I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
I don't know what to do.
6
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 3:25pm

I'm a female and I've been in a relationship with this girl for almost 2 years. It has been amazing, we went through so much crazy stuff together and made it through. We both lost our jobs and for the past few months we've been fighting alot. Well this past weekend she just completely cut me off. Absolutely nothing. She said she can't take it anymore. I don't understand how she can just toss me out of her life so quickly. I've contacted mutual friends who don't really know whats happening. I spoke to her mom, who said she's completely done with me. I spoke to her sister, who said she still loves me and to give her time. I read in a couple of relationship books, that the longer we go without talking the worse it will be. The first day, I did blow up her phone to try to get in touch. She didn't respond. 

I have no idea how she feels but I am absolutely broken. I can't eat, can't sleep. I tried to focus on me - college, joined the gym, dance classes...but I can't get my mind to concentrate. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 4:39pm

Dsharma, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Truth be told, she didn't cut you off so quickly.   You've apparently been fighting for the past few months, so she's had quite a bit of time to think about it.   I'm sure this period of time would have been very unpleasant for both of you. 

Your relationship has shown that it can't withstand the hiccups which life throws at us.   Sure, it was good when times were good - but that's easy for any relationship.   The real test of a relationship comes when times are tough.   And this relationship failed the test.   

It's time to move on.

 

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 6:03am
I agree with True Blue here - the break up was not completely unexpected if you've been fighting a lot for a while now. Obviously, you thought all the fighting would just pass, perhaps because you've been through a lot already and always came through in the end. But during that time, she was considering breaking it off and she finally reached her limit. You can only push a relationship so far. I know how difficult it is to move on when you feel like you've had no closure but you have to keep trying. Mark this as a life lesson. When the fighting is happening too often, it's time to stop fighting and start communicating - get into couples therapy if necessary. Don't just assume it will eventually work itself out.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 8:00am

dsharma123 wrote:
<p>I'm a female and I've been in a relationship with this girl for almost 2 years. It has been amazing, we went through so much crazy stuff together and made it through. We both lost our jobs and for the past few months we've been fighting alot. Well this past weekend she just completely cut me off. Absolutely nothing. She said she can't take it anymore. I don't understand how she can just toss me out of her life so quickly. I've contacted mutual friends who don't really know whats happening. I spoke to her mom, who said she's completely done with me. I spoke to her sister, who said she still loves me and to give her time. I read in a couple of relationship books, that the longer we go without talking the worse it will be. The first day, I did blow up her phone to try to get in touch. She didn't respond. </p><p>I have no idea how she feels but I am absolutely broken. I can't eat, can't sleep. I tried to focus on me - college, joined the gym, dance classes...but I can't get my mind to concentrate. </p>

What did these fights concern?  Seems to me that if you've been fighting a lot, that means there is an issue between you two that you were not taking as seriously as she was.  She was reaching her saturation point while you were chalking it up to it not being important enough to change your tack.

Your best bet right now is to leave her be and get on with your life. Leave her family alone--they can't make a grown woman do what she has no intention on doing and the last thing you need is to be nurturing false hope of reconciliation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 4:48pm

Good point about leaving her family alone.    Yes, she is a grown woman who can make her own decisions

But not only that, I can promise you that if an ex started involving my family discussing ways to change my mind, it would cement my decision to leave.  I could never be wtih someone who'd do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Thu, 10-25-2012 - 9:00pm
I spoke to her mom and sister because they contacted me first. The major issues in our relationship were the fact that neither of us have a job so we were spending 24/7 together. I moved out to put a stop to some of the fighting but I guess it didn't help. She still has alot of my stuff, she didn't ask me to come get it. I still pay for internet at her house, which I left because I know she needs it for job hunting. She hasn't deleted me off Facebook and she doesn't delete my posts. Its been about 3 days since I contacted her and I plan on waiting for about another week. Is this a good idea?
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 10-25-2012 - 10:35pm

dsharma123 wrote:
I spoke to her mom and sister because they contacted me first. The major issues in our relationship were the fact that neither of us have a job so we were spending 24/7 together. I moved out to put a stop to some of the fighting but I guess it didn't help. She still has alot of my stuff, she didn't ask me to come get it. I still pay for internet at her house, which I left because I know she needs it for job hunting. She hasn't deleted me off Facebook and she doesn't delete my posts. Its been about 3 days since I contacted her and I plan on waiting for about another week. Is this a good idea?

I suggest to contact her by this weekend to tell her that you will be coming by (and when) to pick up your things and to let her know that you will be shutting off the internet since you no longer live there. She's grown--she can figure out how to get it turned on in her name and she can pay for it or go to the library and use their computers. 

I think that shutting you out without a word when you are still picking up the tab on one of her bills and you still have belongings at her place is childish and is controlling behavior.  It's just as easy to say exactly what it is that's on her mind as it is to manipulate you with the silent treatment.  If she wants to go it alone, then she does it totally on her dime... or her family's.  If she's "completely done with you", then she can pay for her internet usage.