I did it...?
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| Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:17am |
So, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years last night and it sucked. I don't think he really saw it coming although we had a quasi-argument a few weeks ago and breaking up was mentioned. We wanted such different things out of life... I'm in Grad School, looking forward to graduating next year and someday having a family and a home... and he just finished college, is living with his parents, depressed because he's in debt and can't find a job and has aspirations of traveling the globe, but never wants kids or responsibilities...
For years, I saw it coming... but I did nothing... I guess with my future so close at hand, I knew I had to do something... I was strong last night... not a lot of crying... but today, I'm a leaky faucet... I know I'm a great person, a pretty girl, and positive friend... but I just feel like its impossible for me to ever love again... is that normal? The thought of dating again makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out... And of course its the next to last week of classes and my mind is just racing... what do I do?
Amanda

Hi Amanda... first off... from what you have said it sounds like you made the right choice. And as I have said here so many times to different people (and to myself many times) the right choice isn't always the EASY choice. Yep, it's normal to be sad. This is the end of a relationship, no matter how great or bad it was... the end to some of your hopes for what could be with this person. It doesn't mean you don't care about him but it is good to recognize that you do not have the type of love for him necessary to sustain a true relationship. If you are at a different place in life than he is, then you HAVE to move on... you want kids, he doesn't... frankly, that's a HUGE difference.
Give yourself time to heal completely before you date again. There is no rush. Right now is a time to be selfish and figure out what you want and need... filling the empty hole with some poor guy who believes you are emotionally available would no doubt lead to someone else being hurt... better to not date until you KNOW you are emotionally available again... and yes, it's normal, from what I can tell, to have the thought of dating right now be repugnant to you... it sure as heck is to me! I enjoy getting some very casual attention from men, being told I'm attractive etc, but the thought of actually kissing someone else still freaks me out right now...
take care and stand strong in your decision. it is truly critical in a healthy relationship for both partners to have the same values and want the same things out of life... doesn't mean you have to be identical in every aspect, but on the big stuff, like marriage, kids, homelife, etc, it sure helps to hold the same values!
Thanks... I appreciate the kind words and support...
I got a text from him today. He wants to talk tonight. When I broke up with him, he barely said anything... and after consulting my Aunt is a master at relationships, she said I should let him talk so he can get some closure....
So now I scared, worried, anxious... I mean, what do I say to a guy after 4 years and my "suddenly" calling it quits. I don't think he'll yell... but I can see him begging... and I know have to stand my ground... and I know its gonna be really tough...
But really, I don't know what to expect or say... and that freaks me out the most... anyway, just getting that off my chest helps... I think I'm all cried out for the day.
I'm glad the breakup went okay.
First, it's really wonderful to hear that you are so ambitious and self-directed in your life. Grad school is a huge accomplishment and you should be extremely proud of yourself. Everything you are feeling is totally reasonable and (unfortunately) right on for just leaving a relationship. That's why these boards exist :) It's hard. But Caberchick gave you some great advice. Breaking up is not always the *easy* choice, but if you envision your life a certain way and your partner has different desires than you, most likely you have made the best decision. I am saying those same words to myself and I'm pretty sure everyone on this web site has to repeat them many times over each day. You made the best decision for you. That matters so much. But, yep, it totally sucks too cause it hurts. I left a six year relationship three months ago but it gets better. It really does. Take really, really good care of yourself. I know that can be a bit tough but the nicer you are to yourself the better you will cope and feel. Your aunt is also right. Let him talk if he needs to and if you feel OK with that. Also, keep in mind that you have the right to set some boundaries. Maybe it would be better if you talked in a week instead of so soon after? Breaking up is all about perspective. Gosh, I went to Europe just to get some but really it's time that gives you answers. So during this time, be really good to yourself. Take care and much, much peace to you.
Hi Amanda,
First of all, CONGRATS on getting it done! Obviously you've given this some thought and it wasn't spur of the moment. Actually going through with a breakup is the hardest thing and I hope (if this is what you truly want) that you STICK WITH IT and don't fall back into your RUT. I am in a bit of the same predicament myself except my boyfriend and I have been together almost 8 YEARS!!!!!! We met when I was just 18 so you can do the math. I moved from my hometown (6 hours away) 4 years ago to be with him and we share an apartment, 2 dogs and a cat together but I know I've come to end of my rope with this relationship so at the end of the month I am moving back "home" - I actually bought my first condo - and ending the relationship. You can imagine how difficult and TENSE things have been between us. He'll stay in the apartment.
I still love him and I know he loves me but we are totally not compatible and I don't want to make any more sacrifices for him. I am a professional and totally support the both of us and always have. I don't think I am IN LOVE with him anymore and that kind of love will never return. It doesn't help that friends are starting to get married, buy houses, have children and I am still held back by my relationship. He is in landscaping, doesn't work that regularly and is SO in debt and constantly depressed. He's also an alcoholic. BUT at the same time I can say that he's warm, generous, passionate, patient and the MOST intelligent (notice, I didn't say smart since he's not all that smart with his money and everyday practical issues) person I have EVER known. But we would never make it as a married couple. On every practical level, we are incompatible.
Well, I could go on and on but I won't. There's no point dwelling on the past and what I can only say has been MY weakness in not being able to take control of my own life and pursue my own happiness. It has taken me almost 8 years and I have to physically leave the city to get away from him (and avoid being close enough to get back together) but at least I am finally doing it and I could not be more excited about what 2005 holds. Don't get me wrong, I'm TERRIFIED too. My boyfriend understands and accepts me for all that I am and all that I'm not. He knows me inside and out and we've been through everything together. EVERY song is OUR song. Everything I look at reminds me of him. But for someone who knows me so well and knows what I need he isn't ABLE to give me what he knows I want and need. He has his own issues to work on and his own problems to figure out and he will never be the person I want him to be...at least not in the near term.
My family and friends will be there to support me. If I stayed in this city, I would have no one and I'd end up calling him and telling him I regret everything and please come back. Then I'd hang up the phone and ask myself, Now WHY did I just do that?! This time we'll have hundreds of miles between us and I am making a commitment to MYSELF and my own happiness. I am READY to be an independent, strong, woman. I bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. I am ready to discover who I really am, what I have to offer, what I DESERVE and what I should never put up with ever again.
I haven't done it yet but moving day is a few short weeks away. January 1st is the first day in my new place and my new life. I know I'll be shedding more than my fair share of tears but I have to remind myself that I will be crying NOT because my decision is wrong and I want him back but because it's hard to let go of the past and easy to hang onto your fear. OF COURSE we'll all meet someone new, someone BETTER - this is the same fear that keeps millions of women in bad relationships year after year. On your wedding day with your future husband (assuming it's a different person than your ex) I doubt you'll have any regrets about THIS breakup :) The sooner you let go of a bad relationship, the sooner you can find a better one. From what I understand, he wasn't PERFECT for you in every way anyway! At least you didn't have kids with him yet...then you'd really be in trouble.
I have a feeling I'll be coming back to this board often in the next little while to receive support and to give support. Amanda, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Here's to your happiness, mine, and more in 2005!
Cathy
I know this is Amanda's post (sorry Amanda), but Cathy I just read your email to Amanda and I am in the exact same situation...except I have just rapped up everything you are about to do. I'll not go into the details except to say that my situation was so similiar to yours it was like reading my own words; my ex and i were together six years though. The reason I'm writing is because I am now in my new condo (the one I bought) and it is the most therapeutic, relaxing, and fantastic experience. You are going to love it!!! Before I moved in, I worried and worried because I had bought this for us, it was supposed to be our first home together but I decided after the 800th fight about his porn addiction that I really thought our life values were completely different and I didn't want my new place to be the same stressful environment. So, I booked a trip to Europe with a girl friend and he booked a trip to Vegas to see some strippers. Talk about proving my choice was the right one! But, now that I'm all moved in, I have actually realized that all of the lead up was so much harder than the *reward* of having my *own* space. I wake in the morning and it is my energy I feel, and it is peace. My own self-respect, happiness, and self is returning. Each day I grow. Plus I paint, decorate, change hard ware, read about budget living and it really is just so absolutely fun. On top of it, you also have a physical entity that shows your growth and change. And it's a change that feels really special and fantastic. I am so proud of you, Cathy. From what you wrote you sound like an amazing woman who is about to embark on a really fanastic journey. I wish you all the luck in the world!! And remember the loneliness that sneaks up will pass. Fill your life. Enjoy your friends. Throw a house-warming, a brunch, join a book club, or an art club. This is your life now and all that energy that used to go into your relationship is now your own again. Enjoy it. All the best to you.
Katie