I cannot believe she is doing this to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
I cannot believe she is doing this to me
11
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 4:35pm

So, I don't contact her, and she contacts me to say that her wireless network isn't working at home and she wants me to help her fix it.

I help her fix it, then we talk about her daughter, and her work and stuff, then she says she will write me the check to pay me back.

Basically, she shares intimate details with me about work and her daughter, and then tells me we still cannot be together.

Now I am back at square one and all the emotions come pouring out while I am on the phone with her and she gets mad and hangs up.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 4:54pm

I'm curious, if you're trying to do no contact, why did you answer the phone, or once you answered it, why did you say yes to her request? Let her find someone else to help her! It was wrong of her to ask, but you need to be the one to look out for YOURSELF.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 7:58pm

I have been following your posts because you are about the only guy on here...KUDOS!!! stop helping her...it only brings you pain and as a female i can say that i know that this is one ploy that i would use to keep my ex hanging on (even though he HATES me now) and he would do it...but it would just make me feel worse. cut all ties...

how long have you gone with no contact and how long have you guys been "broken up"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 8:41am


She and I have apart about three weeks so far. I hadn't spoken to her in about five or six days since she went to Florida with her mom and sisters.

When she called, I figured she missed me while she was away and she was talking to me like she kind-of missed me a little.

I sent her a stupid email asking why we are broken up and what I did wrong.

She sent me a reply and I cannot think straight right now. She just doesn't want me anymore.

This is her reply:

Rob... stop it..
you did not do anything wrong. we clash too much..
we tried and tried.. We aren't meant for each other..
I dont feel love for you anymore.. I told you that.
too much has happened. Too much fighting and anger.
everyday.. not once and a while..
please stop it. I am sorry I called you, I will not do that again.
do not call me, do not email me.. you need to get out of this
place. I dont want you to feel like you want to die.
You have a great daughter that needs you here.
stop feeling sorry for yourself.. we have gone over this and
over this.. You wrote me a 9 page letter saying that you understand.
yet you ask me what you did wrong.
I dont want a relationship with fighting all the time.. I do not love
you like you love me. Is that ok with you... ??? It should not be.
you will find someone that loves you as much as you love them.
that is what you deserve.
Stop trying to change yourself for me... If you want to change yourself,
let it be for you.
Please stop doing this to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 8:57am

rob, you can do it. you really need to try to do no contact. it's hard i know, but sometimes there really isn't a reason why people break up, believe me, i find that hard to accept, but i'm in the same boat as you.

it would be easier if they cheated or started dating someone right away, because then you can see the actual reason, but in both our cases, there isn't a tangible one.

chin up. one day at a time. every time you want to pick up the phone and call or sit down at the computer and email her, think to yourself, why am i doing this? is this person worth it? did they give back to me as much as i did to them?

keep posting here, it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:04am

Rob,
I'm very sorry you're going through this heartache, at the same time, I want you to really understand it is time to start letting go of this so you can actually heal and learn. Her email to you really says it all and says so much more to me about the condition of your relationship with her than I think you may have even realized.

I disagree with ccheckers that there was 'no reason' for your breakup, there was a very tangible reason and maybe you didn't see it: She mentions arguing on a daily basis. You may have thought it was banter, you may have thought it was debate or even just typical bickering, but it's very obvious that whatever you thought it was, your ex most definitely saw it as arguing and that *will* erode away any love there may have been over a period of time. Now you know there are better and healthier ways to discuss a disagreement. You also mentioned calling her child insulting names, I believe. Why on earth you would do that is quite beyond me, but apparently, that was the very final straw for her, and that, as you can imagine with your own daughter, is a quite valid reason in and of itself.

These are all very tangible, very valid, very regrettable and very *real* reasons to break up, in my opinion, especially if she ever tried to address the arguing with you, saying it was too much, that she wanted it to stop, if she ever asked for the two of you to go to counseling and you didn't think it was necessary. (I'm guessing here.) If she didn't, then that's another unhealthy dynamic that she will need to address in her own healing. Don't ever think it was so easy for her to walk away, I'm sure it wasn't, but for both your sakes', it seems as though it was inevitable at this point, the way you were going.

Your job now is to take what's happened in this relationship and *learn from it* Learn what to do, what NOT to do, what you do and do not want in a future relationship, and what is a boundary both for yourself and for a partner. That is the very best you can do at this point. You're going to feel sorrow, regret, guilt, possibly shame and a whole slew of other emotions that you will have to work through. Over the past almost year I've worked through similar emotions, for similar reasons. Let's just say that my "out of the blue" breakup wasn't so out of the blue in retrospect. There are always reasons. I had not been the best partner I could be for my ex or for anyone, for that matter. I've been working on that ever since, learning, growing, and improving and I will continue to work on that *for myself* as your ex suggested for you, because I deserve a great relationship, just like you do as well. I deserve to *create* a great relationship. Take the last sentence and tatoo it across your mind and heart. Now I have a strong feeling I know how to do that. LEARN from this to be the best partner you can know how to be to someone, because *that* is the birth of a great relationship.

I'm going to say something and I want you to take comfort but not hope from it: From her email to you, which I'm sure it hit you like a ton of bricks, I can tell she cares deeply for you as a person and I can tell she had a hard time writing it. The truth is that she as a woman is now taking a firm stand finally and saying 'no more,' she won't be involved in a relationship again where there is so much arguing. Take your first lesson from those words. She deserves better than that, and so do you.

Best,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:44am

Rob --

Even though the "It's called a breakup becaues it's broken" book is more intended from a female perspective, it was written by a husband and wife team, and there are a lot of excerpts from the guy's point of view. It really is a helpful book and I would recommend it to you.

Honestly, I think she was using you by asking you to help fix things. She took advantage of the feelings that she knows you have for her. That's fair for her to do. It's OK for you to be angry about that. In fact, it might be good for you to be angry about that.

No contact is hard, but it beats the pain of seeing them, talking to them, hoping that things will change. Re-run in your head all of those fights that you had with her if you need to have some strength. Imagine what it would be like to be with someone who loved you as much as you love her. Imagine what it would be like to be with someone who didn't fight with you every single day. You have to be free of this one before you can get yourself together, work on who you are and be ready for Ms. Right to walk through the door.

I'm determined to go to the gym this evening -- want to join me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:16am

Hi!

This is hurtful and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation.

Gf does the push-pull thing for 18 months, then acts nuts, goes on a business trip in November, comes back and we're sort of not going out. She pushed and pushed for some commitment and when I finally said "ok" she started acting anxious, needy, accusing me of "abandoning" her when I said goodnight before her business trip. Then over Christmas we talk, she's still talking about the future "we should do this, we should do that..."

Finally the Valentine's Day week, she gives me a gift, she sends me a Valentine's email, we have coffee...then over the next weekend we chat. But she doesn't show up for our weekly dance club social.

I ask where she's been lately. She tells me---while at the gym..."Oh I haven't been going lately because I"m seriously dating someone. We weren't good friends like you and I so there's a bit of conflict, but want the same things..." I'm stunned.

Mate...I cut it off...100% But before I did we had 3 weeks of email contact where we laid into each other. She went from telling me I was the greatest relationship she HAD...to how having a relationship with me was "hopeless"...to admitting she never talked things out or tried to compromise...

How's THAT for conflicted??? Finally 2 weeks ago I wrote my final email and said goodbye. This serious bf thing...that crushed me...

Suddenly last week, she starts showing up for dancing---twice in one week. I leave. She forwards a flyer for an upcoming concert..."Guess you might be interested....You don't have to avoid me..."

Tonight...I go to our dance social...AGAIN she's there....so I leave.

Here's some smart advice....NEVER EVER CONTACT HER AGAIN....it's a drug. She's conflicted and being in love with a conflicted person is torture. You can't get free unless you give up the drug.

I tell people it's over. I leave when I see her. She seems to go more often now.....I just leave. I leave because I don't want her to see me, and I don't want to see her.

It's no win....If I would have answered her last email asking "Am I not worthy to be seen?" it would have set me back horribly.

If I would have blasted her....and said "NO YOU"RE NOT WORTHY..." Then I'm an angry jerk.

If I would have said "Please don't write..." then I'm a love-lorn puppy....

Read Steven Carter's "He's Scared She's Scared." It gives you everything you need to know on how to get out and recover from your very situation.

It starts with NO CONTACT. Not for her...but for your own sanity.

From your email, it's clear your head is spinning and full of ideas, sorrow, anger. The more you see her, the more you keep getting caught up in your partner's conflicted behaviour, you'll never break free.

Stop being so nice. Stop being so available and start being more self-protective.

I feel bad....but at least I'm not catering to my conflicted ex-gf's ego by letting her hae access to me and her "serious" bf.

I'd be a mess if I spoke to her. I ignore her at the gym...or go sooner. I ignore her at our club which is trickier. But I realized when I left as upset as I was seeing her, I felt better at not being there.

When I'm ready I will go back and completely ignore her if I stay, for now, I can't stay.

Please be strong and come here if you want to talk DON"T go to her to talk.

Cheers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:17am


Sandra, thank you so much for your words of wisdom.

I know what she is saying yet, somehow, I choose to ignore it and try to find some other reason.

The reason is simple, as you say and she said, we fight too much and I took out some of that anger and put it onto her children. I know I cannot get mad at the children of the woman I love, say mean things to them, and expect her to stay with me.

Yes, her email to me hit me like a ton of bricks, especially as the night before, I thought we had a good conversation on the phone and I thought she was feeling like maybe we could work on things. Maybe, last night, she thought we could try to patch things, but then, after a nights sleep on it, she decided we couldn't and sent this email to me.

I need to learn from this because, that's why these things happen, for us to learn from them.

Thanks again. I know she loves me and wishes the best for me but, right now, it cannot be with her because of all the pain I put her through.

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:29am


Thanks for your response. I just have to do stuff and get back to me. It's a good thing I have my daughter with me. She has been strong through all this, not me. I need to be strong for her and myself.

I really do appreciate all the help everyone has been giving me here.

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:35am


Thanks a bunch.

I am sorry you are going through this as well. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts. It makes me feel like, I am not alone.

I know I need to not contact her at all, no matter what.

I am trying to be strong and not contact her.

Rob

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