I can't get over this.....please give me some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
I can't get over this.....please give me some advice.
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 10:18am

So long story short.....I was engaged. 6 weeks before the wedding, he called it off. I left. This was 4 months ago. For the last 2 months, we have been "seeing eachother." He has said over and over that he doesn't want to "be in a relationship" b/c of some stressful things going on in his life. I understood and we were on again/off again. I'd get mad that he wouldn't commit, we would break up, he would come back...this happened 3 times.

All of a sudden, last week, he started not answering my calls and and stopped coming over to see me. 3 days after this started, he broke things off, for good. He said that he loved me but couldn't handle a relationship. I said ok. Well, he still text me for the next few days and out of nowhere, Saturday, he text me saying he loved and missed me and wanted to come over so he could spend the night and hold me b/c he "needs me in his life". I didn't. We text back and forth for 5 hours that night then I never heard from him after that.

Last night, I found out thru a friend that he has been "seeing" his newest employee (he is her boss, she is his secretary). This is the 5th secretary he has "dated" since he has worked there (7 years). I used to work for him too. I looked at her fb and found out that it was true. They are officially "in a relationship". I confronted him via text last night and all he said was "leave me alone".

Today, I called him and he admitted it. She started there about 3 weeks ago and he's liked her ever since. They are in fact "together" and have been sleeping together. I asked why he couldn't be with me but can be with her? His exact words were "I can't explain it. There is something about her. She isn't you. She is better. She is beautiful, smart and a great woman. I just have to be with her. She is amazing." He went on to say that I tried "manupulating him while he was vulnerable" (his dad is dying of cancer). He also went on to say that they have already slept together and she has met his family. I asked if she knew about us and he said that he told her everything last night on the phone. Appartently, she said that "it is ok. I am falling for you and want to be with you. We will work through this and anything." That sounds pretty heavy for only dating for a week.

He told me that I needed to get over him and this was a good way but that he was trying to spare my feelings. I can't believe it. What hurts is how he couldn't be with me or commit to me....but he has with some new employee that he has only known for a month. To make matters worse, she is gorgeous and apparently, better than me in so many ways.

How do I get over him? Over the lying, cheating and hurt? He says he didn't "cheat" on me but it is obvious that they were seeing eachother and hanging out together before we split up. He even admitted to hanging out with her on the nights that I couldn't get ahold of him. He has been so cold and heartless about it all. He wants absolutely nothing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

Remind yourself that at least you didn't marry him!

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I think it was a mistake to take your relationship from "about to be married" to "let's just see one another without a relationship". A breakup is easier to handle than the on-again-off-again nonsense. Your ex boyfriend is a coward, who is selfish and directionless. He's blaming you for his own shortcomings. She's not better than you... I can't believe that. And you shouldn't either. He's the one attempting to manipulate YOU into making you feel so awful about yourself that you leave him alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
That Saturday night, he wanted a warm body and probably some sex. She must not have been available, so he called goo old trusty you. DON'T be good old trusty you. You are worth more than that.
Don't waste your time and love on some guy who will try to use you in that way. Hold out for a man who deserves you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2010

Something very similar to this happened to me a few weeks ago when my boyfriend left me for a co-worker and I found out about it through FB. Since then a lot of people have given me advice, and it boils down to the fact that they're cowards and if they are willing to treat us this coldly, they're not worth being with anyway. I'm still trying to come to terms with it, but this seems to make sense to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010

Let me reiterate what the first post said:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
i agree, she probably wasn't available then.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2010
run don't walk, when you see this creep, Let him be her problem not yours, because that is what he is a BIG problem