I can't get the jerk out fo my mind

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
I can't get the jerk out fo my mind
10
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:13pm

So, my boyfriend of about 7 months and I had a terrible ending a little bit over a week ago. Basically he came over and we talked and he told me he was unwilling to be faithful to just me and I would have to accept it. I told him he was toxic and to get out, had to push him out the door. On the way out the door he laughed and told me he was going to go see my friend (actually ex-friend, he slept with her 2 months prior, and I gave him another chance).

Now we haven't spoken since then. I received one sms from him 2 nights ago asking if I just called but thats it. I know he is jerk, the list is endless, believe me. I have no intention of getting back together with him, but I feel I have all this bad energy running through me because of him. On one hand, I feel a quite vengeful, and on the other I want him to be ok, and I would like to call him and tell him that.

I think I am crazy but i hate what he is doing to me. I don't think I am depressed, just angry, but this isn't a good feeling either. I don't know whether to call with an olive branch or just continue to be angry. I don't like myself like this. I haven't always remained friends with my exes but we have been civil. Of course none of them treated me like this guy. Any advice?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:24pm

I don't know WHY you'd want to stay in touch with someone like that! So I vote an emphatic NO on the olive branch!

Anger is one of the stages of grief and you have to go through it to come out the other side.

It's going to take some time before he's off your mind (more than a little over a week, that's for sure). Remember, "the only way out is through", and each time you contact him or allow him to contact you (even if you don't respond) it sends you back to the starting point.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:28pm

Advice: Don't' talk to him ever again. Really, it' not hard to do when you love yourself more than the other guy ;)

You need to feel this anger because it's righteous. The nerve of him coming to you and saying you have to accept it. Well, you can accept he's not going to be monogamous, but you don't' have to allow it into your life, so good for you for kicking him to the curb when he came out with that stupid nonsense. Like your'e supposed to just what, sit there and take it? Oh no. No no no.

If you want to get rid of the angry feelings, put them to work for you: Work out, punch a punching bag, run, do weights, paint a room, rearange your furniture, redo the kitchen, I mean really physical stuff and get the anger out that way, it's just adrenaline anyway.

And no, we don't want him to "be okay." Hello, he cheated on you and told you you were going to need to like that if you wanted to stay with him? Some people have open relationships, but they come by them honestly and he can't even do that, plus it's obviously not what you want, so that's all there is to it. We don't wish ill on anyone because that's just how fabulous we are, but we just don't care about this one anymore. Get that one going through your head, too.

Oh yeah, try this one on for size: I don't speak to nor ever intend to speak to my ex-husband of nine years again. Not all exes are worth being friends with. Really, it's better to be a little selective about your friends ;)

I'm not really a hateful person ;) but I just don't like when this kind of thing happens and then the woman is the one trying to put things right when she wasn't the one who messed things up to begin with. So my final advice to you: When you actually value yourself, other people will, too.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 2:27pm

As I was reading your post I just had to reply, because I have been there. I had a disrespectful ex bf and when I finally ended it, I tried to be civil even thinking that maybe we could talk from time to time. I felt that if I had spent time with this person I didn't just want to completly cut him out of my life.

No, no , no..all ex's aren't the same and shouldn't be treated the same. If your ex wasn't respectful, considerate of you what makes you think that he will be now as friends/associates...he won't be. After trying to work it out after he cheated, he had nerve to throw that up in your face. He hasn't learned anything, and definitely hasn't changed for the better. Everytime you even think about calling to see how he's doing, think about how he laughed and said that he would just go see that other woman. He is such a waste of time, energy, effort. Give yourself a hug from not putting up with his crap anymore and kicking him out when you did...that already showed that you have love for yourself and you know whats most important..YOU..stick to that!

Now you feel like you want HIM to be ok. Was he worried about you when he was cheating...no. Its hard to swallow sometimes but that is the type of person he is, his character is weak and its pointless trying to get through to a person like that. No he's not worth it and I know the feelings don't just automatically go away but, you have to put yourself first. Its been over 4 months of NC for me and everyday its not always easy but, i'm so glad that I haven't made contact with my ex. He was so toxic.

YOU are the only one who matters, get yourself happy again and realize that he is not worthy of you at all, not even worthy of any futher contact from you. He had many chances that he blew,now its time for you to let him go, take the lessons learned from this and be a better, wiser, more self-aware woman. You can do it, and you are worth it, always remember that! If you get the urge to call him please call someone else or come to the boards and post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 2:35pm

lvlyleyla,


In addition to the excellent advice you got from Sheri and Sandra....I just gotta add my 2 cents.


First, here's a (((HUG))) you should be mad and if that anger hasn't spilled over into tears, let it do so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 2:46pm
Thank you . .. I know I am just being a supid girl . . . I just can't stand to feel a "personal" hatred towards people and generally don't but right now I have one deep down to the core. Belive me, I am not looking to get back together with this guy, just to get rid of this feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 7:55pm
I am going through the same exact thing & I feel the same exact way you do. I'm very angry & I hate my ex for what he did to me too. I can't stop thinking about it either. We were engaged and he was on the phone with his ex 10 times a day for 45 minutes sometimes. What was he talking about? I have no idea but it was emotional cheating in my book. Then after I kicked him out I found out he had a myspace page with all these girls on there. He probaly did cheat on me andI'll never know but that was close enough for me. I hate how he brought out the worst in me because he only cared about himself. He antagonized me and laughed in my face too. Then the icing on the cake was I lent him 700 to buy plane tickets for his kids to come & visit him & while they were staying with us he treated me like dirt & actaully told me he wasn't paying me back & stuck his tongue out at me and was laughing.
These kinds of men don't deserve people like us. I'm a good person and I let him bring me down long enough (a year) I'm young (34) and I'll get over this & be wiser the next time. Actions speak volumes and his actions were shady, disrespectful and self centered and I'm gald he's gone. I have to keep telling myself that but I'm angry and sometimes part of me longs for an apoligy from him but I'll never get it because he only thinks about himself. I have to accept that.
What's helped me is typing letters to him & typing fast & hard. I sent one to him last week & I tore him apart & it felt very good. I will not send another but I keep typing them. Sometimes it's ok to just tell someone like that off because they deserve it.
If you ever want to talk or vent send me an email or something because I do know what you're going through and it's good to know your not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 10:34pm

Hi,

Thank you so much for responding. I am sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. I understand exactly what you are going through. My ex has a son, and he is a lousy father, meets women on the myspace, etc. The only good thing is he is not very good at hiding these things so I figured it out pretty easily. I loaned him money, about $1000, but thankfully he was only $50 short of paying me back when I threw him out.

I don't know why I bothered with him, but when I see a person in need, I try to help. The list of his flaws are endless and I realize I can do much better. Both of us can do much better, but the anger is the difficult part. I don't know how much time it will take. I have not wrote him as I think it will give him satisfaction. When I think of calling him, I tend to write his flaws down and the reread them, and that tends to work. How did your letter work out? Did you get a response? Let me know if you want to vent or talk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 10:51pm

I'm sure the letter didn't work out too good. I didn't get a response and I most likely won't. It was a mistake writing it but it sure felt good at the time. It's hard admitting this but it's almost like I want him to call me and say sorry & he misses me or something along those lines even though I know he's not right for me. His flaws are endless too and there are probaly things I don't even know about that he did to me behind my back. The best thing about this weekend was I didn't call him or text him one time. And I left my phone in my friends car oon Friday night & I told her to keep it until tomorrow so I wouldn't be tempted to call him.
It's just so frustrating & hard and I think the worst part is finding the myspace thing with all the girls on there & he actually put his mood was horny on his page today. It makes me sick. We were engaged & we broke up 6 days ago & he is behaving like this like I was nothing to him. I almost think he's doing it to push my buttons as he always did.
Pushing buttons is not something you do to someone who you say you love. It's evil & cruel and just goes to show what a jerk he really is and how he didn't care about me at all.
The weekend was the worst. I had to keep busy with my sister & friend but all I wanted to do was drown myself in wine & crawl under the covers.
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you feel better too.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 1:11am

laughs. Sure, extend the olive branch. Make sure it's a big strong one. Extend it to 12 inches above his head and let swish in a large arc to make impact with desired target. Repeat if necessary.

But seriously, I think the part of you that's angry might be because you feel like you invested all this time on a guy that wasn't worth it, short changed yourself because you really cared about him, and then he threw it in your face. It's like giving money to a homeless person and having him spit at you. Leaves an angry bitter taste in your mouth. In any case, this will pass and chances are you now have a better understanding of what kind of people to avoid. Like Sandra said, channel your anger into constructive things.

cheers
susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:14pm
Humor - thanks for the laugh!!



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