i dont know if i can do this.please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
i dont know if i can do this.please help
1
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:55am

please help me.. i dont know if i can do this anymore and i dont have any clue where to go from here..im 18 and this was my first relationship and so the first time ive ever done this.. this is incredibly long i know but bear with me i really need something and i dont know what to do ive never done this before, will i ever be ok?

i met this guy a year ago, when he was visiting from tanzania where he lived (his mom is a diplomat), he was a friend of a friend. he was only visiting for a week but we ended up hooking up before he left. then he came back for summer vacation and we became "friends with benifits" it was fine at first until i started having feelings for him, and since we got closer as friends things got more complicated.. he went back to africa and while he was away he was always on my mind. then he ended up getting kicked out of school and moving back to my area permanently, this was about 4 months ago. the first day he came back we hooked up again, but this time i told him i didnt want to do friends with benifits because i had feelings and we agreed to just stay friends. that lasted about 5 minutes and he started kissing me again and we slept together (it was my first time, i dont, however regret sleeping with him because i was ready and it was a choice i made for myself, not because i wanted to please him).

after this we started hanging out more and more, also sleeping together and it slowly became a relationship.. we were together for a few weeks when he stopped contacting me and i found out through my best friend that his ex was visiting for a week. i was devestated. after a week he talked to me again and apologised claiming that she was just a friend and nothing happened and the only reason he didnt tell me was that he knew it would hurt me. i knew this was a lie but i was so in love with him that i let it continue. things were fine for about a month and a half. although we talked about how he liked me but didnt love me, but he was happy to be with me, and he aknowledged our relationship as a monogomous one. then one night he got drunk and hooked up with another girl. i was hurt but we talked it through. and this time he admitted that the main reason he had always held back in our relationship was that he wasnt sexually attracted to me because he usually goes for very small skinny girls (im 5'9 and weigh 150pounds) and he didnt feel right in a relationship where he didnt want to have sex with the girl. however he told me he had no intentions of leaving me and didnt want to lose me. this lasted a week when he met another girl. once again i found out and confronted him and this time, instead of talking to me he didnt contact me for a while, instead spending time with this other girl. when he finally did talk to me he said he just wanted to be friends with me and that he wanted to continue to see this other girl because she, and i quote "had qualities" i didnt have, i.e she was small and skinny. he also admitted that even though he was with me for about 3 months he never really had strong feelings for me and just saw me as a friend. the sickest thing is he admitted that if i was small and skinny none of this would have been an issue and we would have a proper relationship. however he claimed he didnt want to lose me as a friend and he wanted to try and save the friendship. we agreeed to just be friends but i dont know how i can do that knowing that he dumped me for another girl he knew for 2 days, when he claims im his best friend.

ive seen him twice since we broke up and he simply cant understand why im so mad at him. he doesnt get it. and right now i feel like i was nothing to him, just someone to pass the time with untill someone better came along. he lead me on for 3 months and took away any self worth i had. ive always had issues regarding my weight and in the past year before i met him have lost 45 pounds, i still have about 10 to lose and still feel very insecure, but whatever self esteem i had built up losing that weight is now gone and i feel like i mind as well be 50 pounds heavier again. ive always felt that the reason i never had luck with guys is because of my weight and to have the first guy ive ever been in a relationship with confirm that is earth shattering.

it also hurts that he says he never really liked me as more than a friend when we were together for 3 months. every sweet thing he ever said to me was a lie.. and now hes replaced me with another girl. ive given him everything i had. were in the same social circle and he had managed to alienate everyone of the other people in the group and even though i was the one he hurt the most i always defended him and supported him and was there for him. i gave him all of me as a friend and as a girlfriend and it was nothing to him. it meant so little that he wasnt even willing to hypothetically stop seeing this other girl to save at least our friendship. and now i feel like ive lost my best friend and i cant get over it. its been almost 3 weeks and i still cry every day. he claims to care but isnt willing to show it and i dont know what to do. i feel like ive been split down the middle and a part of me is missing.

im so sorry this is long and i could probably go on because the thoughts in my head are overwhelming but ive never done this before and i need help. i dont know what to do, i just dont want to exist anymore. im so lucky, i have the best friends in the world and theyve all supported me so much but i just cant handle it sometimes and right now i feel like i cant breathe...i miss him so much and im so angry at him and i know i cant stay friends with him but he is my best friend and i miss him..help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 1:11pm

hi angelus173

he doesnt want to date you coz of your weight THATS CRAZY!!! WELL IF YOU THINK HE DOESNT LIKE YOU COZ OF YOUR WEIGHT THE ONLY ANSWER IS WHY DONT YOU TRYING GOING TO THE GYM...WELL THIS IS GOOD ALSO FOR YOU. RIGHT? ATLEAST SHOW HIM SOMETHING FOR DOING THIS. THINK ABOUT IT WITHIN 2/3 MONTHS WENT HE SEE YOU AGAIN HIS GOING TO BE AMAZED...THAN RIGHT NOW YOUR PUTTING YOUR SELF DOWN AND PUTTING MORE WEIGHT. THIS NOT GOING TO WORK FOR YOU...ISNT BETTER WHEN HE SEE YOU AGAIN THAT YOU LOST WEIGHT AND LOOK BETTER THAN BEFORE.

TRUST ME HE'LL BE BEGGING YOU OR NOT ONLY HIM MAYBE SOME OTHER GUYS TOO.

GOOD LUCK