I cannot take him back this time

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2003
I cannot take him back this time
1
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:53pm

In 2004, I began seeing a separated married Pastor.  I’m 43, he’s 58. I know it was wrong.  His wife left the church and moved out of their home. A year later I inquired about the status of his divorce…only to find out divorce papers were never filed.  I decided to end the relationship.  Over the next several months, he begged me to take him back, told me how much he loved me and wanted a future together…he just needed more time to get divorced.  I took him back…..only to find out months later divorce papers were never filed. This cycle would repeat itself over and over again over the years.  Our relationship has always been a secret.  He definitely does not want his church, wife or grown children to know he’s seeing someone or thinking about moving on. 

In 2010, I gave birth to our son.  Of course he wants to keep the child secret. He still says in time we’ll be together.  In the meantime, he seems more than happy to establish a secret life with us.  He visits, plays with our son and try to be my lover.  This is so unfulfilling.  I’m unhappy. The hiding and secrets are driving me crazy.  He doesn’t provide much financial support.  On an average I get $100 a month.  He asked my not to file for child support because it could damage his image (Pastor) and people would find out about our child.  In foolish ways I have been trying to protect him because he is in the ministry. Our son has my maiden name.

Once again, I’ve dumped him.  I’d rather raise my son without his involvement than deal with the drama he brings.  Of course he’s back begging and accusing me of not being an understanding person. I just can’t take him back this time.  According to him we have a good thing going.

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 4:06pm

mschris2003 wrote:
<p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:Times New Roman; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman','serif'"><span style="font-size:small"><span style="color:#000000">In 2004, I began seeing a separated married Pastor.<span>  </span>I’m 43, he’s 58. I know it was wrong.<span>  </span>His wife left the church and moved out of their home. A year later I inquired about the status of his divorce…only to find out divorce papers were never filed.<span>  </span>I decided to end the relationship.<span>  </span>Over the next several months, he begged me to take him back, told me how much he loved me and wanted a future together…he just needed more time to get divorced.<span>  </span>I took him back…..only to find out months later divorce papers were never filed. This cycle would repeat itself over and over again over the years.<span>  </span>Our relationship has always been a secret.<span>  </span>He definitely does not want his church, wife or grown children to know he’s seeing someone or thinking about moving on.<span>  </span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:Times New Roman; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman','serif'"><span style="font-size:small"><span style="color:#000000">In 2010, I gave birth to our son. <span> </span>Of course he wants to keep the child secret. He still says in time we’ll be together.<span>  </span>In the meantime, he seems more than happy to establish a secret life with us.<span>  </span>He visits, plays with our son and try to be my lover.<span>  </span>This is so unfulfilling.<span>  </span>I’m unhappy. The hiding and secrets are driving me crazy.<span>  </span>He doesn’t provide much financial support.<span>  </span>On an average I get $100 a month.<span>  </span>He asked my not to file for child support because it could damage his image (Pastor) and people would find out about our child.<span>  </span>In foolish ways I have been trying to protect him because he is in the ministry. Our son has my maiden name.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:Times New Roman; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman','serif'"><span style="font-size:small"><span style="color:#000000">Once again, I’ve dumped him.<span>  </span>I’d rather raise my son without his involvement than deal with the drama he brings.<span>  </span>Of course he’s back begging and accusing me of not being an understanding person. I just can’t take him back this time.<span>  </span>According to him we have a good thing going.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:Times New Roman; font-size:small"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman','serif'"><span style="color:#000000; font-size:small"> </span></span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:Times New Roman; font-size:small"> </span></p>

 

You need to stop enabling this foolish man.

He of all people knows that the truth will never, ever stay buried--it very nature forces it into the light.

Thing is, his church will not throw him out and his ministry will not be destroyed. It will be inconvenienced for a little while and he may lose some of the people who go to his church, but mark my words, there are more than enough people in that church that will stand by him and all the eff-ery he's been engaging in with you and say that you were the Jezebel who lured him away from his wife and tried to tempt him away from righteousness---and he will sit up in the middle of that and take cover from you and his child behind it. That's what cowards do and he is a coward.

File for child support--your son deserves to be supported by BOTH of you.