I can't stop crying...
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I can't stop crying...
| Wed, 09-07-2005 - 10:45pm |
I've never really posted anything on a message board before, but I am in desperate need of support. I broke up with my boyfriend of four years last night. I love him dearly, but I finally realized after such a long time that he was never going to marry me. Not that my only goal is to get married, but after four years, it was impossible to have any conversation whatsoever involving marriage or our future. I met him in college, and we've dated ever since then. Recently, I moved to a new town and have started a new school. It's been hard doing the long distance thing. I guess the straw that broke the camel's back was when he told me about a week ago that he was considering moving to Alaska (from Texas!) for a job opportunity. It hurt me so badly because I think I finally realized that he was never going to commit to me. He wants our relationship to stay exactly how it's always been - and part of me feels guilty for wanting more. I love him desperately, and I haven't stopped crying in the past 24 hours. He told me he never wants to talk to me again - after four years and he won't make any effort. I feel like my thoughts a garbled together and my head is fuzzy. I miss him so much, but I know our relationship isn't right and I know deep in my heart that I can do better. Does this horrible feeling of pain, guilt, anguish, and fear ever go away? I desperately need someone's help or advice.

Once you get over the initial shock of a breakup, things DO get better...
I'm sorry for your loss, but it's awesome that you realize that you can do better. That decision shows a lot of maturity and respect for yourself. I know it sucks, but if your boyfriend can't give you what you want/need, then breaking up is really for the best.
That being said, I don't think there is a way to make you feel any better right this moment. You just need to be patient with yourself and give it some time. You may feel angry, jealous, sad, lonely, scared, etc...but eventually those feelings will fade. You guys were together for a long time, and even though part of it was a long-distance relationship, it's probably going to feel really strange not having him in your life anymore. It's only natural for you to miss him...
I was only with my ex for about seven months, but we had been good friends for some time before that. And believe me--I missed him like CRAZY when we first broke up, even though I was the one who ultimately called things off. Like you, I knew things weren't right between us and I also knew that I deserved better. But I had gotten so used to having him around that I absolutely panicked when I actually lost him. And he didn't make things any easier--he started seeing someone else right away, but was still telling me how much he cared and that he loved me, etc. He also tried to make me feel guilty for not moving to be with him (we were long-distance as well). It was a very rough and confusing time for me.
But you know what? That was over a year ago, and I'm doing great. I used to think that I would never reach this point, but I've realized that I don't need my ex in my life. I will admit that I do have some nostalgic moments every now and then, and that the whole no-contact thing is hard for me to follow sometimes. We have talked periodically since our breakup, but I did take a long period of time OFF from him, and I felt much better. I know it hurts, but maybe it's a good thing that your ex said he doesn't want to talk to you. Keeping in contact really only causes more pain and confusion for both parties involved.
Please don't let your ex manipulate you into staying in a relationship that won't satisfy you. Maybe he'll come around eventually and want to be friends; maybe not. DON'T FEEL GUILTY--you're only doing what's best for you in the end, and that's something to be proud of. You deserve to take care of yourself before anyone else. Just keep reminding yourself that you want more than what he could give you. Don't contact him. Try to stay busy with friends/family/work/school, etc. Now is the time to focus on yourself.
There's no reason at all that you should feel guilty for knowing what you want in life. Remember that you did this for yourself and your future. If I've learned anything over the last several years about men and dating, it's that a lot of men think only of themselves and what they want. It sounds like your ex is a lot like mine. He did what worked best for him over the last few years. He let the relationship go on and on as long as it was comfortable for him and suited his needs. The moment you opened up your mouth and made the not-at-all-unreasonable request to discuss the future and determine for once where the relationship is going, he couldn't handle it and agreed to letting it go instead of commiting to you. I know it's painful. Although I ended things with my ex, I feel like I'm the one who was rejected because I loved him and wanted the relationship to last and he wasn't going to reconsider and compromise out of love.
If these guys are so afraid of commitment, I wish them the best of luck because most women out there want commitments and don't want to waste their time while these guys cruise along not caring about our needs. It's best for us to bail out on them and find men who can meet our needs. These guys assume there's always going to be someone else out there willing to waste, 3, 4, 5 or more years of her life just playing by their rules and not commiting. I wish these men the best of luck. They forget that women aren't the only ones who get old.
So, try to smile and be strong. See a counselor if you think you need to. It will help you gain a better understanding of why you stayed with this guy so long and what you can do to avoid the situation again. That's what I'm doing now and it's really helping me a lot.
Only we still live in the same town and he's already moved on to a girl with 3 kids (he's 22, I'm 19. We were together 3 years and friends for 3 years before that).
It does get easier. The actual break up was 3 months ago and I slowly started getting better from that point, but it was hard because we still talked (he called me every day) and were trying to work on our problems to get back together. a little under 3 months after the break we had a fight because I felt like he was being totally inconsiderate of my feelings. I had been worried sick about him all night long because he never called back like he was supposed to and he felt like I had no reason to be upset with him. (That's a whole other story...) At the end of that conversation he told me he'd call me back later. 2 weeks later I hadn't heard from him. I had text messaged him once asking for my movie gallery card back, he ignored it. A week after that, I tried calling him and he ignored that too but responded to texts. This is when he told me to leave him alone.
But back to your question, it does get easier. I still have my days when I'll just sit down and cry and cry and cry. I still cry at least a little just about every day. But I've moved from being completely crushed and hurt to angry at him for doing this to me. Good luck!
good for you for doing what you feel is right for you even though it is so hard and painful to make decisions like that. i've read some of the other replies/posts and it seems one thing is in common....that they all say it does get better in time or when the shock wears off.....i have to dissagree to a certain degree. i'm not trying to make you feel any worse than you already feel, but at the same time i don't want to sugar coat things, i think we're all on here to get support and honesty even if it's not what we want to hear. i think everyone and every situation/break up is different so no two people can heal at the same rate and same time. some people heal effortlessly in no time, and then there are people like myself(maybe i'm the only one) who after 1 year after a break up my heart still hurts just the same as it did a year ago. i still cry almost everyday and the pain i feel i can't even put into words. everyone has different issues, and everyone learns/grows at a different pace, and hey, some people don't learn at all....but in any case that's why it's hard to say when YOUR pain will go away...it sucks to hear that but it's the honest truth. i can tell you this.....with a lot of strength, prayer, hard work, dedication, and time....your success rate of healing will be much greater. time ALONE will not heal.....i know people say that all the time, but i don't believe time ALONE will heal all pain/regret/sorrow/guilt......etc.
i was with my ex for 4 years (two of which we lived together) and i broke it off with him. at the time i thought i was doing the right thing........but somewhere down the line, i started to regret my decision and wanted him back....to this day i don't know if the reasons i gave others and myself for breaking it off were really my reasons or maybe there were other reasons, maybe i was pms'ing, maybe i was going through a phase.....i'm not sure anymore....or maybe i'm just having regrets and doubting my reasons because i miss him so much and want him back to make all this pain go away. but it doesn't really matter, what matters is that i made the decision to leave, he doesn't want me back, and i have to try and move on. if you could take any advice from me at all, please take this....don't have contact with him. my ex and i have been broken up for a year and within this year the longest we've gone without contact is a week, if even that. that could explain why i haven't been able to heal or let go of him. you don't want that. it's not just me contacting him either. he'll call me at times and tell me he misses me and wants to see me, and it's so hard to turn him away, so ofcourse i see him...and you know what happens from there....that will definately not help the healing situation. sorry for rambling on.