i cant do this anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
i cant do this anymore
8
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:30am
My boyfriend of 6 years and I broke up. We are long distance, and while he was in Japan he had a relationship with another girl. He said they never had sex, and I believe him. I feel myself wanting to forgive him, and I want to work it out with him. I love him so much. He told me he thinks about me all the time and I mean everything to him, but he broke up with me because he is absolutely terrified of hurting me again. Well, I have been devastated, so lost in depression I started to get scared of being alone with myself, scared of what I would do. I feel like I have lost everything, like... well, I am heartbroken basically. I finally decided I would just tell him how I feel, tell him that I want to forgive him for cheating on me, and that I want to work it out with him. I feel like people make mistakes, and I don't want his to end us. But now, I can't get ahold of him. It seems like for the past couple weeks, every weekend he disappears. I don't necessarily think he is doing anything bad, but it upsets me. I know technically we aren't together and so he isn't obligated to tell me where he is (right?), but I am still upset. I just want to tell him how I feel, and then let go of him, if I have to. I am so sick of fighting. I feel like I just want him to be the man he used to be, the man I need him to be. But I wasn't the one that did anything wrong here, so why am I the one fighting for this? Shouldn't he be the one to do all the fighting and apologizing? I'm just so afraid that if I wait for him to fight, I'll be waiting forever. I am so scared. And then, whenever I feel like I am starting to do better emotionally, we talk, and I get all confused and upset again. So like I said, I was going to tell him all this and then just let him go, kinda. Really let him do all the fighting, if he wanted to. I just... I really can't do this anymore. I can't fight without him fighting with me, I can't... I can't wait for him to be the man I need him to be. But I love him so much, and I am terrified of being alone and not having him in my life. I just don't know what to do. And now I can't get ahold of him. I feel so lost and so... hopeless. I'm sorry this was so long and kind of jumbled, it doesn't make a lot of sense, but nothing in my life really does. I can't eat, I don't have any motivation to do anything but lay on my couch. I think about him constantly, what he is doing, thinking, feeling, everything. I want to call him over and over again during the day. I want to get on my knees and beg him to take me back. Even though he cheated on me, isn't that pathetic? I mean, how dumb am I that I am so desperate to be with somebody who hurt me so bad? How do I get over this? I can't even breathe I am so depressed. And I know that I should just let go, let things cool down, whatever. Let him come to his senses or whatever, but I don't know if I can. I am so scared that he won't make the step that I don't ever let him, I just do it for him. I have nobody to talk to that understands. Because we are long distance, and he cheated but never had sex with the girl, it wasn't ok, but I kind of understand what happened. I want to forgive him but I don't know how much I really trust him, even though I believe what he tells me. We have been together so long, we got together when I was 15 and in another year I was supposed to move up to be with him. Now, I don't know how to be alone or anything. I've lost my entire future, and my past. I feel so sad, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I can't let him go, I feel so trapped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 8:57am

So sorry to hear about your pain. I am going through it myself although not at your level.

Re: your ex. This is MY opinion and you are free to disagree. I think that people only cheat if they feel that something is lacking in the relationship or that they can deal with the consequences of their actions. Your ex cheated on you b/c consciously or sub-consciously, he no longer wanted to be with you. That's why he did it and that's why he told you about it. He says he wants to break up with you b/c he doesn't want to hurt you again. That may be true to some extent, but I also believe he broke up with you so he could be free to see other women or to take things further with the other woman.

I'm sure he feels guilty for hurting you and does not like seeing you hurt, but that is no reason to take him back. You already said so yourself - you should not be the one fighting for this relationship. You should not be the one asking him to take you back. You should forgive him b/c it will help you move on, not so you can get back together with him.

You say you can't get ahold of him. Sure, he may be busy, but it's could also be that he is screening your calls because he doesn't want to talk to you. He could be going out on dates on the weekends.

I know you don't want to hear any of these things and I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but I really don't think it is in your best interests to continue to call your ex. Everytime you do, and everytime he doesn't answer, you will just feel worse.

Do you have girlfriends you can go out with? Family to talk to? I've been talking the ears off of my mom, sisters and girl friends. They have helped immensely. Sure, I'm also doing what you do... I sit on the couch wondering what my ex is up to, think about getting back together (we were also LDR), want to call him, etc. but then I remind myself that it's not beneficial to me to hold onto something that is over.

If you guys are meant to be together, he'll come around. In the meantime, focus on yourself and do not call him anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 9:23am

hi there,

I understand the pain you are going thru... I too was in a LDR and he started seeing someone else. It's the worst pain, I know. But now is the time you are going to have to take care of yourself and stop wishing, hoping and praying he'll call, change his mind, turn back into the loving guy you once knew.

I agree with mamacita888, if he wanted to, he'd find a way to take your calls/call you, not avoid you. If you let this incident slide and take him back in your life, you're giving him the green light to do it again to you if he comes crawling back missing you. Don't put yourself thru that immense torture again... you know how horrible it feels now! I know how it feels to want to fight for it, to feel like you're left empty-handed and will take any scrap from him, but don't. He should want to contact you, make sure you're #1. And he's not.

Feeling terrified to be alone is natural- you've been with him for 6 years. But you will survive, you can do it, people do it every day. It's a slow process, but you have to remind yourself you will be free of the fighting, drama and uncertainty of "what is he doing now?" in a LDR.

So how do you do this? Baby steps. Don't beat yourself up... read, keep yourself busy, post on here, talk to friends/family, see a counselor... whatever it takes. Keep us posted on your status, ok?? :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 9:25am

I am so sorry that this happened to you. The stages of grief that you are experiencing are much like what happens after the death of a loved one. In some ways I think break-ups like yours are even worse because the person that was the cause of so much pain is still very much alive, they just have chosen not to be with you.

There is a book that I would recommend "He's just not that into You" - it kind of cements what is being said on this message board. There is no easy way to get to the other side after a break-up. Some days you will think you've got the heartbreak conquered, and other days it will come down on you like a black curtain of despair. I have found it helpful to type out my feelings on this board, especially if you don't want to continue to burden friends and family with your anguish.

It is natural to feel like you've lost your past and your future after a break-up. I'm sure he appears in your picture albums over and over again -that you know so much about him and he is your best friend. I personally think that after a break-up like yours, the "friends" relationship doesn't ever work. You will constantly hold in your mind that there is a possibility of getting back together.

I wouldn't believe for one minute that there was no "sex" I think you've got to cross the bridge when you can in your own head. Sorry to be harsh, and of course that is my personal opinion...I also think that the betrayal of having an emotional affair - sharing those things that you two used to share with another woman is even more hurtful than having an affair that was just physical.

Just keep typing your feelings out. Some days will be pure hell. Take comfort in the fact that there are lots of people that go through this and manage to survive, find love and contentment in their lives. I wish you all the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 4:47pm

Hi, welcome.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 8:58pm

Hello hs_needshelp, I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 11:27am

I am so sorry you are going through this but I do feel your pain because it sounds like you don't have full closure because he isn't returning your calls. Well....welcome to my world, my ex wasn't man enough to officially end our relationship, he just didn't return my calls almost two weeks and I have not called him. The last message I left him was to ask him why is acting like this and to give me a call. I told him I didn't want to fight, I just wanted answers. Well....never received a call and his friends don't understand his behavior. Instead of calling him and telling him that I am moving on because he doesn't deserve me, I text msg one of his friends that understands what I am going through and told him that my ex hasn't gotten back to me yet and I am assuming he doesn't want me in his life anymore so I am moving on. This was closure for me and hopefully, he has passed that on to my ex. I was able to get semi closure without having any contact with my ex even though there are still a lot of unanswered questions on why he did this to me and I will probably go to my grave not getting those answers. My suggestion to you is to let it go and not call him but if you feel that you need some closure, write him a letter instead of calling because most likely he won't pick up the phone. You are much better without a cheater in your life and someone who isn't man enough to have the guts to tell you goodbye.

Good luck and I am here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 5:27pm
hey everybody,
thanks for your replies. i went camping, which was nice, because i was out of cell phone range for a week. i also talked to a counselor right before i left, which was also good. she recommended a book to me called surviving the loss of a love, which is hard to read (emotionally), but its helping me feel as if i'm not alone or this will never get better. you are all right, i need to just stop trying to contact him. it really sunk in when i got back into town today and i have been out of town for 3 days and he didnt call or text or email. yeah... its over, isn't it? sigh... its been really hard. and as soon as i got back into town i wanted to call him, but guess what? i called my best friend instead. first of all, it hurts me too much to talk to him, and second of all, whoever said it said it best, he isn't asking for my forgiveness or anything. he obviously doesn't want it. and actions do speak louder than words. he might say i mean the world to him, but when he doesn't call me for a week after i've been trying obsessively... yeah, i don't really mean much to him, i guess. it's just so hard because i expected so much better from him after 6 years. i still wish this wouldn't have happened, and i still love him, i think i always will, but now i really am trying to focus on me. i need to get better for me. i am no longer having suicidal thoughts, thank you for worrying about me, by the way. i just felt so alone and so... helpless. like, nobody else could know how i felt, no matter what anybody said. like... it was too much to bear. but that book i mentioned, well, i feel like it was written for me. and since its not, i know other people have felt like this, and survived. so i can too. i still cry a lot, and think about him constantly. but i know i am better than that now, he doesn't deserve me if he is going to treat me like this. i deserve better. but i still wish this just wouldn't have happened...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 6:43pm

I am glad to hear that you are not contacting him and I agree, it is so hard at times to go on. My ex hasn't returned my phone calls in a week and half and I am still left without answers but you are correct, that your ex doesn't deserve you and you deserve better and I am sure you will after your heart heals. Stick by those girlfriends and your family during this difficult time. It totally sticks how ONE person can have such an affect on our life both positive and negative but our lives will go on without our jerk exes. I am reading "It is a breakup because it is broken" it is by the same guy who wrote "He just isn't into you". I was up until 3:00 this morning reading and it did lift my spirits since the two authors are on our side.

I wish you the best and keep smiling even though a cry is also good during this difficult time.