age difference bothered me so he wrote that knowing I would probably see it. I know he is saying these things because he's hurt. But is it normal?
Also had some different views on finances. I have my own house I bought after my separation, and it's a struggle to stay on top. He lived with me for 6 months and only paid half the groceries. He said he would help more once his 4 wheeler was paid off, his lease on the truck was up, when he was done his 10 week college for electrician block (more salary) etc. But then he said he felt he didn't want to pay on something he didn't get a return on i.e. I think would have liked me to put his name on the mortgage. I think if you live with someone you should share expenses right? I knew right now he couldn't but I was hoping he would at least help a bit more. Before that and now that we're broken up, he was staying at his parents' house cuz he had to sell his after his separation. I didn't feel he was very grateful towards his parents, I would have been so grateful if I were him. Felt like he was taking all that for granted.
I tried a few times since the breakup to explain the reasons for the breakup, thinking maybe he would realize and try to improve, but instead he would get defensive. The last email he told me I had hurt him real bad, that it had brought tears to his eyes, that he wasn't a monster etc. and to stop all contact.
Anyway I'm sorry this was so long, but here is my dilemma.
1) I still have times when I wonder if I did the right decision by leaving, maybe I overreacted? I don't know if it's because a) I still love and miss him, or is it because b)I am lonely and fear not finding any better, or c) I want to make the pain go away for him because I can't forgive myself for breaking his heart?
2) Now I find myself squeezed between sadness of being single again, and a horrible fear of the potential hurt a new relationship would bring, because now I'm afraid that a) I'll be hurt again like my ex-h did by leaving me for an ow, or b) the hurt that is brought on by breaking up with someone.. why did I fall out of love? Am I emotionally immature? Is it normal to be so much in love one day and then start questioning everything to a point of breakup?
Please help me I am really going through a rough time.. and I don't see any light right now

Hi -
I wish I could quote some of your stuff that you had written. But there are definitely red flags in this guy. It seems to me he is verbally abusive and you know that leads to other stuff. If he is like this now, imagine how it will be when you have to live with him 24/7. I know it is hard to let go and face the single life again. But it is better in the long run and who knows you may actually meet someone who is worthy of you.
This guy isn't going to get better. We know it is this off/on thing with guys like him. They can be super sweet and flip the next day. He definitely has all the red flags..Even if you broke up with him, there is no reason for him to say those things like 'b*tch",the "f" word etc. Guy needs to grow up and he never will. You should get out while you can. Sorry..but I had an ex like that and it gets worse. If he treats his mother that way, he will likely treat you the same way.
Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.
Please beleive when I say that to any outsider, this was not right.
hi rapunzele
this guy is totally a "LOSER"...yap you did the right thing...he act so immatured for his age. i'm wondering if ever you marry this guy..i bet yah he'll make your life a leaving hell.
good luck
Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your feedback, it is much needed. It's almost like I need as much reinforcement as I can get, like a 'kick in the butt' so to speak or confirmation that I didn't overreact and made a mistake that I would regret forever.
Spring_Swing, Deep down I know you're right. We did live together however, and he wasn't this way with me.. yet.. but I know they look like red flags. Who knows maybe he never would have gotten that way with me, as long as he was in love anyway, but I know he refuses to correct his behavior so how can it get better esp. once the love has faded you know? There seems to be a concensus that he is immature from most people who know the story.
Wow Sandra..
I was kind of secretly hoping someone would 'dissect' my email the way you did, i.e. comment on each specific concern and / or question that I had. But I honestly didn't think people would take the time to do that. For that I am very grateful.
You know, I will keep this in my 'favorites' and in case I lose it, will even save it in 'word' format. I have also posted on another forum on a totally different site, and their feedback reflect yours. Why can't I just see for myself how wrong this is. I know in time, and with the help of people like you and friends and family, it will come. It is already coming ;) Slowly but surely. My brother gets mad as hell at me for even considering the guy. I guess love is blind huh?
I actually had a loser boyfriend before him for 2.5 months, he was a player, but I didn't see it. And people would tell me - honey in a few months from now you'll actually wonder what the heck you were doing with him. And I didn't really believe it, but you know what, they were right. So now I'm just waiting to get out of the fog and see what other people see. I have to first stop myself from going on this dating site to check out his profile.. it's like an obsession and it just hurts me more and keeps me from letting go.
You actually made me laugh with your line: Sweety, you can close your eyes and point randomly at a group of guys and find better than this one. Ha ha . I thought that was pretty funny.
jaaz meeh.. thanks for reinforcing that fact also. He actually said (after we broke up) that he actually would have married me.. that is how much he loved me. Like Sandra says - is calling someone a 'bit**' loving someone.. even after you break up.. I dunno.
Thanks again all, I know logically he's not right for me, but now I have to stop loving the guy and caring so much. I just need to find how.
Rap