I cant do this

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
I cant do this
1
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:10pm
I am in love with an emotionally unavailable man. We dated for almost two years. We live together and have been for over a year. Since we started dating, he has never been there for me emotionally. At first, the sex was great and he was so nice. But once he got comfortable, the sex stopped, he started saying some mean and hurtful things. When I would get upset, he would cry and say he's sorry. This was a reoccuring fight throughout our relationship. I would ask him, "do you love me?" and he was say yes. I would ask why and he would say, "b/c you cook for me, clean for me, I like your companionship" I told him to get a dog if he was looking for companionship. At one point, he wanted to separate b/c he said that he cant love me the way I deserve to be loved and I knew that was true but the thought of losing him was unbearable. I clung on to him for life and told him that as long as he loved me, even if it wasnt how I wanted to be loved that I would accept that. I know, stupid. I was desperate. I think this stems from being abandoned as a child and always fighting for love that this seemed normal to me. Well, almost a year later we still do not have sex but once a month, he never compliments me, he kicks me when Im down (not literally), he's distant, he will be online or watch tv before spending quality time with me, we dont talk in the car, we dont do anything...the list goes on. I was talking to some married friends of mine who said that his behavior is unacceptable and I deserve better. It hit me again....yes, I do. Why cant he love me? So, I sat down with him one night and told him that I love him and want to work things out but I think we need to go see a therapist and if he loved me and wanted this relationship to work, I would hope he would consider it. OR, when our lease is up, we go our separate ways. Now, I was foolish to think that he would really consider counseling. I really really thought he loved me, just didnt know how to show it. Yesterday, I called him and we talked about what his decision was and he said that he could never see himself married to me. Well, in my head, I know that I could never marry someone who wasnt supportive and there for me. But it hurt to hear him say that. I asked him if he loved me. He said love is not black and white. To me, it is. You either love someone and are willing to work it out or you dont and its time to move on. He said, well then..NO, I dont love you. Last night after I got home I went into where he was and I told him that I dont hate him and even though he doesnt love me, I wish him happiness. I told him that I will probably be walking around crying and upset but dont worry about me. I am just dealing with the man I love telling me he doesnt love me anymore. I asked him if he did at one time and he said yes. I wanted to probe and ask why..why dont you love me? But I know better than anyone that sometimes you just lose that and you dont know why and I know he is not intentionally trying to hurt me. He wants to be my friend. I cannot. We live in the same apartment. He is sleeping on the couch now. I am trying to get out of our lease. I am broken. My heart is full of pain. I cant stop crying. I feel abandoned once again but I should have known in the beginning that I had an emotionally unavailable man and why did I think I could change him? I have had b/f's in the past who loved me like a queen and I hated it and broke up with them. Here I have one that couldnt love me, and I love him to death. What is wrong with that picture? I dont know how much more pain I can handle in this lifetime.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:40pm

Hi lakotagirl,


I posted a reply on the other board, but this post seems more desparate.