I didn't even see it coming...
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I didn't even see it coming...
| Mon, 05-16-2005 - 7:33pm |
Hi everyone,
My boyfriend and I were approaching our 1 year anniversary from our first date (our actual 1 year anniversary is exactly one month later) and he started acting a little bit strange. I asked him if everything was alright and he would just say "don't worry, everything is fine." So, of course, I'd let it go and take his word for it that everything was fine.
We had discussed getting married, and I truly feel that he would be a remarkable husband. He had told me that he had all intentions of marrying me when we are done with college and the only thing that would possibly get in the way would be if he couldn't find a job here and had to move away (in which case I would have followed him....that's how much I love him). He would actually bring up marriage without me even starting the conversation, so I knew it wasn't just because I was saying something and he just didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Two nights ago, we had gone out with one of my friends and her boyfriend and a couple of their friends for coffee, and when we got back to my place he said "Can I ask you something?" Right then I knew something was up...he had been acting strange, didn't have much of an appetite (which is totally unlike him)and just seemed "off". He asked me if I thought that we would make it long-term (like marriage long-term) and I said "yes". In fact, we had just overcome some major obstacles over the past couple of months because I was diagnosed with major depression. I definitely thought that if we could make it through that we could make it through anything (and he said the same thing). In addition, we go to different colleges so we were in a long distance relationship for an entire school year which is pretty remarkable if you ask me, as a lot of my friends can't even stay in a relationship across campus.
Our conversation turned into him saying that he needs time to sort stuff out because he doesn't know what makes him happy because he has spent so much time trying to make others happy. I completely understand this, and was totally supportive of taking a BREAK, but within about 20 minutes it had turned into "You will make some guy very happy one day...I just don't think I'm that guy." Of course we both cried, me more than him, as I was completely shocked at what had happened.
The next day I needed to have 2 of my unanswered questions answered, so I decided to take the easy way out and instant message him asking 1.) is there another woman? and 2.) Did you do it because you think it would make me happy? (this seems strange, but I am a chronic worrier and with a relationship I am constantly expecting the worst which makes me, well, not as happy as I would be if I weren't thinking that way, and he knew this about me). He answered both, the answer to 1. was NO (thankfully. I believe it too...he's just not that type of guy, but I still needed the closure, I guess something to actually pin the break up on since it was so unexpected) and the answer to 2. was also no. He began to tell me that he doesn't think it's fair to lead me on by staying in the relationship when he's not willing to commit to marriage because I deserve someone who is. (I'm a firm believer that if you don't see yourself marrying someone you're in a longterm relationship with you have no business being in it, and he knows this, so I know why he did what he did, I just don't understand what happened.)
He told me that he has never doubted whether he is in love with me, and he is, and I just don't understand why that isn't enough. We had already been through so much more than a lot of couples ever have to go through....I just wonder what if I had done stuff differently--we might still be together. It hurts so much to think that I did something that made him change his mind about me (I have no idea what it could be though...he told me it wasn't about my depression, and ensured me that I have done nothing wrong.)
He had said that it could be that he's just too immature, and I think it could possibly be that, but would that really make someone leave a great relationship? It's not like I expected him to marry me this year or anything! I know that I'm his first "real" relationship and I'm the first girl he's ever been in love with, so i believe that it is quite possible that he had never actually considered what "marriage" actually means--Not ever dating anyone again...just one person, everyday for the rest of your life.
How do I deal with this when I don't even know EXACTLY what it is that happened?! I just don't get it...even his friends said that they hadn't seen him as happy as he was when he was with me...
Sorry for rambling on and on, but I'm an absolute mess. I feel like my future is gone since I had planned my future with him in it and now he's not going to be a part of it...(yes, I plan on trying for friendship sometime later on when I'm healed and sure that I can handle just being his friend)...
My boyfriend and I were approaching our 1 year anniversary from our first date (our actual 1 year anniversary is exactly one month later) and he started acting a little bit strange. I asked him if everything was alright and he would just say "don't worry, everything is fine." So, of course, I'd let it go and take his word for it that everything was fine.
We had discussed getting married, and I truly feel that he would be a remarkable husband. He had told me that he had all intentions of marrying me when we are done with college and the only thing that would possibly get in the way would be if he couldn't find a job here and had to move away (in which case I would have followed him....that's how much I love him). He would actually bring up marriage without me even starting the conversation, so I knew it wasn't just because I was saying something and he just didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Two nights ago, we had gone out with one of my friends and her boyfriend and a couple of their friends for coffee, and when we got back to my place he said "Can I ask you something?" Right then I knew something was up...he had been acting strange, didn't have much of an appetite (which is totally unlike him)and just seemed "off". He asked me if I thought that we would make it long-term (like marriage long-term) and I said "yes". In fact, we had just overcome some major obstacles over the past couple of months because I was diagnosed with major depression. I definitely thought that if we could make it through that we could make it through anything (and he said the same thing). In addition, we go to different colleges so we were in a long distance relationship for an entire school year which is pretty remarkable if you ask me, as a lot of my friends can't even stay in a relationship across campus.
Our conversation turned into him saying that he needs time to sort stuff out because he doesn't know what makes him happy because he has spent so much time trying to make others happy. I completely understand this, and was totally supportive of taking a BREAK, but within about 20 minutes it had turned into "You will make some guy very happy one day...I just don't think I'm that guy." Of course we both cried, me more than him, as I was completely shocked at what had happened.
The next day I needed to have 2 of my unanswered questions answered, so I decided to take the easy way out and instant message him asking 1.) is there another woman? and 2.) Did you do it because you think it would make me happy? (this seems strange, but I am a chronic worrier and with a relationship I am constantly expecting the worst which makes me, well, not as happy as I would be if I weren't thinking that way, and he knew this about me). He answered both, the answer to 1. was NO (thankfully. I believe it too...he's just not that type of guy, but I still needed the closure, I guess something to actually pin the break up on since it was so unexpected) and the answer to 2. was also no. He began to tell me that he doesn't think it's fair to lead me on by staying in the relationship when he's not willing to commit to marriage because I deserve someone who is. (I'm a firm believer that if you don't see yourself marrying someone you're in a longterm relationship with you have no business being in it, and he knows this, so I know why he did what he did, I just don't understand what happened.)
He told me that he has never doubted whether he is in love with me, and he is, and I just don't understand why that isn't enough. We had already been through so much more than a lot of couples ever have to go through....I just wonder what if I had done stuff differently--we might still be together. It hurts so much to think that I did something that made him change his mind about me (I have no idea what it could be though...he told me it wasn't about my depression, and ensured me that I have done nothing wrong.)
He had said that it could be that he's just too immature, and I think it could possibly be that, but would that really make someone leave a great relationship? It's not like I expected him to marry me this year or anything! I know that I'm his first "real" relationship and I'm the first girl he's ever been in love with, so i believe that it is quite possible that he had never actually considered what "marriage" actually means--Not ever dating anyone again...just one person, everyday for the rest of your life.
How do I deal with this when I don't even know EXACTLY what it is that happened?! I just don't get it...even his friends said that they hadn't seen him as happy as he was when he was with me...
Sorry for rambling on and on, but I'm an absolute mess. I feel like my future is gone since I had planned my future with him in it and now he's not going to be a part of it...(yes, I plan on trying for friendship sometime later on when I'm healed and sure that I can handle just being his friend)...

You will get through this. Read a lot of posts on this board. You will relate to many of them. We are all here for each other as we go through the pain of loss.
I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. I'm going through a fresh break up as well and it hasn't been easy. I have a million questions and doubts running through my head, and sadly very few of those will be probably be answered.
You wrote: "He had said that it could be that he's just too immature, and I think it could possibly be that, but would that really make someone leave a great relationship?"
If this is his true reason for breaking up, I think it's pretty selfish of him. If your relationship was going well he shouldn't be breaking up b/c of his immaturity... rather he should be fixing his immaturity, which should make your relationship stronger. I don't want to sound harsh, but I think there is something he's not telling you. Right now you should take care of yourself and not worry about being friends with the ex. Hang in there!
elc
Hello,
We all feel and understand your pain. I understand that you have a million questions about why the relationship ended. He told you the same things that my ex told me: that I deserved a better man, that there was nothing wrong with me, that he couldn't committ, blah, blah, blah..... at the end the real reason is that they do not love you enough to commit and make it work. Men lose interest in women very fast, then they start chasing the next girl and repeat the cycle until they become old enough to settle down.
Yes, there is nothing wrong with me or with you, however there is nothing wrong with them as well. Unfortunately that's how men and women are. It is part of our culture and psyche. These terrible experiences should teach us women to be prepared for the next time. Do not expect so much from a man, they cannot make you happy. Your happiness is your responsability, it is only in your hands.
Iliana
I'm confused about this response. You say that the man did "not love her enough to commit and make it work" yet in the next paragraph you say that he will repeat the cycle until he's "old enough to settle down". The way you make it sound, a man never loves a woman enough to commmit, he merely gets old enough one day to settle down. It sounds as if you don't believe a man is capable of loving a woman enough to commit; that he just has to be forced by age one day to be settled down. I can see your point to a certain extent, as I have myself dealt with these emotionally delayed males, but I guess I don't harbor such a depressing view on what the human male is capable of.
It could very well be that he did love her enough but that their marriage wouldn't have been a practical one. YOu can love 10 people enough in your life to marry them but that doesn't mean it's going to be a successful marriage. When someone commits to someone else for life, hopefully they are being ruled by more than just their heart. In other words, a man CAN love a woman enough to marry her but if it's he thinks it's not going to work for whatever reason, he's not going to commit. I think it's sad to give people the impression that they haven't "been loved enough". Men can love deeply.
When you write "not to expect too much" from a man, I think that's exactly what not to do. Certainly don't expect them to provide your happiness for you, (I agree with that) but there is nothing wrong with expecting a man to be honest and monogamous. I think a lot of our problems around commitment does come from our culture, I agree with you on that. But it's too easy to just say, "I'm okay, you're okay". Being hurt over and over again is not okay. Telling someone you love them and want to marry them and then dumping them is not okay- especially if done time and time again.
ANd I disagree that there's "nothing wrong". There could in fact be something wrong. Damage from childhood, addictions to alochol/sex, etc. that make someone incapable of true intimacy. Marriage denotes intimacy and instead of saying that a man is just being a man by running from marriage, it might be wise to realize that whether man or woman, this person could have intimacy problems that may or may never be resolved.
Iliana, your responses, though sounding kind, seem to veil a deeper disappointment and even rage at whoever hurt you. It sounds like you've given up on the male gender and are encouraging other women to do so as well. You are right that only we are responsible for our happiness but there's nothing wrong with wanting to share that or have it enhanced by the presence of someone else. When you lose that presence, it's only natural to feel sad and hurt by the loss. Even the happiest and most responsible people get hurt by love.
You know, I do actually believe that immaturity is a big factor of my breakup. Marriage is a HUGE committment and you can't just make yourself mature enough to handle that kind of committment.
I love having a board like this to vent at and get feedback about what I've posted, but I hate the fact that people seem to automatically hate the person who dumped whoever is here...He did what he thinks is best, and I believe he's hurting too because it must be extremely hard to take something so important away from yourself. Yes, I am extremely hurt too, and even though I don't know exactly what he was thinking when he broke up with me, I can't hate him for what he's done--he doesn't want to hurt me in the long-run. So please, don't assume that every scenario is something you've already heard before.