I can't get angry?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I can't get angry?
2
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 10:00am

I haven't posted in awhile, which is good, it means I'm slowly moving on.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 10:57am

Is it maybe that you are so wrapped up in denial that you aren't angry? Logically you know that you two are broken up and not together, but feelings and emotions are not logical. You still feel like you are together, just seperated on a break for some reason. You're still emotionally attached to him (fiance for 5 years that's understandable!) and those emotions don't switch off immediately because of logic.

I ask because of some specific things you've said.

"I almost don't want to throw it away because it means we really are over"

No. Him dumping you means you are really over. Getting rid of the ring means you accept it. Denial.

"I love him, and I know he loves me, the relationship just didn't work, there were so many things that prevented us from being happy."

It's true that love isn't enough. But, if two people love each other enough they take any means necessary to ensure there is NOT anything preventing their happiness. This directly links into the denial of the next point:

"I tell myself that he loved me so much that he let me go."

Denial. You are making excuses for him, keeping him from being the "bad guy". But then you logically know that YOU aren't the bad guy. So you're left with no bad guy, no one to be mad at.

You can't get angry because you don't hold him in any blame. You make excuses for him, placing him in some sort of martyr status. "He loved me so much that he let me go"?!? Uhm, no, he didn't love you enough to do what ever it took to keep you in his life.

You are confussed because you aren't being true to yourself. You aren't being honest with yourself. You are betraying yourself by not putting the fault on him where it belongs. Which ties into the next point:

"Then I feel bad that I didn't stay and try harder to make things work. But it wasn't me that had the issues? Or was it?"

If you aren't placing the fault on him, you start placing it on yourself. Yes, you chould have stayed and tried harder, so it's reasonable to go there in the thought process. There were only two people involved here. Logically if it's not him it's got to be you. Confussion. Because you know it's not your fault.

Bottom line. No, you are not insane. You're a girl still in love. We tend to make excuses when we shouldn't for the man we're in love with. You want to get mad? Get honest with yourself about what happened to you, and about who he really is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:24am

My boyfriend broke up with me just over a week ago. While this is still pretty fresh for me, and I don't have much insight or advice, I will share what little experience I have with you.

Although we weren't engaged, there are a lot of things that he gave me over the course of our relationship. I know that my little trinkets pale in comparison to the sentimental value of an engagement ring, but I too wanted to keep all these things as a reminder of my time with him. I, too, cherish that time, even though right now it hurts me to think of it. I do not think wanting to keep it is wrong, but you are right that it is keeping you attached to him. I had to put all of my ex's things in a box in storage where I would not be constantly reminded of him. (As if I could forget anyway.) Maybe you could keep the ring but put it somewhere you won't see it for a very long time. Also, I had to return all the Christmas gifts I had bought for him. Like you, I thought that doing so meant we were really over. Looking back I realize it didn't mean we were over, it meant I had to accept that we are.

Reading your post, I kept thinking to myself "were we dating the same man?" As much as I hate to admit it, as hard as it is to admit it, I probably would have ended up unhappy if we got married. Like your relationship, we had issues that would have prevented us both from being as happy as we could. I now know that I was delusional to think that if I loved him enough, if I tried hard enough, if I could only make him love me enough, that all those issues would disappear. He would see what a wonderful person I am, fix all his problems, and do whatever it takes to make us work - right? Wrong. For the last 12 years I thought he was the one I was meant to be with. That's why it was so hard to accept that he was telling me it's over. I am currently reading a book that says the simple act of him leaving you means he is not the one. You are not the only person to think that love can conquer anything.

You are also right that he does have a phone, he knows your email address, where you live, where you work, where you play. If he really wanted YOU to take HIM back, he would be in touch. I know that's a hard truth to accept. That's the part I am currently having a difficult time with.

One of the reasons my ex left me was because he didn't think he could make me happy. He also did not have a job for the longest time. We tried to work on that, or I should say, I tried to work on that. It ended up dividing us more than it brought us together. I learned that you cannot make a man do anything. He has to want it, he has to work on it, and if he's not 100% willing, there is no chance. I don't think there is any way to get "unconfused." I've been trying. It's not working. The fact is that you are not in his head, you cannot understand his logic. There is probably nothing more that he can say to you to make you understand. I spent hours on the phone with my ex the day after he broke up with me trying to get him to explain it. I thought I understood, but once I hung up that phone I was left with more questions then answers. Over time, I think your brain will just get tired and stop trying to process it. At least, I hope so.

I do not know why you aren't angry at him. If my fiance of 5 years suddenly walked away from me, I would be furious. I am extremely angry at my boyfriend of 2 and a half years for leaving me. I find it's slowly helping me move on. But, I still haven't figured out if anger is the right emotion to use to move on. Maybe there isn't a right or wrong way to feel. But right now it seems to be working, so I am going to use it.

One piece of advice my ex gave me from the beginning of our relationship is this - you should not get into a relationship with someone hoping that you can change them. I should have taken that to mean he had issues and left him right then and there. But foolishly, I thought that if only I could show him how great love is, he'll change. Once he started letting me down, asking for money, etc, I started to feel a bit used and I lost the passion too. I tried to love and accept him for who he was thinking one day things would be different. He would see how much I care for him, the lengths I would go for him. Things were never different. My point is that if you were anything like me, you probably couldn't have tried harder than you did. It sounds to me that like my ex, he didn't try hard enough. The issue was his, not yours. The sooner you can realize that you did what you could, he didn't, and get angry at that, the sooner you will find that YOU did not fail.

It is not up to you to reach out to him. He has to want to make a change for the relationship to work. By leaving you, by not contacting you, it means that he doesn't.