I Don't Know What to Do
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| Sat, 04-21-2007 - 6:16pm |
I'm new here and have been reading through some of the great messages. I am really in need of advice and guidance right now, but first I'll try to sum up everything that has been going on.
My boyfriend broke up with me two nights ago. We had been dating for almost two years, which isn't my longest relationship to date, but definitely was my strongest. No, things weren't always perfect - we would argue from time to time about things that were insignificant, and make up 10 minutes later because we just couldn't stay mad. We loved each other so much. Our own biggest insecurities happened to be what we loved most about the other (i.e. a big nose or whatever). Almost all of our friends were either friends or had become friends. We hung out A LOT, naturally alone at times, but with our friends as well because it was just so much fun. His family lives close by and I had gotten to know and love them as well. But like I said, even without the great friends and family, we just got each other. He could make fun of something I did and it made me laugh/happy just because I know he notices the small, dorky sides to me, and vice versa.
Well, a couple of weeks ago we went on a road trip, just the two of us, to visit some of his family that happens to live in another state. Everything went fine, normal fun, happy moments, bonding with his family, getting to know them even better, etc. When we got back things were fine still, but gradually he started distancing himself and seemed really irritated whenever he was around me. I asked him about it and he got really defensive and said he just had other things going on. The next weekend, he and his roommates had a party and I was invited (naturally), along with most of our friends (who I mentioned are mutual). He was playing host for a lot of it, which is totally normal and fine, but still wasn't treating totally great, so when my best friend (who was there) asked if I wanted to leave a couple of hours into the night to go to a different party, I didn't hesitate. I told him I was going to go do my own thing for the rest of the night and that was that. Well, later that night he and I met back up, and basically just crashed/talked for a little in bed, and he got really mad and snarky and said something like "you just decided to up and leave my party earlier." I really understand being supportive and being there for his party or whatever, but he has gotten so annoyed when I had been calling days prior to the party just to hang out and see him, so I felt like I was giving him distance that he wanted to begin with. The next couple of days I was really really sick and on antibiotics and what-have-you, and he and I talked on the phone during that time but didn't see each other. While I was still quite sick, we decided to make plans for the next evening for him to come over and watch dvds and just have some "us" time that we hadn't had for while. So the next day he came over, I was still on medicine and not feeling great, and we starting watching a dvd. About an hour later I was falling asleep and he seemed kind of upset and asked if I was unhappy or something. I said, "no, I just don't feel good right now. I'm still sick." He said things seemed weird and decided to leave. This upset me a little (but I didn't tell him) simply because he had been really distant/mean to me lately for no apparent reason, and the one night he decides he finally wanted to hang out I wasn't feeling 100% and I'm the one who gets crap for it. Anyway, this is all not even the point, just pre-break-up ranting to hopefully lead into what happened next...
So the next day we made plans to talk about what is going on with us and how we are feeling, and he says that he's really sorry about how he was treating me for the past couple of weeks, but he just doesn't know what is going on with him. He needs to improve himself because he knows he's not being a good boyfriend, and I'm not asking for a lot from him but just normal relationship needs. I asked if he thought he didn't want to be with me/break up and he said no. Then the next day I called him like I said I would (he was at work, so he called me back on his break) and he said that he just couldn't do this anymore. He said he wasn't being a good boyfriend, and couldn't be a good boyfriend right now. He said that he needs space and time to himself because he doesn't know what's going on in his life right now (he dropped out of school a while back, and is working weird hours/not many hours...basically just needs to know what he wants to do in life). I was obviously not only hurt from being dumped, but hurt that it happened over the phone! So I told him that was fine, but it would be better if we could talk about it in person. So after he got off work he came by my place, we both cried, he told me he still loved me/cared about me and that he liked me and no other girl. There is no one else, and I guess not the potential for someone else because he doesn't want to date anyone right now period. Basically he just needs time to himself. So then he said he'd call me tomorrow to see how I'm doing (I was a crying mess). That night after he left I went out with my girlfriends because I couldn't bare the thought of being alone and crying. That night he texted me to say "goodnight" (I have a feeling the contact is out of guilt).
So the next day he called like he said he would. He said he was sad about it all and really sorry. I asked him if he was calling me because he genuinely wanted to talk to me or if it's because he just wants to make sure I'm ok. He said both. So I told him that I didn't want to keep all this contact with false hope. I said "I don't want to be talking to you even though we're broken up with the idea that there is a possibility of getting back together. I want you to tell me now if this is it, if it's over for good right now." He said that he didn't want to claim that for sure because he didn't know. He said that in the future if it's meant to be it will happen (ugh! is that a line or what?!) He ended it with that he would call me tomorrow (once again), which is today (but I haven't heard from him yet). I think I should start the no contact in order to heal most effectively and timely, but it is impossible considering so many of our closest friends are all friends. Today I went to lunch with a guy-friend, who happened to hang out with my ex last night. I already know that I'll see him once or twice this week at an event where our good friends' band is playing. I don't want to have to stay away from my friends and fun just because they're his friends too. On top of it all, because he left it so open for possible reconciliation down the road, I don't want to lose total contact with him in hopes that he doesn't forget about me (as stupid as it sounds).
So my main problem is that I don't know if I should lose contact with him (and ignore him at events with friends??) or stay civil, yet hurt. I don't know what to do. Also, do you think that the getting back together is a total long shot? Is this like a text book break-up (him wanted time to himself, not wanting a gf period, etc) and I'm just too naive to see it? Should I have hope? When I talk to him, what should I talk about? Any insight would be wonderful! Thank you for reading, it was really long I know!

Hi,
Although my pre-breakup is quite different from yours the end is the same. All same friends & close to the family. My advice to you is don't talk about the possiblility of reconciliation with him at all. If that comes up let it be from him. I made the mistake of pressuring for reconcilation because we were still hanging out all the time & even at times acting like we were still a couple when we weren't. It was just easy to fall into that role because we were best friends & hanging out with all our friends like always. My ex also says that he does not want to date anyone right now. There is no one else, I am the only girl he concerns himself with, still loves me & I'm the only girl he wants to marry. And with all our mutual friends I know this to be the truth. YET he STILL does not want to date or get back together. But won't tell me that this is the end for us & just says maybe sometime in the future when he gets his life together & he can be the kind of boyfriend he thinks I deserve that maybe we can try again. This has been going on for 6 months. Just know that this is going to be tough time & not likely to get any easier anytime soon. You have to decide what you can handle, how strong you are & how strong your feelings are for him. You are going to find yourself wondering if you should move on or wait. I don't have the answers for you. Logic says move on & find someone who will treat you like you deserve right now, but your heart is going to tell you to stick around. The only problem is we do not know how long our guys will need until they've fixed their lives in the ways they say they need to. What I'm doing is keeping my connection with the ex enough to keep the door open for reconciliation but not so close that I feel hurt and disappointed when he doesn't "act" like I want him to. It's also going to take some time for you to figure out the amount of contact you can handle. I let him call me because I found that I wanted to "talk" to him everyday like always, but got hurt when he was too busy for me or ignored me completely. In the end he still ends up calling me everyday or every other day at the least. Now I can decide if I want to talk to him when he calls. I have backed off a little on the hanging out with all our friends simply because we fought when I was pressuring him & that ended up making everyone uncomfortable. As far as moving on without him & dating someone new. I've done the rebound thing & that didn't work out. Now I'm dealing with a second breakup. Actually I dated a guy with the similar problems, we jumped in & got too serious too fast & he decided he didn't want a serious GF right now either. So, don't jump into anything too soon or if you do I can't stress enough to take it slow. That goes with someone new or with the ex.
Moral of the story: Our situation sucks because our exs don't really want to let us go. But just know that we are never given more than we can handle in life. Maybe down the road we both will reconcile with our exs but maybe we won't & we will be okay either way. Good luck.
jeez, all i can think is what is up with all these guys just deciding, suddenly or not so suddenly, that they need to figure out where their life is going, and just dropping us like a bad habit? because sadly, i'm going through the same thing myself, so i can really sympathize. i think there must be something to that quarter life crisis thing.
while i didn't go out with my ex long enough to have a lot of mutual friends, we do work at the same place, so i can relate a bit. when i do have to see him, i acknowledge him and just say the bare minimum civilly. i'm not going to kid you, it'll be really rough. but you can make it through this. like pretty much everyone else on this board, i'm going to advocate no contact where possible. even if you or he want to remain friendly (which my ex said he wanted too) i really don't think staying in contact helps you heal, at all. everytime i've reached out to him, i've just felt more weak and depressed than i was before. you can worry about being friends down the road, if that's what's to happen. doing NC sucks, but it does get better, and at the least you will have time and distance for yourself.
whether or not you two are going to get back together... probably only he knows that at this point, and as we're well aware, these guys are definitely not able to figure that out at all right now. we're lucky they know their names, lol. what i know from my personal experience is that hope can be a dangerous thing. my ex left things open to reconcilliation possibly, and i held onto that a long time, and when we did have contact, tried to analyze any meanings behind his words. i realize now... the best thing we can do is try to move on with our lives, improve ourselves. if he comes back someday, maybe things will work out, and everyone will be in a better place. if he wants to be with you, he'll let you know, he won't forget about you. and if not, you'll be well on your way to a great life, even without him, and finding the next great guy.
just know through this you'll find you're stronger than you thought you could be, and just take everything day by day.
Thank you both so much for the replies! I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same situation, but its helps knowing that perhaps this is somewhat normal and I'm not crazy here...
Kritty77 - 6 months? You are definitely strong. I haven't even been through this for 6 days yet, and it's just unbearable. Having mutual friends and having to see the ex a lot is definitely bitter sweet. Well, I can't say for sure, as I haven't had to see him yet, but I just know that parts of me want to see him, even though I know he doesn't want me right now. Is that how it feels for you? I will see him for the first time this week at the event I mentioned in my original post, and I just don't know what to expect. (Part of me wants to get very drunk beforehand, but part of me says that may not be a good idea. Maybe just a drink to relax myself a little). So you and your ex have physical relations? I'm not sure if I'm wrong there. I want to give my guy a hug when I see him on Thursday, but I don't know. It will be crowded, so if enough of my friends are around I may be able to avoid him altogether. But at the same time, I don't know what is best. I just don't know. I got my daily call from him just after I posted on this site yesterday. Once again he asked "can I call you tomorrow?" at the end of our conversation. I feel strangely better after talking to him on the phone. Like there is hope. I have brought up the reconciliation with him a couple of times, and I think you're right that I best wait for him to bring it up. As of right now I have made a rule to myself that I won't call him or text him (I almost did the latter last night, but luckily stopped myself). If he calls and I'm available, I'll answer and talk. If I miss his call, I will not call him back. Yesterday when we talked he said he'd give me a call tomorrow and I said I would be at work all day (just for a reference) and he said well you can call me back. I told him I won't be calling him back, and he said then that he would just call until I was available. Ugh. I mean, I love the effort, but seriously, it HAS to be out of guilt. He hasn't been this prompt with me in so long. Anyway, I'm sticking to this rule for now. If it comes to no contact in the future, then that is fine too. Well, not fine, but it will have to be, haha. You mentioned that your pre-breakup was much different from mine. May I ask how? I just like to have reference as to what situations cause guys to do what ours are doing to us. Once, again, thank you for your reply!
Edited 4/22/2007 6:12 pm ET by painpaingoaway
well, thankfully i don't actually work side by side with him... he's in a different department, and only works part time two days, whereas i'm there full time. at first, it was so difficult to try to stay away from finding excuses from going around him at work, but lately, i'm realizing i need to, if only for my own mental well being, lol. so now if i see him, i'll just say hi, or just repond to what he says, and try to remove myself from the situation quickly.
i do still feel like i'm dangling. and that's after going on a month "break" feburary 13 (the worst relationship invention ever when you're on the receiving end, it's really just a half break up) where i eventually did 3 weeks NC, to then having the official break up at the end of march, because i just couldn't live with his indecisiveness anymore.
it was interesting... after some very sporadic contact when we first went on break, all initiated by me, i eventually followed the advice on this board and started NC... it was only after he hadn't heard anything at all from me for more than a week that my ex dropped me a line to see how i was doing. so that may happen for you. and in my case, obviously we're still not together, but i really took it as a good sign at the time. mostly i just wish someone had told me to not get my hopes up, that, like you said, if he wanted to be with me... he would. period.
anyway, on the one hand, i do feel like it's good to distance myself... on the flip side, i still worry about him a lot. he's going through some turmoil, and i'm just hurt that he couldn't go through it with me by his side. but i'm not anybody's savior but my own. and, today's day 16 of NC. second time around, lol. and it does get easier.
i hope everything works out for you the way it's supposed to. :)
Drinking around the ex...for me has not been a good combo. I'm not much of a drinker anyway so getting drunk & being around him=bad outcome. I tend to want to have the heart to heart about where we are going. Which in the end gets me nowhere and the answers that I don't want to hear.
My situation is a product of my own stupidity. I'd been with him for 4.5 years. We were living together for 3.5 years. He was my first serious BF, hell, I was a late bloomer so to speak so I really had no prior dating experience before him. He is 2 years younger than I am & never has been ready for marriage and I knew this going in. We've never really had any problems our whole relationship until last July. He was laid off from his job and became depressed. He began drinking alot and just wasn't motivated to find a new job. Finances became tight & I became increasingly stressed. We still never argued but we slowly started drifting apart. Him hanging out with his friends drinking, while I stayed home most of the time because I had to work. Obviously, our sex life suffered & he wasn't the same affectionate loving BF that I knew & loved. I began a friendship with a co-worker who eventually became rebound guy. It started out innocent enough but the Ex always thought something was going on. Until eventually something did. One drunken kiss that I fessed up to immediately but the ex couldn't trust that nothing else would happen & that we worked together so he left. At the time I was so angry at him for leaving, for not trying to work things out & for being unresponsible for other things in his life that I let him go. And I started casually dating the co-worker.
Looking back I realize that even though I screwed up & he left, that if that hadn't happened we still would be where we are today. Because he was/is so depressed and his self-esteem took a significant hit with the job & everything else. He all ready had semi low self-esteem anyway. I would have became exhausted with the way things were & had to take a break. He just recently finally found a job, but is still crashing at a friends house with debt out of this world. He honestly does have alot of things that he needs to work on. But flaws and all I love him & I want to see him succeed & become the man he wants to be and I know he can be. He doesn't want my help, he wants to do it on his own & become someone that can provide & take care of me. He is not happy with himself & doesn't want to bring me down with him. Yet he still needs me & isn't prepared to really let me go. And I don't want to let him go either, but I know that I may eventually have to. He may never get himself together enough to where he feels like he can take care of me & be the kind of guy I deserve. But I know that he will always be in my life in some capacity.
As far as the physical contact goes. Do whatever you think you can handle. At first he & I couldn't even hug because he was so mad at me for what I did. But he eventually forgave me & we can be physical now. But sometimes it does make me want more than what he is willing to give. So, you'll have to be careful. Honestly, I'd have limited physical contact especially right now. Not only will it confuse you, but all your friends also & then you'll have everyone asking questions. Which will make you want answers that he can't give you right now.
Hi painpaingoaway, i was reading your messages and couldn't help but respond. I'm presently going through a ... umm, transition period from relationship to breakup. Let's just say things are not looking good between my boyfriend and I. I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. This is actually my first serious boyfriend. I was single for pretty much my whole life and I embraced the single life. The guy I feel I'm breaking up with has treated me so well and with so much respect I feel like a fool for leaving him.
Basically I'm in your situation but flipped. I'm the one asking for space. He's so ready to get down on one knee and propose but I'm no way ready for that. I'm very career driven and love my independence. He, on the other hand, knows what he wants and he wants me. I'm so inconsistent with what I want and I know that it's just not fair to him to stay with me. I guess the relationship might be a distraction from me focusing on my life and career goals. And he is focusing on me, but at the same time he is working on his career too. He wants me to be a part of it and he tells me I motivate him. It sucks that I can't hold a relationship AND focus on me at the same time. Some people can do it and some people can't. I dont know what it is but maybe he doesn't provide whatever it is that i need in order to attain my goals.
Simply, it's only fair for you to stop focusing on your ex and start feeling like you have the upper hand in the relationship. He can't expect you to sit there and wait for him to get his stuff together and hop back into your life. It's just not fair, and I would feel guilty to do that to someone that I truely care and love so much. It's just selfish. I understand if my boyfriend or ex-bf (we;ll know by the end of the week) wants to disconnect from me completely. It just leads to false hope and once again: its not fair. My advice to you is to begin believing you have the power to decide on the next step in your relationship. If he can't be with you at this time, you need to shift your focus away from him, because that's what he did to you, and that's what I feel i'm doing to my boyfriend. I still love him and care about him, and if I decide I want to be with him again I will do anything in my power to be with him. I hope this helps a little coming from the other side. Dont be mad at your ex. Just accept his choice and be flattered that there is one person out there who truely loves who you are and cares about you. Keep that close to you. It's reassuring and gives you more confidence that you will pull through this.
Hi everyone. I've had a very similar situation to all of you. My ex boyfriend was my first serious relationship and he was crazy about me, even told his parents I was "the one" and all that jazz. Then 7 weeks ago he decided he "didn't want a girlfriend right now" and needed to figure his life out blah blah blah. I think you guys know exactly what i'm talking about! After we spoke a few times, even with him telling me he loved and missed me, he asked me to call him one day, I did, and he never answered or called me back and I decided I needed to do no contact. Just before I hit the 30 days of no contact I decided that you know what, i'm going to get over this. I spent a lot of the last 7 weeks wondering if I should just wait for him or try to get him back and I finally made the decision to move on. Am I 100% better, no. But once I made that decision I have been doing so so so much better than I was! I feel ready to focus on myself and make my life better. I may have lost a boyfriend but I got myself back, I know now that all my energy is reserved for me, and I don't have to worry about anybody else. Not only that, but i've been asked on a date by a guy who's honestly a step above my ex! (I loved my ex and all, but he was very financially irresponsible and had no direction or ambition in life. In comparison, the guy who asked me out is about to graduate college, like me, and has a "real" job.) I'll have to turn him down because I don't feel ready to date, but it's nice to know that not only can I still attract men, but that I can attract better ones than my ex! I just wanted to let you guys know that it is possible to get better and move on no matter how hard the end of your relationship was. I missed classes, fell behind in school, and cried every single day for a solid month but I know now that i'm going to be okay. Not just okay, but a better person because of what I learned from the relationship and found inner strength in getting through the breakup.
If you decide to wait for your exes to figure their lives out it might work out, but it's going to be incredibly hard on you and if it doesn't work out I imagine you are going to feel that you wasted a lot of time and energy on someone who doesn't reciprocate it. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you ladies the very best and you have my sympathy for what you're going through. Things will get better.