I CAVED!!! Dont do it!!!
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| Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:23pm |
Hi everyone,
I did it, I called... eleven days, UGH! He was very happy to hear from me, we had like a 45 minute conversation, nice conversation, then it was like, oh I miss you Weezie, we spent every 4th together for the last four years, I have been miserable mostly the last two-three days, and now its Saturday morning, and I am thinking about what we do on Saturdays, and I am miserable. So I asked, why havent you called me then? He said, I actually was going to this morning, but you beat me to it. (bad move)
So he said, why dont you come down today, we will go out and get some crabs, make a nice dinner, rent a movie, etc...I said, well, I have to work, he was like on a Saturdy? I just said, well, I threw myself into working just not to think about you, he said, I have been doing the same thing, staying at the office till like 7 or 8, anyway, he's like its 1:30, why dont you come on down (he lives 45 minutes south of me) and we will grill up some steaks, etc...I was like....uhhhh, OK!!! So I went...
Ok for the real lesson, he called while I was driving and asked if I had any special requests for lunch, I was like, naaa, surprise me, then he called again, and asked if I wanted an iced coffee from DunkinDoughnuts, being really thoughtful about my arrival, is where I am going.
So I get there, I walk in, he greets me with the biggest hug, and kiss, it was really incredible to see his smiling face...the smell of lunch cooking, it was GREAT!!! WEll Needless to say, you all know where we wound up in the next five minutes, it was tender, and loving and just the greatest sex ever, he was passionate and cuddly afterwards, saying how much he missed me, etc...it was like, YAY!!!! So I was getting ready for work, an he was like, are you coming back after you get off? I was like, I dont know, you are the one that needed a break, he's like come down, I promise to make you a nice breakfast when we get up. So I said, ok, (thinking to myself, yay, HE CAVED...so I go there about 9pm, we chill out, have fun, watch a movie, cuddle on the couch the whole time, then hes like come on, lets go to bed, it was sooooooo nice to sleep in his bed again, he was like MR SPOON, never really like that before, petting my hair, holding my hand...Sunday morning comes, I see that my water bottle that I left on "my" nightstand was still there from ten days ago, my teddybear that I won him in the arcade was sitting on top of the TV, my nightgown that he bought me, (I left that behind) was folded and on the TV in the BR. His chest wasnt shaved, and wasn't too well groomed elsewhere, which made me happy, told me he hadn't been with anyone else, he is anal about the chest hair, his house was kinda messy, the laundry was piled up, I was like, huh, no more weezie to take care of you huh? He was like no, I hate it, even my golf score was off this week, I couldn't concentrate...so all seemed great! We spent Sunday afternoon, just like old times, till I had to leave for work again about 5:00, now I am getting nervous, he isn't saying anything, and I hate to bring it up, so I go over and kiss him goodbye, and hes like bye Weezie, (now I am panicing, dont know where I stand) So he says, what time do you work till? Are you coming back? I was like, well, I need to know where we stand in your eyes now, are you done with your "BREAK"? He's like I dont know, UGH!!!! I'm like, well then forget it, he's like why do you have ot be so pushy? Im like pushy? after four years, I wouldnt say pushy, i say confused.. So I am like, do you want to be back together or not? He's like I dont know, (LIKE WTF, we just had the most incredible weekend) USED AGAIN!!!!
I said, I am off tomorrow, want to get together, he's like, I am going to visit my grandma, (she is dying in a hosp in PA) he said, we can get together Tuesday night providing I get home early enough, and definetly "weezie wednesday" I was like, ok, (now i am sooo confused, mixed signals) So I go to work, call him to say hi around 10pm...he said he would call me tomorrow (today) before he leaves for Penn.
OK, so I just got off the phone with him, nice convo...I said what time do you think you will be home Tuesday night so I can plan around it, get this....he says, why do you have to push? NOW I'M PISSED, I'M LIKE PUSH? I AM ONLY ASKING ABOUT DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT!?!?!? He says, I dont know, I will call you when I am on my way back, so I said, the only reason I ask is so i can make my own plans if you are going to be late.........
BOMBSHELL!!!!!!!!!!
"I think we should go back to our break!" I was like WHAT?????? He said, I dont know if I want to do this boyfriend thing, I am happier not having to answer to anyone, I was like, you never answer to me?!?! He's like, I just want to come back home at whatever time, not worry that you are waiting. I was like, fine, whatever...he's like we need to take it slow, I was like slow? Whatever, I'm like thanks for the fun this weekend, I will not count on seeing you again, he's like well I will call you on my way home tomorrow, I said fine, have a nice trip, he's like have a great day, blah, blah...
OK, so now what? Do I answer when he calls? I dont want to play games, do I take it slow? Ease back into the relationship? I am basically back at square one, feel used and emotionally disrespected... eleven days under my belt, back to the beginning again, I am prime example of why NO CONTACT... I really dont know where we stand now, one breath he wants to continue the break, on the other, he wants to ease back into it? What do you all think? My heart says, its gonna be ok, my head says, he is a BIG JERK, disrespectful of your feeling, ........but i love him, what do I do? Here i am again, crying like an idiot!!! Help me out guys please, i need some insight, some advice.......
Sorry so long, I just wanted u all to know the details so you can get where i come from with the confusion.
Thank you for reading, any feedback will be greatly needed and appreciated!!
Louise :(

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Hi Louise,
Well try not to beat yourself up too much about the caving in... it's really hard to maintain no contact, but it can be done. You'll just have to pick up the pieces from where you left off.
I say give him his stupid 'break' he wants... he seems like he wants everything on his terms only in this deal... and no, you did not sound 'pushy' by asking for some timing details. He's using it as a copout for his break reasoning.
My friends told me this during my breakup, don't keep asking him what he wants, what do YOU want? A guy who is off and on whenever he feels? I doubt it. Start figuring out what it is you truly want in a relationship and begin the healing. I'm sure you want *him* to be the one in this, but he's not.
I would not answer his calls.... he wants you at the ready when and how he likes it. I'm not advocating playing games; you just need to make a firm stand that this is not cool.
I hope you got a good crab dinner out of the weekend at least :)
No, I don't think you take it slow...that just means more pain and limbo for you. The best thing would be to answer the phone when he calls, but tell him you are going to go back to no contact, but that if and when he decides that he's 100% ready to be in a committed relationship with you, he is welcome to call you and you will consider a reconciliation. And then move on in the meantime, because of course there's no guarantee that he will decide he does want to get back together.
But like I said to the other poster who had this situation, you weren't used, IMO. If it was important to you to know whether you were back "on" before you slept together, then you should have talked about it beforehand. You took the risk (your choice to do so) and it didn't work out as you hoped. That's painful, of course, but it doesn't mean you were used.
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad...I think most of us have been there, done that. Accept that you made a choice that probably in retrospect wasn't the best thing for you, but don't beat yourself up for that choice...do your best to learn from it and hopefully you'll make better choices in the future.
Sheri
Thank you for your insight all..
I know what I have to do, I think, he is continually manipulating the situation by "taking it slow" give me a break, it was only ten days off from a 4 yr relationship,
I am beginning to see that it is all on his terms, I hate it, although he does say I respect your feelings if you dont want to talk to me, that I deserve better, I love you more than anything, but I need a break? UGH...
As far as tomorrow night goes, I dont know if I should see him or not, I am thinking that I shouldn't, but what sucks is that, he will be like, ok, Weez, whatever you want... How can he do that? Then on the other hand this weekend was so great, I was so happy, I dont regret it, and I used him too, for my own comfort too, so i'm not upset about that, I just dont know where to go from here.
Unfortunatly I think I have to go back to NC, and when he calls later or tomorrow, be like, .....I dunno? WHAT SHOULD I SAY EVERYBODY?????
Well, as I said, no, I don't think you should see him, and I gave you my suggestion for what to say...perhaps others will have suggestions for what to say as well.
As for how he can do it, well, he can do it because he's decided he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you and on some level he's accepted that not being willing to have that responsibility means he doesn't get the benefits of getting to spend time with you, either (but if you're offering, he'd be happy to take them).
Sheri
JUST STOP! NO MORE!
I SAID THAT TO MYSLEF "NO MORE" WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE HIS WAY? WHY?
NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE.
WE ARE WASTING OUR TIME WHEN THE ONE FOR US IS OUT THRE WIATING FOR US TO STOP BEING SO SILLY AND LETTING OURSELVES TAKING ADVANTAGE OF OUR WEAKNESS AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
THAT'S IT. ENOUGH!
I agree with all of you... he is a man, if I am gonna put it out there, he is gonna take it....ON HIS TERMS!!!
That is total BS...
The only reason I even have a shadow of hope is...ok, he didn't have to be loving, and affectionate and sweet, he could have just had sex, and kept up his distance, but he acted like he was so in love with me all weekend, i know he loves me, but i think he just wants to be single in a relationship, no, thats not for me, I love him so darn much, but I guess I have to let him go for good this time huh? Boohoo
Aw Louise, I'm so sorry you feel so hurt again.
Well now, what you just said- Sheri and I will both agree - sounds like a classic commitmentphobe. They act this way. I want you/I don't want you is how they operate.
If no one has suggested the book yet, read "Men Who Can't Love" and it might give you some insight on his behavior. It was such a godsend for me with my first, yes, first commitmentphobe.
I may be way off in my prediction of him, but there may be some nugget of truth you can take out of the reading.
Men seem like the masters of having their cake and eating it too. One of my guy friends always tells me "women are too forgiving". We always seem to let them back in, thinking we'll find that loving, sincere man we fell in love with. It just sucks when it's temporary and on their terms.
Be strong and know you can do this... otherwise you'll be in limbo with him forever, and that hurts.
Hey Louise
Wow - what a brutal weekend. Or rather a lovely weekend with a brutal end.
I agree with the other posters on this one - it's like he wants a friends-with-benefits thing with you after 4 (four!) years together! Or more accurately - all the wonderful things about being with you without all the 'stuff' that goes with being in a relationship. I call it 'relationship tax' - the stuff you don't want to do (calling when he's going to be late, doing his nasty gym laundry, watching movies you hate but the other loves etc) but do anyways because the long-term benefits are there.
I can only tell you what i think - you're welcome to take it or leave it, but here goes:
People only really value what they have to work for. If I really like a guy - strange as it might sound - I make him work for me. Even if all I want is to see him everyday and make him dinner and discuss our future together. I don't do it (it's hard - trust me - especially in the beginning when it's all rosy and he's so perfect). Because I really think guys love the chase. When they don't really know if they have you right where they want you (in bed - heh heh - just kidding - not really), they see you as more elusive and valuable.
So what happens when he calls? I'd be as upfront and honest as possible. Be strong. You could say something like: I don't want to get together anytime soon because i don't think you're respecting how difficult this break-up has been for me. If you love me and decide you want to build a life with me, then let me know, but I have to take care of myself right now and I can't do that when I'm getting mixed messages from you.
Or what if you WANT to see him? Then do it - but if he gets all sex-y again - let him know you don't want to go there. I'd say something like: people who I love and trust get to sleep with me. I don't really trust you right now, so let's go back out to the kitchen. (I did something similar early in a relationship once - the guy told me later he was floored and became only more motivated to earn that love and trust. Happens to be the guy I'm now broken-hearted about, but that's another story)
Okay okay - I'm a pretty direct girl, but you're the precious jewel here and he'd be lucky to spend another night with you - decide if he should be so lucky.
I'm trying to look at my (now 7 days long) no contact as giving him a chance to see what life is like without me. I told him I won't put up with his sh*t and left and it was hard - still is hard - and I really miss him because there was a lot of great mixed in with the sh*t (nice image I know - you're welcome). But I feel stronger every day knowing that he didn't really value me like I wanted him to, and I think I made the right decision. If he wants me back, he knows my phone number, my email, where I live and work etc. It wouldn't be a huge thing for him to get ahold of me. And maybe he never will (sigh), but if if IF he does it'll be because he decided fully and completely to be with me again and that I'm just to valuable to let go of.
Let us all know how it goes. I'll be thinking about you tonight.
L
WOW Orxy, that was awesome, you made tears run down my cheeks!! Thank you so much, your advice is great with a funny twist to it...maybe you should be a breakup novelist!!
I dont know what I am going to do, as much as I love this man, and know we are perfect together, but something is wrong with HIM...and I definetly didn't give him enough time to see what life is like without Weezie! He did mention he was miserable, missed me so much, looked at my pictures, etc...So whats the problem? I just dont get it.
I think I will say to him what you recommended, that I cannot play games, or take it slow after four freakin years, gimme a break. He has alot of mental issues, he is secure and insecute, vain, obsessive, selfish, thoughtless, I think he likes to wallow in misery...
I think some people arent really happy unless there is alot of drama going on. What guy tells you he wants a break, has all your things all over his house, doesn't groom his body, treats me like the love of his life for two days, and then says he thinks we should keep on our break? UGH,
Thank you again, and to all of you, this is the best therapy!
Louise
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