I can think of a couple of reasons he may have acted the way he did. First, he didn't know any better. He may not be acquainted with the basic rule of human decency that says when you have to hurt someone, you don't pile it on any more than absolutely necessary and you avoid insulting them. Second, he may have been trying (way too hard, in my opinion) to overcome any objections you had to breaking up. Third, he may secretly fear that he's not good enough and he's projecting his insecurity onto you. But why he acted the way he did doesn't matter.
You've already said you don't want him anymore, which is a huge step forward. Now you just need to stop repeating whatever he said. When you start doing that, make a conscious effort to direct your thoughts elsewhere - what you want for dinner, your next job or vacation, it doesn't matter, just make it about you and not about him or the relationship. It will get easier to do this with time and will give you some sense of control.
If he could act that way toward you, you're well rid of him. Take care of yourself and you will feel better soon. We've all been where you are and have survived and been happy again.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. Its not fair the way he treated you, its not right they way he went about things, it just wasn't right.... But all you can do and should do is continue moving forward. Today you're feeling bad but tommorow for some reason it wont be as bad as today, and on Thursday it wont be bad as Wed. and so on, what i'm trying to say is that yes it does feel horrible and boy do i know that feeling but as each day does pass on by the sadness/anger/mysterious feelings do go away and become less and less. Don't get me wrong I still feel sad, I still cry almost every day but its not crying him a river like the first day/first week. And its ok to vent out go ahead and do it, cry and cry as much as you can because you shouldn't hold it in, and as you do that remind yourself little by little that its not as bad as yesterday's crying. As I was reading your message I was thinking of how he got his closure, at least you got the closure, I didn't. My ex just told me that he had a gut feeling that it wouldn't work out and that I deserve someone better and that we were just not meant to be, however, the day before he was planning our trip to the Carribean, so go figure. I just have to accept that and move on. Even my therapist tells me that my ex got his closure but I will probably would never get it and that itself is my closure. Also don't hate him, you can get angry at him and even feel a little bit of hate but just don't. The reason is because it takes up to much of your time and energy to hate someone and you dont deserve to feel like that. Think about it.... My best advice is to calm yourself down and remember that your a great person and surround yourself with people whom will support you right now and most of all keep yourself busy!!!!!! The busier you are the less time you have to keep thinking about how horrible he was. One thing that I am learning through this process of Grieving is that God will not leave us alone. He is by our side. Take Care FloridianChic.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It's annoying enough to have to heal from a break-up, but he's making it more difficult by acting like a jerk. After I read your posting, I was reminded of a phrase that I learned during a bullying workshop - "Don't blow my candle out to make your candle brighter."
Like what has already been posted, he has a low opinion of himself, and I think he felt that he needed to reject you before you rejected him. You obviously have so many positive qualities, and for someone who has so little, that's scary stuff. Of course he'd go running in the opposite direction.
Instead of being angry and hurt, you should thank him for leaving your life because now he gets to miss out on all the good things you have to offer to the right guy who is going to appreciate you for who you are. After my ex left 16 days ago, I've been investing a lot of time into improving the stuff that is great about me, and fixing the things that I don't like about myself (like how I sometimes need reassurance in a relationship instead of just 'going with the flow'). I'm still angry and sad at times, but underneath it all, I'm more at peace and content with myself then I ever was with my ex.
Take this time to nurture you and focus on becoming someone he will regret not having the guts to keep in his life. Please know this is his loss. I wish you the best.
I read your post and find that you are so positive in such a hard time of your life...it is purely inspirational to me.
Something you wrote hit home with me and i would love if you could ellaborate.
I've been investing a lot of time into improving the stuff that is great about me, and fixing the things that I don't like about myself (like how I sometimes need reassurance in a relationship instead of just 'going with the flow').
I grew up the oldest of 2 kids – I have a younger brother. From an early age, my parents, particularly my mother, made a point of telling me that I would never measure up because I was too stupid/fat/ugly, 'fill in the blank'. So for years I thought that if I could just prove them wrong by being the best daughter in the world, they would love me. So all throughout elementary school I excelled, but it didn’t matter. My brother was the ‘golden child’ – he could do no wrong, he was the one that they loved.
In HS, I moved out when I was 15 and lived on my own. I started dating guys that were cheaters, liars, abusers, name-callers, alcoholics, and drug users. In all these brief relationships I gave and gave and gave and gave, and got nothing back except pain. It’s all I knew, it’s all I’ve ever known.
It wasn’t until my 30th birthday, the day I kicked my cheating, mooching fiancé out of my apartment, that I wanted to figure out this pattern. After doing it the WRONG way (becoming a drunk), I decided to do it the right way and go to counseling. Through the magic of counseling, I learned that I pick unavailable men because that’s what I was taught to do by my parents. All I had to do to fix it was believe I deserved better, and I would get better.
Neil, my current ex, is the closest I’ve been to a functional relationship. He’s the first one I’ve dated since my 30th birthday (4.5 years ago), and it took me less than 2 months to see that he is partially emotionally unavailable. But I have made progress. I can see it now, and walk away from it, but as Carrie has said in other posts, the grieving process is still the same.
So the only way to fix this is to fix myself, and realize that they don’t value me because I don’t value myself. I have put myself through university 3 times while living on my own and I’m currently doing my Masters part time. I am giving, compassionate, generous, understanding, patient, courageous, and dedicated. I have a lot of kick-ass qualities, I just give it all to the wrong guys.
But sometimes my past whispers to me, and I feel like I need someone to tell me that I am worthy, I am lovable, I am valuable. The key is to realize that it needs to come from within. So what am I working on? I’m working on loving me for who I am, and being content with who I am, just as I am. I’m working on my spirituality, and by developing a relationship with God, I feel more centered and at peace. I’m learning how to nurture myself. As I type this, I have candles lit and I’m listening to a
My break up was very similar to yours, and I know how much it hurts. ((HUGS)). My ex also told me he was never IN love with me, and talked about his ex like she was Mother Theresa. The truth is, we are TOO good for men that can say these things to us. I just disagree that you only get that "first love feeling" once though. It can happen again, and it's usually BETTER the second time around when it's mutual. Keep your chin up.
I can think of a couple of reasons he may have acted the way he did. First, he didn't know any better. He may not be acquainted with the basic rule of human decency that says when you have to hurt someone, you don't pile it on any more than absolutely necessary and you avoid insulting them. Second, he may have been trying (way too hard, in my opinion) to overcome any objections you had to breaking up. Third, he may secretly fear that he's not good enough and he's projecting his insecurity onto you. But why he acted the way he did doesn't matter.
You've already said you don't want him anymore, which is a huge step forward. Now you just need to stop repeating whatever he said. When you start doing that, make a conscious effort to direct your thoughts elsewhere - what you want for dinner, your next job or vacation, it doesn't matter, just make it about you and not about him or the relationship. It will get easier to do this with time and will give you some sense of control.
If he could act that way toward you, you're well rid of him. Take care of yourself and you will feel better soon. We've all been where you are and have survived and been happy again.
Welcome to the board i_refuse_to_break,
Boy and people wonder why I say not to give specific hurtful break up reasons.
But all you can do and should do is continue moving forward. Today you're feeling bad but tommorow for some reason it wont be as bad as today, and on Thursday it wont be bad as Wed. and so on, what i'm trying to say is that yes it does feel horrible and boy do i know that feeling but as each day does pass on by the sadness/anger/mysterious feelings do go away and become less and less. Don't get me wrong I still feel sad, I still cry almost every day but its not crying him a river like the first day/first week. And its ok to vent out go ahead and do it, cry and cry as much as you can because you shouldn't hold it in, and as you do that remind yourself little by little that its not as bad as yesterday's crying.
As I was reading your message I was thinking of how he got his closure, at least you got the closure, I didn't. My ex just told me that he had a gut feeling that it wouldn't work out and that I deserve someone better and that we were just not meant to be, however, the day before he was planning our trip to the Carribean, so go figure. I just have to accept that and move on. Even my therapist tells me that my ex got his closure but I will probably would never get it and that itself is my closure.
Also don't hate him, you can get angry at him and even feel a little bit of hate but just don't. The reason is because it takes up to much of your time and energy to hate someone and you dont deserve to feel like that. Think about it.... My best advice is to calm yourself down and remember that your a great person and surround yourself with people whom will support you right now and most of all keep yourself busy!!!!!! The busier you are the less time you have to keep thinking about how horrible he was.
One thing that I am learning through this process of Grieving is that God will not leave us alone. He is by our side.
Take Care
FloridianChic.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It's annoying enough to have to heal from a break-up, but he's making it more difficult by acting like a jerk. After I read your posting, I was reminded of a phrase that I learned during a bullying workshop - "Don't blow my candle out to make your candle brighter."
Like what has already been posted, he has a low opinion of himself, and I think he felt that he needed to reject you before you rejected him. You obviously have so many positive qualities, and for someone who has so little, that's scary stuff. Of course he'd go running in the opposite direction.
Instead of being angry and hurt, you should thank him for leaving your life because now he gets to miss out on all the good things you have to offer to the right guy who is going to appreciate you for who you are. After my ex left 16 days ago, I've been investing a lot of time into improving the stuff that is great about me, and fixing the things that I don't like about myself (like how I sometimes need reassurance in a relationship instead of just 'going with the flow'). I'm still angry and sad at times, but underneath it all, I'm more at peace and content with myself then I ever was with my ex.
Take this time to nurture you and focus on becoming someone he will regret not having the guts to keep in his life. Please know this is his loss. I wish you the best.
hugs, lisa
I read your post and find that you are so positive in such a hard time of your life...it is purely inspirational to me.
Something you wrote hit home with me and i would love if you could ellaborate.
I've been investing a lot of time into improving the stuff that is great about me, and fixing the things that I don't like about myself (like how I sometimes need reassurance in a relationship instead of just 'going with the flow').
I suffer from the same problem,
A bit about me…
I grew up the oldest of 2 kids – I have a younger brother. From an early age, my parents, particularly my mother, made a point of telling me that I would never measure up because I was too stupid/fat/ugly, 'fill in the blank'. So for years I thought that if I could just prove them wrong by being the best daughter in the world, they would love me. So all throughout elementary school I excelled, but it didn’t matter. My brother was the ‘golden child’ – he could do no wrong, he was the one that they loved.
In HS, I moved out when I was 15 and lived on my own. I started dating guys that were cheaters, liars, abusers, name-callers, alcoholics, and drug users. In all these brief relationships I gave and gave and gave and gave, and got nothing back except pain. It’s all I knew, it’s all I’ve ever known.
It wasn’t until my 30th birthday, the day I kicked my cheating, mooching fiancé out of my apartment, that I wanted to figure out this pattern. After doing it the WRONG way (becoming a drunk), I decided to do it the right way and go to counseling. Through the magic of counseling, I learned that I pick unavailable men because that’s what I was taught to do by my parents. All I had to do to fix it was believe I deserved better, and I would get better.
Neil, my current ex, is the closest I’ve been to a functional relationship. He’s the first one I’ve dated since my 30th birthday (4.5 years ago), and it took me less than 2 months to see that he is partially emotionally unavailable. But I have made progress. I can see it now, and walk away from it, but as Carrie has said in other posts, the grieving process is still the same.
So the only way to fix this is to fix myself, and realize that they don’t value me because I don’t value myself. I have put myself through university 3 times while living on my own and I’m currently doing my Masters part time. I am giving, compassionate, generous, understanding, patient, courageous, and dedicated. I have a lot of kick-ass qualities, I just give it all to the wrong guys.
But sometimes my past whispers to me, and I feel like I need someone to tell me that I am worthy, I am lovable, I am valuable. The key is to realize that it needs to come from within. So what am I working on? I’m working on loving me for who I am, and being content with who I am, just as I am. I’m working on my spirituality, and by developing a relationship with God, I feel more centered and at peace. I’m learning how to nurture myself. As I type this, I have candles lit and I’m listening to a
Thank you all for your kind and reassuring words.