i didn't call, but he texted
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| Sat, 05-12-2007 - 10:33am |
i survived the day without contacting him. I didn't call last night, I wanted to, but I didn't. He texted me, which led to a stream of texting, but i'm glad i didn't tell him anything about me or what happened. I am okay with that. This morning when I woke up, I didn't feel awful and I didn't want to contact him. I wrote in my journal and I felt better.
HIM@10:11pm- I WANTED 2 SAY HELLO, HOW WAS UR VACATION N HOW U BEEN.
me- How do you think my response should be
HIM@10:29pm- U HAD A BLAST IN FL. AND U STILL HAVE HATE 4 ME. SORRY I ASKED SUCH DUMB Qs
me- It is not a dumb q. Given that i no longer trust you, what is the purpose of contacting me? if you were in my shoes would you really think forgiveness is so easily granted? How could you expect absolution for your words and actions? Be honest now. Why bother worrying over someone you dont want anymore?
HIM@10:50pm- TRUST THAT I DO MISS U FROM TIME 2 TIME. NO, FORGIVENESS SHOULD NOT B EASILY GRANTED. THAT IS UP 2 U IF EVER. I UNDERSTAND IF IT"S NEVER. I HAVE NOTHING POSTIVE 2 JUSTIFY 4 WHAT I DID XCEPT I'M SORRY. (my thought- i think that this is BS bc he is still seeing the other woman)
HIM@11:02pm- IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT.. I WILL STOP CONTACTING U ALL 2GETHER. I BETRAYED U AND DON"T DESERVE UR TIME ANYMORE.
me- What do you benefit from contacting me?
HIM@11:12pm- CLOSURE
HIM@11:27p- Look, I just wanted to say i and how have you been, I AM sorry for what I have done and hope that one day we can have lunch and catch up. I will leave that in your hands. Goodnight.
I didn't respond because it was unecessary. Any thoughts? Knowing the same info over and over really doesn't get me anywhere, but I know I'm not obligated to be friends or give him closure. Closure is something he has to find on his own. Why does he want to be on good terms? I think, in hindsight, that maybe i should have just acted all la-di-dah like i was happy and moving on, instead of rehashing it. It's hard because i know i didn't do anything wrong in his eyes, but for some reason, i keep looking for something in myself to blame, when there is nothing.
Continuing my moving on....

Lord, this sounds like the convo between me and my ex months ago....When I said I couldn't be friends with him and he was like "Fine I won't bother you anymore"....Now he is with someone else....can we say heartbreaking.
I think that you just really need to stop contacting him, in all ways possible or you are NEVER going to move on...He's betrayed you and what you had and he doesn't deserve to be in your life anymore. Mine did the same things to me and as much as it hurts that he did this, I know that if given the chance I would not go back to him, and that is what gives me strength to try to not care about him at all.
Deleat his number from your phone, deleate him from IM, Deleate any way possible you could contact him....do it for yourself! What I keep telling myself is that if he is meant to be in my life, then he will show up again...down the line....but right now I can't even think about giving him the time of day, I get mad at myself for even thinking about him..because that is more than he deserves.
good luck hun, I know you will do the right thing.
>>It's hard because i know i didn't do anything wrong in his eyes, but for some reason, i keep looking for something in myself to blame, when there is nothing.<<
I feel this way too.
But think about why. You didn't do anything wrong so why do you feel like you're the one being punished? The feelings we are feeling should be because of something we did. But we did everything "right" and are still being punished. While he is the one that did wrong and gets to go on and be happy with someone else? Now people will say things like "he has to live with what he's done". What does that mean to us? Absolutely nothing because the only thing we KNOW is how we feel and we only SEE them being happy without us. And when people say "he doesn't deserve to talk to you" but I still think he broke up with me so not talking to me is probably something he wanted. so all those feelings he supposedly has doesn't make us feel any better about what happened. We don't get to see if he lies awake all night, if he gets upset when something reminds him of us. We don't get that we only know what we are experiencing.
I understand. Emotions brought on by other people suck.
lindseyloo- thanks for the encouragemet. i'm not sure what all the phases of getting over the breakup is, it's probably on the board somewhere!
you are right. talking to him really doesn't do anything for me (he called this morning again and left a message, but i'm not answering), i actually just feel pity for him now. pity that he is losing a great person and rushing into things that will only hurt himself down the road. pity that he doesn't really understand himself enough to realize that closure doesn't come from another person, but oneself!
the thing is with his betrayal is that i don't hate him. i've been very angry and resentful, but i can't bring myself to hate him. like i said before, i just feel sorry for him now. i'm looking forward to keep doing things for myself and having fun with my friends. i'm learning each day that i'm a lot stronger than i thought i was. there are a few days when i am down, but there have been a lot of days when i'm doing great and few just eh-okay days too. i'm still on the emotional rollercoaster, but it's okay with me.
sometimes i wonder if he tells her about his contacting me, or if she is encouraging him to contact me to seek closure for himself, but i realize that i can't let it bother me, because all they want is to see the reaction, so they have something to talk about.
continuing no contact, since it's working very well.