I did it, now I can't move on? long

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
I did it, now I can't move on? long
1
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:59am

I broke up with my bf of 1 year 2 weeks ago. There was always some kind of crisis, he was always so negative. I felt myself feeling bad about the positive things in my life. I tried to support him but there were so many times I was just thinking man are you ever happy? I began to see signs of him being a victim. He'd say, "life sucks for some of us then we die. I just wasn't meant to be happy in this life." Seriously, what did he expect I do? I mean my own boyfriend is basically telling me he'll never be happy...that made me feel awful! Scared too that I would be doomed to a life of negativity and unhappiness with him. Although I will say that he never treated me poorly, he was actually a great bf besides the few things I broke up with him for but I don't think these things are insignificant. But the good things are why I stayed. I stayed for a year trying to figure it out, hoping it wasn't a life long attitude but after a year I was just drained. He has 2 ex wives and 3 kids. The first ex was in prison for drug trafficing, he has custody of his 2 kids from that marriage but they live with his Dad because his second ex didn't like his son? Never really got the whole story on that one. There was also some stuff going on with his ex-wife#2 that I just thought was strange. They have a kid and I am all for having a relationship for your kid's sake but she would ask if she could go to this private club where a member has to invite you, he's a member, and he would say yes. I said what does hanging out drinking on friday have anything to do with your kid? Plus, he never once asked me how I felt about it? So, then everyone at the club would be asking me if I was ok with her being there...frustrating! She was always nice to me, I had no real problem with her but all he ever did was talk crappy about her. She was a bad wife, mother, etc. So, it was pretty difficult to be open to her after all I had heard was his ugly side of it. When we broke up I told him that i didn't think he had processed his break up with her and that the stress she caused in his life was brought on by him cuz he allowed it. 2 nights in a row before I broke it off she was over at his place because she is having problems with her husband. Now the first time this happened she started the same stuff, because she knows she can. Anyway, so that is basically why I broke it off...basically it felt ike a jerry springer episode. SO, I thought we could be friends, I hoped that my leaving because he was so negative might actually wake him up a little. I know, wishful thinking but a girl can hope. He seemed devastated, we cried, talked...I almost thought we would work thru this. I called him a couple of times after the break-up...then I saw it, a personal ad online 6 days after we broke up. My heart broke, if he was so hurt how could he? Anyway, in the moment I sent an email. Not nasty but basically like how could you move on so quickly? didn't I mean anything to you? I purposely didn't say anything mean. BUT he emailed me back a horrible email basically F you and a lot of horrible things. In reality I was a hypocrite. I had gone out right after the break and got drunk, gave my number to a guy and had talked on the phone with him. Why was it ok for me but not him? Selfish, my ego, etc. So, I emailed him back and apologized for starting this to begin with. He questioned my character, at this point so do I, said I kicked him when he was down...which was all the time. That I didn't know loyalty and I was only out for myself etc. This really got to me and he knew it would, sent me into isolation and depression. You see, I pride myself in being the friend you can count on for help, the one who will go out of her way to help someone I care about...my friendships span 35+ years and the people who know me best say I am loyal to a fault. my sister said I need to be loyal to myself too and not feel selfish about that.

Anyway, I got an email from him asking me to respect that he needs time to get over this and that he wants to be my friend but he would call when he is ready. He also said I was the best gf he had ever had and that I was wonderful to him but he was afraid if we talked now he would say mean and hurtful things out of anger. I told him I respected his wishes and wished him well. I have been so depressed for the last week, I cry all the time. I miss him SO much. I wonder what was wrong with me. I should have stood by him. I love him, you don't walk out on people you love, you just don't and I did. I miss his smile (haven't seen that in a LONG time), and his eyes, I even miss him complaining. I miss his kids. My heart is so heavy and sad. I know I should probably be glad that it is over, that I can just be happy me again but I literally can barely move. I don't sleep, barely eat, shower only cuz I have to and besides work I haven't really left my house. I'm scared...what did I do? How am I going to get out of this funk? What if I made the biggest mistake of my life? I chose this, I know. This is SO hard...I wish he would call so we could talk. I can't contact him it wouldn't be right. I think I've already done enough damage to both of us...I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 9:54am

Hi, I just broke it off with my boyfriend about a week ago for similar reasons. I wasn't happy he wasn't making me happy and I felt trapped. If you were feeling strongly enough against this relationship to break it off then its probably for the best.

I've been telling myself that I don't easily let people into my life and my heart. I'm a loner. Also, I never break things off So if this guy worked his way into my life and ended up screwing things up with me enough that I would physically, painfully choose to cut him out of my heart, then there's a pretty good reason.