I Could Use Some Advice, Please
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| Wed, 10-10-2007 - 9:47pm |
This summer I was seeing a very special woman. We had an unusually strong connection on many levels, and we had the most wonderful summer, along with her nine year-old son. There was so much laughter and warmth, and just a very mutually comfortable feeling. Being together simply felt very "right" for both of us.
It ended a month ago when she broke up with me after having discovered that I had lied to her about a couple of things. What made it even worse is that two weeks into the relationship, I told her I was dating another woman. She broke up with me for one day, and when we reunited, said that if we got back together, I could never lie to her again; that it was the worst thing anybody could do to her.
I won't go into why I lied to her again, except to say there were some deeply shame-based issues. Being a psychotherapist, she understood this, but since then cannot see us ever becoming a couple again because I represent too much of a danger to her since she can no longer trust me because of my disregard for her warning.
The experience has been devastating for both of us, obviously. Since the break-up we've stayed in touch. We consider ourselves friends, but we're now talking about ending our daily contact so that we can fully heal the pain.
She began dating again soon after our break-up. I'm still too devastated to date, and still think of her when I see pictures of other women. I guess I'd like to know what I can do to get her trust back if that's even possible, or what to do to make coping with the loss a little less devastating, if that's possible. Because of the strength of the connection we had, not being together has felt like going through withdrawal, and trying to accept the fact that we'll never again be a couple has been a challenge.
Any impressions would be appreciated, thanks.
Edited 10/12/2007 4:32 am ET by mr_e_steubing

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Honestly--if she's anything like me and the people I'm friends with for whom honesty and trust are absolute necessities--there's probably nothing you can do.
OH NO!!! DO I EVEN WANT TO TOUCH THIS????
Edited 10/11/2007 5:36 am ET by mr_e_steubing
Well, sometimes
Good morning.
I, like your ex, understand that, as you said, lies often come from a place of shame...something so painful that a person has not been able to face head-on, much less admit to another person. People cope with that inability to face their shame in so many ways. With lies, addictive substances, aggression, running away and many other ways that are all painful to those we love. I do not lie, but I have tried coping by using substances. When that didn't work, I turned to aggression (sarcasm and little jabs are favorites of mine). None of these ways of coping feel good to our partners. Almost everyone practices some form of not facing their true pain head on, and thus hurting our partners--often without knowing we are doing it. I don't think you are bad for lieing.
That said, like your ex, I choose not to tolerate lies in my close relationships. She may suspect, as I would, that since you lied twice, that this is your method of coping with your shame. If she is willing to tolerate a 0 on the lieing scale, and you are even just a 1 or a 2 on the lieing scale, then you can't be together unless you move to 0 or she decides she is willing to tolerate a 1 or a 2.
My suggestion is, if you want, to focus on yourself and working on that behavior, which I reckon requires at least in part facing the shame you're reacting to with lies head-on. I recommend getting the assistance of a skilled counselor.
If this was truly just a 2 time goof-up, then time will tell if she is willing to give the relationship another try. But if I were in her shoes, and you hadn't done some serious work on facing your issues, I would have to be willing to be hurt by a lie all over again when I agreed to resume the relationship.
Good luck!
Gosh, you know, there's just something about "that one special relationship" that requires us to face our shame, weaknesses, and peccadilloes
Are you being sarcastic?
Hi mr_e_steubing,
I'm wonder if it's sarcastic....(as I nearly choked on your response) whether it is or isn't my answer: same as it is with kids.... the only way you can learn not to do something or that it's wrong/bad/inappropriate is to suffer the consequences of your actions.
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