I could use some extra help today
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| Thu, 04-07-2005 - 11:01pm |
Man, today has been really hard. It's been three months since my ex-fiance left me, and I am still in the stages of just trying to get through each day. Today was excruciating. I dreamt of him last night. In my dream he came back to me- it was so real. I could feel him, everything about him. But I woke up with that sick, empty feeling in my stomach and it's been there all day.
I couldn't stop crying in the shower. I must have just sat there for two hours and cried and cried. And then I felt so drained, and so stupid because what a waste of time is that? I feel so weak. All day long I encountered little things that reminded me of him. Maybe 5 or 6 all together. Just little things, but enough to make me feel like I was going crazy. I felt like the Universe was sending me a big fat F- you (and laughing hysterically) I just feel so empty right now. Just hollowed out. And this dull aching pain in my stomach just won't go away.
I've been reading the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It's like my bible. I carry it around with me everywhere, write in it, dog ear the pages. It is really helpful. It has given me some hope that this will get better. If anyone is familiar with this book, the page that I return to over and over is the one with the illustration of how getting better isn't like a straight line that climbs up over time. It's more like a jagged lightening bolt with little climbs up and then deep drops back down. Well, today I dropped really low. I have to admit that I do feel...different than I did a month or two ago. I can't say better. I still cry every day. I still feel empty inside. I still can't focus on anything and have a hard time getting work done. The only thing thats different is that I am getting used to this pain. I guess I've learned to live with it. But is that "getting better"?
I went to his website tonight. Why? He has been doing work. Why has he apparently been able to function and I still can't? It seems wrong to me that the one who causes the pain gets to go on with life as usual. And the one who was on the receiving end has to struggle. Doesn't he deserve to suffer, to be unhappy, to feel empty and like a bad person instead of me?
His birthday is in a few weeks and our anniversary would have been at the end of the month. I just want to make it through April. I just want to leave Chicago, leave here because I am still surrounded by the life that we had together. I just want him to call me- I know that's bad, but I've been praying and bargainin with God. I'll do anything just to hear him say that he misses me and wants me back. That he's been miserable too. I just want to know that he misses me and thinks about me everyday like I do him. I really don't know if I am strong enough to do this....I just keep repeating to myself what I read in the book "the only way out is through".
But I could use some help today because I am really falling apart. Thanks for listening.

Stay strong, and let the hurt pass. Believe me, I know the emotions...and I just read How to Survive the Loss of a Love three nights ago and LOVED the chart you are talking about. It has been almost 6 weeks since I stopped talking to my ex (he was very cruel and unhealthy for me and I FINALLY walked away after 5.5 years of on/off love). He moved this week (a saving grace) and has tried to contact me numerous times before he left, with a big apology email before leaving that told me he loved me, etc, but not enough time has passed to make him realize what he is sorry about--just past of the formula that used to work in the past. I will not talk to him anymore...I don't trust his intentions and now I deserve better. And I will someday express forgiveness, though maybe not directly to him--I do forgive him...I actually thank him. These past 6 weeks have been HUGE. I am growing, learning, changing--and I have opened myself up in a new way--I am going to a new church, joined a bible study class, have met some great girls through my career, and go to dinner a lot with friends, as well as read on my own.
But you know what--I have hard times still. where I feel weak, that I want to call him, have everything work out, make all the pain go away. but that is the "toxins" leaving my body--five plus years of this unhealthiness, this pattern, is not going to die off easily:) and I let it all pass and thank God for giving me the opportunity to feel as much as I do.
Let things work their way out of you but also be proactive in making healthy changes in your life. Do whatever it takes to make this a huge learning and growing experience...and put yourself out there and meet new people!
You are reminded of him b/c his b-day is coming up and b/c of your anniversary. do something with friends on both of those days and treat yourself--pamper yourself. don't spend them alone in sorrow. set aside time to hurt and in the other part of your day, embrace yourself and congratulate yourself on your strength. spring is coming--celebrate your new life!
belcanto,
first and foremost - (((HUGS))) to you.
theres two perspectives that id like to share with you right now:
(#1)
the first, is of what im feeling right now...
i most definately feel your pain.. i know exactly how it feels to dreamand have nightmares of him; i know how it feels to wake up and feel empty even before your eyes open; i know how it feels to cry in the shower and feel so emotionally drained; i know how it feels to be constantly reminded of him; i know how it feels to keep begging God to return him to us; i too know how it feels to have "breakup study guide" become our bibles (for me, i like "how to heal a broken heart in 30 days").. the list goes on and on.
it just hurts and aches and it tears us up inside. i wonder - how is it physically possible that i have THAT many tears to cry?? how is it physically possible that i can emotionally hurt THAT much?!
i had a meltdown tonight. when i saw him briefly this weekend to "forcefully" retrieve my belongings, my ex had told me that hes become engrossed in this computer game. and tonight, i looked it up on the net.. and when i saw it on the screen, i started crying. i hated the fact that instead of missing me or thinking about us - hes playing with warriors and weapons?! WTF!? furthermore - my ex and i broke up on odd grounds - basically, we broke up due to his "emotional issues" and instead of thinking them through or solving them - hes playing a stupid game! and worse part is, it doesnt even surprise me.. i know him like i know the back of my hand, and for him - whenever he has to face something difficult - he runs. he'll start to think of something, and when he doesnt have an immediate solution, his head starts to "hurt" (as he so explained to me before!) and he'll turn to something else to distract himself. and so thats what he's done - instead of thinking about me, or our lost relationship, or about his issues - hes playing a game.. so "funny" how that is SO typical of him ... UGH...GRR.
and like you said - i hate that he's going on with his life. waking up, going to work, coming home, playing his game, going to bed - and thats it. whereas me - i can barely perform daily tasks, i procrastinate everything that i sooo badly need to accomplish, i have a meltdown every day, my head and heart is consumed by him - how is this fair?!
so yes - i can definately relate to how youre feeling...
BUT..next:
(#2)
this is the second time my ex and i have broken up. we originally broke up last spring - and let me tell you, i was a WRECK. i mean, i was sooooooooooooo torn up - that honestly, i was probably 10x's worse than i am now - and thats BAAADDDD. i didnt know how to breathe again til months later...it was literally one of THE worse experiences i have ever had to go through ..
but, months later - i actually did feel BETTER. not only did i get "accustomed" to the pain (not that thats any better) - but, at one point, i started to smile again. then, more time passed - and i actually reached a point where my life returned to some form of normalcy. i thought about him, but didnt necessarily feel the urge to cry. i could do the things that him and i used to share once more. our memories made me more nostalgic than depressed...
so, i know that it IS possible to feel alive again. its just hard to see now when we're so blinded by our tears.. i think our bodies and emotions can only hold so much before it hits a defensive wall and we begin to naturally recouperate .. and i know that it means almost nothing to hear someone say: "time heals" or "it will get better," - because truth is, when youre feeling THAT bad - whatever anyone says really just wont cut it.
but, in retrospect - another day has just gone by - and we just gotta' take each day as it comes.. breakups are like mountains.. climbing up is SO hard, but once we pass that hump - it becomes soo much easier on the otherside...
but, if you ever need support, or just need to vent - please feel free to drop me a message!
hugs -
eeksj
Nanooes and Eeks,
Thanks for being supportive. Nanooes, that is a really good idea about making plans with friends on his birthday and our anniversary. I have been trying not to think about it, but it's always in the back of my mind. I know spring is a time of rebirth, but right now it's just painful. Some of my (happiest?) memories of our relationship are of things we did in the spring. It also reminds me of when we first met in college...all that bittersweet stuff.
And I'm definetely not at a point where I can celebrate my new life. I am still mourning the loss of the life I thought I was going to have- planning our wedding, looking forward to getting married, moving in together, starting a family. That was supposed to be my new life. I don't have anything to celebrate right now. But it sounds like you are taking some positive steps in your life, and congratulations!
Eeks, "I think our bodies and emotions can only hold so much before it hits a wall and we begin to naturally recouperate". That's a great point. You've given me another litter quote to tell myself.
You said that this is the second breakup with your bf. This is the third one for me in four years. The way you describe your ex sounds alot like mine and the way he handles his problems. But for me, this breakup is hitting me harder than anything in the past. I guess it's because I thought the old problems were gone. I thought we had moved on to another phase in our relationship, or else why would he have proposed to me? If the same problems had still been evident, I don't know if I would have accepted his proposal. But I thought we were in a good place.... I feel betrayed and also like he made a mockery of the idea of marriage. I feel like he took something sacred and special and turned it into a joke. We hadn't even been engaged for three months when he broke up with me (over the phone)
I feel like he has ruined the idea of marriage for me. Now, it will always have negative associations. How will I be able to take it seriously if someone proposes to me again one day? I wanted so badly to call him tonight and ask him if there's any way we could work things out. Luckily, it's late and I can go to bed soon instead. I'll wake up in the morning and hopefully realize how silly that sounds.
Thank you both for your kind words and advice.
Belcanto,
I'm so sorry to hear about your setback, I think everybody here knows what you are going through. We each have our own stories, but I think we share the same pain. I know that for me, I can feel when I'm about to start a downward spiral. I'll see something that reminds me of him, even just remember a happy memory. I know what path that will lead me down--crying, wondering why I'm not good enough, etc. and I do whatever I can to avoid it. I immediately grab my dog's leash and take him for a walk, put on my running shoes and go for a run, or pick up the phone and call family/friends without talking about him. I just have to avoid that path as much as possible because it leaves me feeling sick to my stomach and completely hollow.
I know that your ex-fiance is probably very sad, he's just using his work as a coping mechanism. I have a hard time focusing on work right now, but my ex bf is working 18 - 20 hour days right now and I think he's doing that to keep his mind off of this breakup. I know he's sad, but he's focusing on what he needs to do to heal. I'm sure your ex-fiance is doing something similar. I wish I could do the same, but it's just not as easy for me and probably not for you, either. But I'm sure he must have cared for you a lot and is having a hard time.
I decided after some time that I needed to make an appt. with a therapist. My appt. isn't until next week, but I'm really hoping that he can help me focus on how to get over this and help me with some of the mistakes I made in the relationship so that I emerge a healthier person. If you feel like you're not making progress, maybe somebody can help you with the process...
Good luck and we're here for you!
Hi, belcanto,
I just read your post. I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I truly empathize. It amazes me how similar the pain of breakup is, among different people. Your words could have come out of my mouth. I too am trying to get over an ex-fiance, then ex-bf, of one year. I am only 5 days from the breakup date.
I know the sick emptiness, the dreams, the wondering how the other person can function/work when we're in absolute agony, the bargaining w/ god . . . it's truly a nightmare, isn't it?
Thx for the book recommendation. I think I have it at home somewhere and will dig it out. Another good one is "The Journey From Abandonnment to Healing." don't know if that fits your circumstances or not.
I'm not sure how long you two were together? Sorry if I missed earlier posts. I just worry that you are still crying every day at three months. of course everyone is different and i know i grieve more deeply than most people too. are you on an antidepressant? is that something you would consider? I'm on Lexipro. have tried others and this is the best i've ever taken as far as little to no side-effects. i always gained weight and had no libido on others, not a problem w/ Lexapro. Do you see a therapist? Talk to friends?
Moving away from the city where you have memories is a good thing! I hope you can do that soon, definitely. You are a beautiful person and don't deserve this pain.
love and prayers,
scorpio
Scorpio,
thanks for your post. We were together for four years. Sometimes it worries me too that I am still crying so much, but we had a very deep connection- he was not only a lover, but my best friend. He understood me better than anyone else in my life. There are so many times when I want to share something that's happening in my life that only he would appreciate. Those are the times that I want to call him the most. But I don't.
I have good days too. Some days I might only shed a few tears and some days I might feel miserable but I manage not to cry. I consider those times small victories. Yesterday was so much hell that I was determined that today was going to be better. Last night I was angry that I was feeling so miserable. I thought why am I so sick over someone who loved me but in the end treated me with such utter disrespect? He doesn't deserve to have so many tears shed over him. But you know, logic and rational thinking are great, but emotions are more powerful.
So today I was feeling better. And I was proud of myself that I didn't call him last night. But today a friend made a comment that I suppose was meant to be sympathetic or encouraging, but instead it brought me down a little bit. I told her that he didn't love me anymore, that i could sense it and that was hard for me. She said "of course he still loves you- he's just not in love with you anymore". I know she didn't mean to upset me, but it did a little. But I am determined to have a good day today. I'm going shopping with some friends this evening.
I have been seeing a therapist, and I have been taking an anti-depressant for about a month. I'm not sure if it's working yet....I'll give it some more time. Thanks for your book recommendation too. I will check that one out and see if it is as helpful as "How to Survive the Loss of a Love".
Thanks for your post,
belcanto.
Take Care Of You,
Tammy
belcanto,
I too feel your pain. I ended an engagement too. And in our situation we had been together 7 years and broken up several times too. The broken engagement was much more difficult to deal with than the others for me too...because it meant more to break an engagement than to break up a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. That was a broken promise. I worry too that in the future it may make me second guess when i get to that point with any other man. Will i believe that he really wants to spend his life with me? My thoughts always are that when it's meant to be I'll just know...whether that's a good thought process or not it helps to ease my mind, and that's what matters most.
I do think I did ok this time with the breakup, even though it was harder than in the past. I was almost forced into dealing with it head on...2 months after we broke the engagement he was dating another girl and a month later he was married to her. Talk about a sting!
Anyway, I will stop babbling about myself and get to the point of my post. I just wanted to say that everyone deals with breakups differently...and it takes longer for some people. I know that you probably aren't ready to begin looking for love again just yet, but i came across a book when i was ready to start looking again. It's called "Mars and Venus Starting Over"...and it actually isn't all about finding love again, like I had thought. It's actually about the different ways that men and women handle breakups. It may help you to understand the way he is handling it...as well as the way you're handling it...and it could ease your mind a little. It's part of the "Mars and Venus" series...I don't know if you've read any of them. It wasn't really what I was looking for at the time, but it certainly did answer some of my questions about the way he was handling our breakup...as well as the ways I handled it.
Anyway, check that book out of you want and let me know what you think of it.
Take care and my heart is with you...
~jen