I didn't sleep with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
I didn't sleep with him
14
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 10:17am
I'm sure that's a relief to many. This sucks, and I have to stop contact with him. When I was recovering from cancer, all he wanted was to get his hands inside my clothes, and now he's being really weird. Really nice, really considerate, holding my arm when we walk together, opening my car door, blushing when he came up to my bedroom, quickly suggesting we go get dinner and get out of the house. We did house tour, dinner and a movie, and throughout he was complimentary, told me I was beautiful, a great lawyer, blah blah blah. During the movie, he kept touching my arm, whispering in my ear, in an intimate but nonsexual way. We were out until after 1 am, he wanted to do whatever I wanted to do, he insisted on paying for dinner, kept opening doors for me and telling me how nice I looked, he was nice and flirty and kind of courtly/gentlemanly, very considerate and affectionate but not sexual.

So, what the crap is going on here? I would have just gone for a straight-up roll in the hay, but the whole atmosphere was very first-date like, with a slight edge of sexual tension but nothing overt, overlaid with an easy familiarity and intimacy that made it really weird. Plus, the way he was acting, I felt really weird about "making a move," like it would be deflowering a virgin or something, there was a feel of attraction and affection between us but he seemed so shy or something that I just wasn't getting a clear sexual vibe. And I initially thought, well, he just doesn't want to sleep with me. But he kept telling me I was gorgeous all night, talking about how men at the courthouse remarked on some of the women lawyers and he'd heard someone talking about me (hot and damn smart, tough combination), and I caught him gazing at my cleavage on more than one occasion.

He keeps wanting to spend weekends with me, called and emailed twice to confirm last night, apologized profusely when he got a call from work and had to excuse himself (he didn't want work to intrude on "our time" - and, yes, it really was work, I overheard the convo about filing motions), acted really date-like rather than friend-like. He was a "perfect gentleman" at dinner, we shared stories, he listened attentively, he was just very attentive to me, period, making sure the waitress got my drink refilled, opening doors, guiding me around a pothole as we walked out, telling me he'd had a lovely evening at the end. He went to elaborate lengths to mention that he had no plans tonight other than detailing his new car, which should take several hours. Why is he wasting my time, here? I mean, we're not getting together Sunday afternoon to go the museum, we're out til the bars close on Friday and Saturday nights, and he's acting like we're dating (except, of course, we're not sleeping together). And I'm half helplessly in love with him and half frustrated out of my mind by this crap. I am increasingly coming to believe that he is just trying to demonstrate that he's not a complete a--hole. But why go to all this trouble? Like, okay, maybe he gets some sort of personal satisfaction from not being perceived as a complete jerk, but why waste it all on me if he's not going anywhere with it, why spend his weekend nights on his best behavior on dinner-movie dates with his *ex*?

I have to stop seeing him. Last night, after the movie, I stopped at the ladies' room and as I headed out of the theater he rushed forward to open the door for me, and I found myself reaching up to rub his back and put my arm in his, just pure habit, and I was surprised I had done it, but he seemed okay with it and opened my car door and told me what a lovely night he'd had as soon as he got in. And crap like that is just killing me. We didn't just meet. We're not just starting dating. He hasn't said anything about being "friends" in like a month, but I can't tell if he thinks we're dating or just "hanging out." I need something else, I need a conversation about "us," I need to understand where he's coming from. After repeated events like this, I'm starting to think this is it, this is what he wants from me, just this weird, virginal almost-dating thing. It's wasting my time - why am I spending Friday night with him when I could be out with a guy who's clear that he's dating me? And seeing him again just makes me stupid, makes me love him, makes me forget he was a jerk when I needed him, but even though I left him it's like this whole weird "friends"-like thing is some sort of rejection. It's just not a good idea. I'm planning to get away to the lake for a long weekend this afternoon, I have to just make a break with him and have no more contact, it's too confusing and it hurts to keep doing this.

Anway, for those who were curious, that's how it went.


Edited 8/7/2004 10:42 am ET ET by milton333

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 11:24pm
If you hadn't already TRIED getting back together once, then I could see wanting to try again...but you've already tried that. He has shown you who he is. I really think he's acting this way for a reason you didn't mention...ego.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:36am
Hey Milton,

I agree with a lot of what tb said. Look we are human and that is perfectly reflected in the bad choices some people make and it is also clear in how love affects us. I think we should keep in mind that always "taking the high road" (i.e. no compromise) may not always lead to happiness. I think we need to be honest with ourselves in that we need to realize what we are able to compromise on and what we can't and to stick to those. But love does strange things to us. I think we all understand that.

Again, talk to him. Look you guys are having way too much contact to NOT talk about what it means and what you want. But seriously, if you guys can't be honest with eachother and yourselves at this point, it wont work. Thats all i know.

So give it a go if thats what you want. If it doesnt work, there ya go. But at least you wont have any regrets. Just don't compromise your core values and realize we are all human, and as tb said, we make mistakes and sometimes we learn from them. I think it will be clear if he has learnt from his. If it ends up being a 'mistake' then at least you found out for yourself. I remember telling my girlfriend during my breakup that i didnt want her to expect me to act a certain way based on HER past and what SHE wished she did or didnt do. All i knew was i had to go with my gut and my heart and that i needed to make my own mistakes. We all do because thats how we learn.

I know you will do whats best for you. And thats all thats needed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:46am
I am literally "rolling"on the floor - read on, you might too.

Here's a guy that "knows" you want hiim to be what you want and need, that you've invested years of your life in the 'potential future" with him and he knows that you're not "letting go" of the investment. He knows that you hold onto the 'hope" that he'll change and adopt your priorities and values and thus become waht you want/need/deserve - after all that you've tolerated, sacrificed, endured, provided, offered, given, and benefitted him with.

And he's been charming, courtly...he's well dressed, he's opening doors, he's been "glamorously flirtatious" instead of sexually obvious......Oh my God, waht about it don't you get?!

This guy is "romancing" himself......in your basic unconditional adoration of him no matter "which role he plays" - he's allowed to romance himself, seduce himself, ego stroke himself, etc. etc. etc. Literally, he can play any role on any night that the curtain is going to "go up" and you'll be in the audience, enraptured with his very presence, the allure of his diversity being a draw...with the confusion it inspires in you being what "holds you captive".


You're thinking...he's being so generous, so courtly, so charming, so chivalrous "because of me and how all that I am, and how sorry he is for what he did".....wrong sister...he's being all that so that he can show you his diversity of talent and options while knowing that no matter who he is or what he does - you'll applaud and scream "encore, encore".

The curtain goes down, he's basked in the limelight - he returns to his dressing room, he's able to"let down his hair" and put up his feet and revel in the reality that "no matter what role he plays - he's superior".

And if this example eludes you - think about this. 98% of the women that dress up for a date - are NOT dressing "to please the man". They're dressing in ways that they consider themselves to be the most sexy, most appealing, most glamorous because itmakes them feel sexy and desirable and feminine...and as a result of how they feel about themselves becuase of how they're dressed - they're charming, flirtatious, witty, and humorous. The date leaves them at the door - and what happens...they let out their stomach, stretch, fling off the heels, put on the flannels and then sit there in "awe and warm fuzzy feelings" about how great it was to be found so deliciously desirable - by both of you at the table this evening over dinner!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:13pm
Milton:

I don't think he has some secret motive or is "romancing himself". That sounds like way too much work for someone to actually plan out. I don't know exactly what his intentions are, but this is in fact someone who cared about you. Yes he made some terrible decisions but I don't think this means he's just doing this to feel better about himself. I don't know anyone who is that shallow, and I hope I never do. I don't think you are a fool, or silly for doing what you have been doing. It's sooo hard when the heart is on the line. I wish you the strength you need in this period of self discovery.

Keep us posted!

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