I Could Use Some Advice, Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
I Could Use Some Advice, Please
18
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 9:47pm

This summer I was seeing a very special woman. We had an unusually strong connection on many levels, and we had the most wonderful summer, along with her nine year-old son. There was so much laughter and warmth, and just a very mutually comfortable feeling. Being together simply felt very "right" for both of us.

It ended a month ago when she broke up with me after having discovered that I had lied to her about a couple of things. What made it even worse is that two weeks into the relationship, I told her I was dating another woman. She broke up with me for one day, and when we reunited, said that if we got back together, I could never lie to her again; that it was the worst thing anybody could do to her.

I won't go into why I lied to her again, except to say there were some deeply shame-based issues. Being a psychotherapist, she understood this, but since then cannot see us ever becoming a couple again because I represent too much of a danger to her since she can no longer trust me because of my disregard for her warning.

The experience has been devastating for both of us, obviously. Since the break-up we've stayed in touch. We consider ourselves friends, but we're now talking about ending our daily contact so that we can fully heal the pain.

She began dating again soon after our break-up. I'm still too devastated to date, and still think of her when I see pictures of other women. I guess I'd like to know what I can do to get her trust back if that's even possible, or what to do to make coping with the loss a little less devastating, if that's possible. Because of the strength of the connection we had, not being together has felt like going through withdrawal, and trying to accept the fact that we'll never again be a couple has been a challenge.

Any impressions would be appreciated, thanks.




Edited 10/12/2007 4:32 am ET by mr_e_steubing

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 7:52pm

I'm not a sarcastic person. Maybe we're talking about two different things. When you said "negative consequences," I heard "punishment," which left me feeling alienated, belittled, and that you believe my suffering punishment for what I did would somehow be constructive.

Negative consequences can be effectual, but are useless in effecting the changes that I need to make in order to render dishonesty an unreasonable option as a coping skill in my current and future relationships--something I desperately need to make happen, since I want these relationships to be completely authentic ones.

I'm trying to look toward the future and I want to concentrate on making constructive changes in my life so that something like this can never happen again. Honest introspection, conscious effort, and positive affirmations help. In my experience, the exercise of affirming that I'm deserving of punishment for my actions, as an active and effective learning tool for change, do not, and are effective only in prolonging my pain and lowering my self-esteem, which in turn inhibit my ability to grow toward this goal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 8:50pm

Thanks for your very astute comments.

I am, in fact, seeing a therapist, and I've learned a couple of critical things since the breakup. One is that just because someone isn't me, it doesn't mean they're any less real or vulnerable (Human). Another is that I have the capacity to affect people on a very deep level.

These might sound like very basic life lessons that every child learns. But my behavioral development included many ambiguities and inconsistencies across several fundamental areas, which resulted in convoluted interpretations of some very basic personal and social principles. My parents did their best, God bless them, but none of us is perfect.

And you're right--my ex-girlfriend would have to be willing to risk being hurt again by another lie in order to reunite with me. But she's too smart to let that happen. Come to think of it, so am I.

But I appreciate the fact that it takes time to change old, ingrained tendencies, and one of the reasons I shun returning to intimate relationships presently is that I first need to feel secure enough in the knowledge that I wouldn't be motivated to lie again, or that even if I do feel the motivation to lie, I would never go there. Currently I'm simply too much at risk to act in a way which could once again inadvertently result in deeply hurting someone--an experience I'm now committed to never again letting happen.




Edited 10/12/2007 8:16 pm ET by mr_e_steubing
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 10:42pm

Ok, thanks for explaining--and no, I didn't mean "punishment", I meant that the natural outcome of negative actions is very often

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 10:51pm

Well, I can see how being lied to by someone she was supposed to be able to trust would make her feel alienated and

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 11:25pm

It's funny, in my work in counseling, I learned only a few years ago that other people feel the depth of pain and misery that I have felt. That would seem to most something that everyone knows, but for whatever reason, I grew up feeling that the intensity of my emotions was unique and I was some kind of freak which, of course, made my distress even worse and my emotions even more overwhelming. Sometimes people miss out on some basic lessons.

I agree with the punishment thing. I have been trying to punish myself into changing things I don't like about myself for years even as my counselor repeats over and over again "punishment doesn't work". Now I've changed to radical acceptance, and the paradox is that I am having extraordinary growth. Amazing.

In any case, I wish you well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 2:47am

Thanks. If I omitted this from my previous posts, please know that although I didn't choose to intentionally hurt my ex-GF, I clearly understand and accept the fact that the choices I made in our relationship were completely my own responsibility, that they resulted in hurting her on a profound level, that I live with this realization every single day and night, and that on some level I always will.

While this realization is fundamental to the growth process, it has also produced devastation and trauma, and is affecting my ability to move on. In order to completely move on and grow from this experience, I must forgive myself, and ironically, give myself the acceptance and nurturing that was excluded for much of my life.

That doesn't mean that what I did will be forgotten. Of course it never will. But the motivation to achieve the changes I need to make must now be driven by positive forces. That's where the permanence of these changes will be determined, not in ruminating over the consequences of my actions. Addressing the positive will not only prevent this horror from ever happening in the future, but will bring depth, authenticity and meaning to my life and those with whom I share it. It will also internalize the realization that my actions toward other people produce equal reactions in them.

I believe this is the way in which the Universe works. That has been proved to me over and over again, and is one of the few things that never changes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 2:51am
Thanks for sharing your experience. It's good to know that radical acceptance not only works, but in many cases can be preferable to some of the more traditional models of behavior modification.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 5:16am

I'm not a proponent of beating oneself up over mistakes made, I simply wanted to illustrate the obvious is all. As far as the realization having been traumatic? Naw, not possible.


Trauma seems to have become quite the popular term to describe everything from a stubbed toe to witnessing mass murder and utter devastation, as has the diagnosis for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder become equally as "fashionable"... Sorry, just one of my biggest pet peeves. I'm not directing

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