I Can't Take it Anymore....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
I Can't Take it Anymore....
5
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 8:50am
Help....

I know I've posted a lot about my relationship and breakup, enough to make everyone wonder why I constantly go back to this guy.....

My mind is so jumbled I don't even know how to focus anymore. We were together for 2.5 yrs, then he broke up with my 3 times during our relationship, everytime wanting me back almost right away. The final time he dumped me, I started dating other people because I was tired of being so hurt. After a few months, I took him back.

However, since we have been back together (2 months now) he has been angry with me for not taking him back right away and dating other people. I can understand the hurt but his anger is affecting the way he treats me and he won't talk about it.

Also, I have become and INSECURE wreck. He still goes online and chats with girls he meets. Whether or not this turns sexual like before, I don't know... But he won't prove to me its not by showing me the emails between them all. So everytime I see him online while he's at work, i know he's talking to them. Also, he won't talk to me online anymore. He gets annoyed if we do talk too much online, or if i call and want to talk for too long.... He goes out w/ his friends a lot now and won't take me with him, even when other girls are going to be there.

Our 3 yr anniv is on Saturday and he said he didn't feel like celebrating because he's not the kind of guy who likes that stuff. And he said 'the more the merrier' as in he'd rather hang out with a group of people. Then his friend invited him to a bachelor party (not for anyone he knows) on the beach and that's the same weekend I leave for a 3 week business trip and when I said that, he was just like "oh well".

What is going on here?

In addition, he won't get intimate with me anymore. If I try, he pushed me off. In fact, the only time he will have sex with me is when I'm asleep at night. If we spend the night together, he waits till I fall asleep. By the time I wake up, he's almost done...... It makes me feel horrible.


Edited 8/18/2004 8:51 am ET ET by malena78

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 10:25am
What's going on, I believe, is he feels guilty. Maybe because you're upset and having a hard time letting go? And maybe he's nervous about being alone and keeps you around for that reason. I do think though that he does want out and is trying to push you away by his actions- hoping that you will leave on your own and then he won't have to feel guilty. This really opened my eyes, I've been trying to break it off with my b/f of 7 yrs and it keeps cycling just like what you talked about..that is how I treat him because I want him to leave so I won't feel guilty. If I were you, I would just leave and move on and if he gets mad (that is a bad sign) do not go back out with him. He sounds like he has the potential to be a real jerk and has yet to grow up. I'm sure you would feel a lot better alone than with him!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:11pm
malena78, it seems your relationship wasn't going well from the start. You may love him but you have to be strong about this situation. Not to hurt your feelings, but from what I have read in your post, I do not think he has the same feelings for you, that you have for him. And I guess after you broke and you came back to him, he was upset because I guess he moved on. If he has sex with you when you are a sleep is not a good thing. If I were you I would leave him I find someone who can treat me better than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:47pm
Well, I never broke up with him - I just didn't take him back right away.

Either way, you are right... I am constantly throwing myself at him, trying to get him to 'love me like he used to' but it's to no avail.

It's hard, but I'm going to have to let go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:10pm
malena... here's my take on this from what you've written... you've allowed yourself to become his safety net. He doesn't want to be with you, but is too afraid to be alone... so you will do until he finds someone better. It sounds like he doesn't want a relationship, but you're convenient. And frankly it sounds like he is a jerk and you deserve better!!! You are in love with the way he WAS, not who he has become...

Just remember that no one does anything in a relationship that you don't allow to happen... I am proof of that too! I gave my marriage a second chance and my stb-x just walked out AGAIN... there will be no third chance now. Two times of being rejected because there MIGHT be someone better suited for him out there is ENOUGH!

Take care and I hope you can make the decision you already know you need to...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 5:35pm
Malena, you have an advantage not enjoyed by most people on this board. You can talk this over with him. Most people are here, looking for insight into behavior/communication from someone who is completely inaccessible to them these days. You have a first-person source for what it all means, and that's him. You're in a relationship with him, when you got back together with him you should have been in it wholeheartedly, not with one foot out the door (or on these boards, as the case may be). In a relationship, the answer to every question begins and ends with communication.

I'm a lawyer, so I can argue any side of this you want. I can tell you he sounds like a horrible jerk, and you should leave. I can rationalize his behavior, suggest that he's immature and insecure, try to empathize with how he must be feeling. But what does all that amount to? I don't know either of you. This board is a good forum for support, but your life's decisions are made by you. You're looking for a verdict from this board. Well, there's not a judge or jury around that decides a case without hearing evidence from both sides. Talk to him about your concerns, at least attempt to get his side of this. And while you may not want to escalate immediately to accusation, make it clear if he tries to brush you off that you're very serious and are considering ending the relationship if you can't reach resolution of these issues. Then hear his side. Come back to the board for an expert opinion, as additional evidence to tip the scales.

Maybe there's no going back for the two of you. I can tell you that when my ex and I broke up the first time, I really focused on one goal, and that was to get back together, and I focused on that to the exclusion of all else. And when I accomplished my goal, I felt immediate "buyer's remorse" about whether I actually wanted that, as well as a sudden appearance of all the feelings of anger and insecurity and mistrust that I'd sublimated while chasing after him. Once we were back together, I found I resented him for leaving, found that I had a lot of unresolved feelings about the breakup. That could be what's going on, and maybe couples counseling could help you, if he's motivated to do it. Or maybe it just becomes too late for a relationship, too much work, too much heartache and baggage, and it's time to move on. Talk to him about that, see what his feelings are. You have an intimate relationship with him, be intimate - don't make unilateral decisions based on advice from strangers, at least share with him what you're thinking, feeling, and contemplating doing about the situation, and give him a chance to either convince you that things can change or to agree and let the two of you part maturely. Talk with him before acting on advice you receive from strangers, although take into account the objective opinions of the board members, when it comes time to make your decision.