I did the breaking up, he won't back off

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
I did the breaking up, he won't back off
8
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:10pm

I need help. I am (very) apparently saying the wrong things or not communicating very clearly.

I am 29 years old, single mom of 2 kids. He is 32, single, no kids. We met Nov 2002, we worked for the same company. Soon after, we found that we had the same group of mutual friends. He had just moved from out of state in Oct, which is why I hadn't met him before. When I first met him, I was in a relationship and made it clear I would not cheat on my boyfriend. My then boyfriend was transferred for work in January, we broke up by March.

I started dating the new guy May 2003. Dec 2003, I introduced him to my kids (Very low-key, early evening dinner at Champps), he freaked out. I respected that, we talked, he said he needed more time. Alright, no problem. By around Feb 2004, I started to initiate 'the talk'. You know, where are we going with this, etc. He was "fine with things the way they were" (of course). He thought we were great, etc. By May 2004, we broke up. He said that neither of us are getting our needs met, that he doesn't know why I need to "label" our relationship, that he needed to be more of a priority in my life (I have 2 kids, they are my priority). I explained to him that he hasn't even been able to commit to us being in a relationship, yet he wanted to be #1...We split, he called to "talk" turns out he was trying to seduce me. Uhmm. No sir. Doesn't work that way. So, we cut contact with each other.

About 6 weeks later, we were at a gathering of a mutual friend. He tried to introduce me to a friend of his that I'd never met as his girlfriend, I didn't respond to that and said, It's Nikki. Just Nikki. So, he got offended that I was "acting funny" around his friend. We ended up in a spat over the phone, with us basically yelling at each other why we were upset. We ended up getting back together July 2004.

Fast forward to about...Oct 2005 - Things were alright for the most part during the period of Jul 04 - Oct 05. Around then, we started having communication breakdowns again. We got an anonymous email (someone had made from a hotmail account) to check out his webpage and ask him about a certain female. I check out the page, there are very recent photos of him (none with me in them of course) and talk of the kind of woman he is "looking for", etc. It's not a dating site, sort of like a myspace site. So, I ask him about it, ask him about the woman. He denies it all, that page is old, yes, he updated the pictures but "forgot' to update the text. All sounded like BS to me. This woman is someone he dated 5 years ago, they are just friends. Never mind that their communication is all "Sweetie", etc. She lives in NY, SO WHAT!?! Doesn't mean you aren't doing something disrespectful.

We get through that, it's now April 2006. I am starting to have issue that it has now been almost 3 years into the relationship and he still doesn't feel "comfortable" with my kids and my family (we are VERY close). So, nix everything else, if you can't see yourself building a relationship with my kids, we can't deal. 3 years, he's never had dinner with us, he's never stayed over, he's never initiated anything that involves the kids. he's constantly planning trips for us, and NONE ever include the kids. It had been 3 years and he's never come over on say, a Friday night to watch a movie. My kids are 8 and 7, not little babies. They go to bed at 8:30~9:00. Plenty of time for us to still have alone time, especially on the weekend.

May 2006, I considering breaking up. We have this vacation planned to Mexico. I talk to him, tell him what I am feeling, we agree that perhaps this week alone and away from everything will allow us to reconnect. By day 3 I was ready to go home. We barely spoke the rest of the trip. June, we talk again, Same convo. I feel this way, he feels that way, we say we are going to work on what the other needs. July, same convo. August, I admittedly, start to withdraw. September, we are barely speaking to each other. Generally a 10 minute convo at night, hey, how was your day, goodnight. October 11, I end it.

he comes over and wants to talk, all that he says is it couldn't have been "that bad" for me to end it. I don't understand this. Should we stay together until we crash and burn, or if one of us isn't feeling it, should we get out? He still is not ready to make a commitment to be with me, to be a part of my children's lives. For me, this is a dealbreaker. I can't consider "forever" with you if you can't see yourself with my children and I as a family. He starts to IM me, I block him. He starts sending me text messages, initially I responded to texts, emails, and then I realized that's only encouraging it. So now Ive stopped. He sends cards, wrote a letter. Tells me that he was going to propose on Christmas. HUH!?!?!? Last month you weren't ready to commit.

Now, he sends me an email about his best friend being hospitalized. I send my best wishes, hope all is ok, etc. Opened the door. he sends a 6 paragraph email back. I tell him I need my space, he flips out that I lied about loving him, etc, etc. He ends with
"We can at least be friends. Call him sometimes, Come by. Something."

What do I need to say? Or is it time to just ignore him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:19pm

I just posted my first topic on here and read yours, I'm 29 as well with two kids. I truely believe that being a single mom gives us a true test to a mans character. If he doesn't appreciate your kids he's a looser, sorry thats harsh I know, but anyone who can't enjoy the company of children (mine are 9 and 8) has a lot of grwoing up to do!!

I think a man should feel honoured if I want him to meet my children. If he's not, thats a sure sign that he's NOT the one for me!

-Kindred spirit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:27pm

THANK YOU! I knew it couldn't just be me :)

I tried to explain that also. It's like, I don't introduce my kids to every guy I date, you know!?!?

He just doesn't seem to GET IT. I know that I can't give him anymore of my time

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:38pm

DO NOT, and I mean DO NOT have any more contact with this guy. If for three years he can't develop a relationship with your kids he is not for you--and quite honestly he sounds a little crazy.

The whole line "I was going to propose at Christmas, I have a sick friend" is nothing more than his way to try and manipulate you and try to get back into your life.

Cut him off completely!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 2:25am
Be happy!!!! You were brave enough to finally see him for who he is!! I was in a relationship very simular. And I very much told him that he has just entered into my heart where there is a lot of love. My children are my most important priority, if he wants to be part of that love, he is more than welcome to be there, because I have room, but he is not going to ever ever take the place of my children. My children will always be there, and he has proven that he will not always be there....so be happy!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 4:38pm

I know that I can't give him anymore of my time-----much2young

Ok, this is what my ex said to me on Saturday when he broke up with me. So let me ask you this---if you really were into that guy that you just broke up with, would you make the time for him and/or would you let him know that at the moment, you can't give more time to the relationship, but you really like him so just stick with you because you'll eventually come up for air....or something like that. Point being---if someone likes someone, won't they do everything possible to see that person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 5:12pm

::Point being---if someone likes someone, won't they do everything possible to see that person?

As in what, not abiding by their wishes, calling all the time, trying to get them to see you?

::I know that I can't give him anymore of my time-----much2young

She's probably drained. He won't back off, won't give her space, won't abide by her wishes.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 5:23pm

::Point being---if someone likes someone, won't they do everything possible to see that person?

::As in what, not abiding by their wishes, calling all the time, trying to get them to see you?-------itwinflame

No, not ME doing everything. I haven't called him since Saturday, the day we broke up. As in if my bf really wanted to be with me, he'd find the time to do it no matter how much he had to work and no matter how tired he was. Right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 5:36pm

As in if my bf really wanted to be with me, he'd find the time to do it no matter how much he had to work and no matter how tired he was. Right?

Absolutely. That's what people do when they are 'in love' especially when the relationship is new. Stay home and do laundry..ha ha, what laundry? We always find time for the things that are a priority.


Carrie